DH is spoiling his adult daughter

[Asofcati]

Context first, DH and I have been together for 6 years, the first 4 years was sort of long distance as he was living in Paris at the time. He has one child. A daughter, who’s 18. I have 2 sons who are 18 and 16.
His daughters mother was French but she passed away when she was just 10 and DH and I had been friends before that.
Anyway 2 years ago he and his daughter moved to London, I sold my home and we bought a house together. Luckily we were in a position to be mortgage free. We both work, he earns a decent amount more than I do but I appreciate we are both well off and comfortable. We generally keep finances separate, and transfer proportional amounts to a joint bank account which covers communal bills and groceries.
This year both the older kids started uni, his daughter is doing a degree apprenticeship in Wealth Planning at a private bank and is making 24k already which just seems bonkers to me but whatever, my son is studying history. They are both still living at home, we don’t charge them rent etc.
We agreed that we’d cover the same things for both of them then my son would have his student loan (basic amount) and his DD would have her wage for fun spending. This already seemed unfair to me as she makes a lot of money while my son makes nothing but I was trying to keep the peace.
We cover for them (from the joint account)

• Phone bill - they both got the new iPhone recently so this is expensive
• gym membership
• groceries they eat at home
• travel to uni/work

Anything outside that is up to them.

Today I found out that DH has added his daughter as an authorised user on his credit card which he pays off from his personal money. Her birthday was in August and he bought her a brand new MacBook, a whole designer wardrobe for work (think Ralph Lauren etc.), a designer work hand bag and jewellery from the likes of Van Cleef and Tiffany.
I thought it was ridiculous but it was his money and his choice but now he’s basically funding her entirely while she makes over 1.5k a month, has no rent to pay etc.

I think he’s turning her into a little spoilt princess, she’s 18 and has more disposable income than most, add in dads credit card and she’s living it up good style.

I make less than him and have 2 children so can’t do the same for them which I’m worried will cause jealousy (she already has the 2nd biggest room in the house plus the only room other than the master with an en-suite which caused drama at first!).

AIBU to think this is bloody ridiculous? How would you handle it?

He would from me, whether there was a lost parent involved or not. Her mother could be alive and he still wouldn’t be doing anything wrong.

Yabu. He is paying for things for his daughter out of his own personal money. I’m hoping you haven’t said anything to him about this. I’d be furious in his position if you did.

OP, are you perhaps jealous that he’s not indulging you in the same way as his daughter? Is that it?

“If you had two children…” is irrelevant, he doesn’t have two children. He has one. The DS has his own parents.

Fairness is not always precise equality is the exact irony, OP treats her son well, the DH treats his daughter well. They both have both their needs and wants provided for, the exact sum is not the same though, isn’t that the exact fairness you’re talking about? Or is it only fairness to increase the subsidy for the OP’s son?

@IKEAJesus and @InterIgnis ,

Aside from the fact I don’t believe buying an 18 year old an entire designer wardrobe is good parenting, even if you are a billionaire, you seem to be missing the fact that the adult children share a house.

That means they aren’t completely separate.

If a couple move in together, and one is a multimillionaire and lives that lifestyle, and the other worries about money (assuming no shared finances), it makes the poorer one feel bad. Maybe if shouldn’t, but it does. Relative wealth is a real effect. Would you be happy cohabiting with someone who led a completely different lifestyle to yours (in either direction)?

The son didn’t choose for his mother to cohabit with her wealthy partner, so I think they, as a unit, need to consider what is reasonable for all the children, nor consider them totally separately.

He sounds like a good guy.

To be blunt, It isn’t his daughters fault that you can’t provide the same for your dc.

Just as well you don’t need to consider it good parenting then, isn’t it? If you don’t want to do it then no one said you had to. This father does though, and he’s a good enough parent that his daughter has drive, ambition and work ethic.

The poorer one knew the situation when she married into it, bringing her children into it. If she didn’t like it she could have ended the relationship, same as she’s free to end it now if she doesn’t like it.

He isn’t responsible for her sons, and doesn’t need to consider what’s ’reasonable’ for all of them. They are separate, by virtue of only one being his child.

OP maybe instead of slagging off your stepdaughter online you should say all this to the person who can do something about it- your DH. Hes the one buying her Louboutins and handbags. I be you won't though, because you know the result would be you and your sons out on your ear. I bet your DS would have to get a job then.

Aside from the fact I don’t believe buying an 18 year old an entire designer wardrobe is good parenting, even if you are a billionaire

What’s the issue? They’re just clothes. If nobody is getting into debt, what’s the problem?

If you have separate finances, I don't think it is any of your business how he chooses to spend his money.

“I can’t afford to do it, so i’m going to dress it up like those that can and do have a moral deficiency”

in short.

Good for her, she sounds like an impressive individual! Those jobs are not easy to get.

So what your saying is the ops failed her son really.

She’s decided to move in with a man who is not his father and thus owes him nothing and is now upset via the disparity in monetary items.

Though he does benefits from the larger presuming over home too.

so it’s another poor blended family. Because adults put their desires first. Well the man actually seems to of kept his daughters life pretty nice just the op failed to realise her son might be a wee but put out being the poor relative.

Op and her son must of thought their golden goose has arrived with his golden eggs only to find not much has changed for them.

You, my dear, are jealous.

Oh, you are simply eaten up with jealousy and spite, aren't you?

Poor, poor daughter. For her sake, I hope he soon realises what you are and divorces you.

I'd tell him since she's earning 24k a year you won't be covering her phone bill anymore.

Food is fair enough, but phone bill? Ffs.

You sound incredibly jealous of her.

But you say you think she will turn out spoilt.

So you wouldn’t do the same for your son. So the fact that you can’t is irrelevant, surely?

Or is it that you simply don’t want her having the gifts?

The gifts to HIS daughter is coming out of HIS personal money. You want him to pay for gifts for YOUR some out of HIS money?

Because you say you can’t afford to buy your son gifts. So the only person who could provide those gifts are your husband.

Honestly, I find this bizarre.

He would argue I don’t cover it, it comes out the joint account but he puts about 70% in. He’d argue he covers her entire phone bill
and contributes to my sons phones.
I mentioned this weeks ago when we first got the phones and he suggested we just pay for the phones from our individual accounts then it won’t upset me.

Then he can pull all his money from the joint account 🤷🏻‍♀️

He can stop contributing to her sons entirely.

But Op wants her own son’s phone bill covered. So, they don’t cover hers. They won’t cover the sons either.

The son could work. But chooses not to with the Ops support. So following your thinking they shouldn’t be paying for his either?

Exactly. He already is financing your son.

Why not move to you financing your son and him financing his daughter? And it not being a joint expense?

So you now live in a bigger nicer house, he covers 70% of household bills and stuff from the joint account.

and your still complaining. Because he likes to treat his daughter.

some people really would bite the hand that feeds them

He’s putting 70% in to the joint account and you have two children benefitting from that whilst he has one. Do you even understand how dumb you sound??