DH is spoiling his adult daughter

[Asofcati]

Context first, DH and I have been together for 6 years, the first 4 years was sort of long distance as he was living in Paris at the time. He has one child. A daughter, who’s 18. I have 2 sons who are 18 and 16.
His daughters mother was French but she passed away when she was just 10 and DH and I had been friends before that.
Anyway 2 years ago he and his daughter moved to London, I sold my home and we bought a house together. Luckily we were in a position to be mortgage free. We both work, he earns a decent amount more than I do but I appreciate we are both well off and comfortable. We generally keep finances separate, and transfer proportional amounts to a joint bank account which covers communal bills and groceries.
This year both the older kids started uni, his daughter is doing a degree apprenticeship in Wealth Planning at a private bank and is making 24k already which just seems bonkers to me but whatever, my son is studying history. They are both still living at home, we don’t charge them rent etc.
We agreed that we’d cover the same things for both of them then my son would have his student loan (basic amount) and his DD would have her wage for fun spending. This already seemed unfair to me as she makes a lot of money while my son makes nothing but I was trying to keep the peace.
We cover for them (from the joint account)

• Phone bill - they both got the new iPhone recently so this is expensive
• gym membership
• groceries they eat at home
• travel to uni/work

Anything outside that is up to them.

Today I found out that DH has added his daughter as an authorised user on his credit card which he pays off from his personal money. Her birthday was in August and he bought her a brand new MacBook, a whole designer wardrobe for work (think Ralph Lauren etc.), a designer work hand bag and jewellery from the likes of Van Cleef and Tiffany.
I thought it was ridiculous but it was his money and his choice but now he’s basically funding her entirely while she makes over 1.5k a month, has no rent to pay etc.

I think he’s turning her into a little spoilt princess, she’s 18 and has more disposable income than most, add in dads credit card and she’s living it up good style.

I make less than him and have 2 children so can’t do the same for them which I’m worried will cause jealousy (she already has the 2nd biggest room in the house plus the only room other than the master with an en-suite which caused drama at first!).

AIBU to think this is bloody ridiculous? How would you handle it?

You’re actually sounding worse and worse. What business is it of yours what shoes she wears, as long as you’re not expected to fund them?
Look, your stepdaughter has decided to go into private banking; your son has decided to do a history degree. He should get used to her having more money sooner rather than later!

That poor girl - loses her mother and ends up with a grabby stepmother who resents her.

You sound very jealous op.

Sorry that your step daughter didn’t become Cinderella.

She cuts her cloth on her wages and her dad’s support. She actually seems to have her head screwed on pretty well. Likely thanks to a supportive dad.

Your son decided not to work alongside. So he cuts his cloth on your support. Maybe you should have bagged a richer man for his dad.

That is not the equation I gave, and also would you conclude not money= not love from my words?

Care, affection and love is the thought and action.

I’m just boggling at the idea of parents paying for a gym membership and phone bill for adult children. My parents slipped me cash for treats when they came to visit me at uni but my living costs had to come out of my grant and anything I earned working in the holidays.

(Except for food when I was back at home in the holidays. And my dad did used to comment that we were very good at leaving the car almost in empty when we’d been using it 😂)

Yes, a monster that’s already establishing herself in a lucrative industry whilst also doing a degree in wealth management. I’m sure the concept of saving and managing money is totally alien to her.

The gifts are proportionate to his income.

OP disagrees because she can’t afford the same for her son. It’s jealousy.

I don't think this is a binary question. I think the buying of work clothes and him buying her more isn't unreasonable but I don't think it's good for any 18 year old should have unfettered access to cash so I don't think the credit card access is necessarily the best of ideas.

At 18 all children need to learnt to budget so I think all 3 children should be given a set amount of money each month and they are responsible for ensuring that there is money for essentials and extras and so on. BUT what that budget it should be based on a discussion between each child and their parent. I think it's generally healthier to be given a set amount and learning to manage it rather than having things bought every they ask regardless of the price of the items

Just stop, you're sounding greedier, more jealous and more petulant by the post.

So what if she has £500k for a house and her dad gifts her expensive jewellery, bags and shoes? I'm sure she'd give it all back for just one more day with her mother.

And why should the gifts be even? He earns much more than you, and has half the children you do, of course the gifts aren't going to be even.

Is your BF paying half of your children's expenses in the house and for college? If so, he's being incredibly generous and isn't even obliged to do that.

Where is their own father? Why are you not expecting him to contribute and 'even' things out.

The fact that you knew this man before his wife passed, makes me think that you saw him and his bank balance coming and now that things aren't working out the way you'd like, you're getting snotty and jealous. Green is not a good look on anyone OP. Be grateful for how generous your partner already is to you and your children.

Oh op. I feel so embarassed for you. I don’t know how he doesn’t have the ick. I really don’t. Yoh come across as so envious and grabby. If you’re letting him see your true self, this relationship is going to end.

The jealousy is absolutely dripping out of you. Sad really.

She is earning her own money

The OP's son is not...

this update is worse than the previous ones. You sound so bitter, it is not a healthy way to live your life.

That’s not how this marriage works, and that’s something OP knew going in. It is indeed his money, and she was and is free to leave if she doesn’t like it. She can want to make things ‘fairer’ as much as she likes, but unless she’s going to increase her own income then that isn’t going to happen.

I imagine she’s tried to broach this topic with her husband, and been told that she can either accept it or leave. Hence why she’s taken to bitching on mumsnet.

OP, I agree with you, he is spoiling her.

If she is earning £24k she should be paying some basic expenses too, such as her phone.

It’s a difficult position, as her father is (understandably) trying to compensate her for losing her mother, but no amount of money will ever do that, and she risks putting far too much value on material things, especially considering her future career.

I also think that your son must acutely feel the difference, given that they share a house.

The question is, though, what can you do about it. The last thing you want to get into is a losing arms race over spoiling your children, so all you can do is inculcate good value into them so that they don’t care if she is materially wealthier.

OP is also spoiling her son, just at a different level.

There’s nothing wrong with valuing material things. Hes buying her gifts proportionate to what he can afford, and what he can afford is more than most. It pains be foolish and profligate if he was spending beyond his means, but he isn’t. He’s also clearly instilled in her ambition, work ethic, financial literacy, and drive. He may be buying her gifts, but she’s also aware that she needs to support herself in future if she wants to continue living this lifestyle - her chosen career path demonstrates that. That isn’t someone that is ‘spoilt’.

I don’t think what he spends on his daughter from his personal money is any of your business.

It just gets worse…

What is your job @Asofcati? I’m guessing the success of an 18 year old is a bit close to a nerve?

You’re coming off worse and worse.
Why would it need to even out the gift situation? She’s a separate child with separate parents. Your children are not your husband’s children.
Your 18 year old doesn’t need his phone bill paid or his gym paid, presumable you do it because you can and you are happy to help.
The actual cost of things are irrelevant, it comes down to ability and earnings.
No one would begrudge a parent paying for a work wardrobe for their 18 year old who only had a uniform and casual clothes prior to her apprenticeship. It’s a completely normal thing for a parent to do.
You’re letting your jealously get in the way by obsessing over the brands, but why would he make his DD get a work wardrobe from primark when he can afford much more?
His income clearly more than allows for it.

@Newbutoldfather but OP’s son’s phone bill is also paid from the joint account, which presumably the OP pays less into anyway.
Why pay for the phone bill of one 18 year old because they choose not to work and then refuse to pay it for the one the one who does work?
If the son wants more money he can get a job like the DH’s DD has.

I wonder if this were an 18 year old son who had lost his father, and his mother was showering him in expensive gifts and giving him full access to her credit card just because she could afford it, would get the same sympathy....

I find some of the replies here strange. She is lucky enough to have found a degree apprenticeship which pays good money. Nothing wrong with that and good for her.

But, in most households parents subsidise children until they have their own earnings, and then everyone contributes something to the household if they still live there.

If you had two children and one did a full time job at 18 and the other went to uni, would you feel obliged to tell the uni child to also work a substantial job, or weirdly give a totally unnecessary allowance as well as free board and lodging to a decently earning adult?

Fairness is not always precise equality.

Her father (and mother?) have worked hard to earn the £££. I bet they were motivated to do so to support THEIR children, not teenage boys they aren't related to.

If you had two children and one did a full time job at 18 and the other went to uni, would you feel obliged to tell the uni child to also work a substantial job, or weirdly give a totally unnecessary allowance as well as free board and lodging to a decently earning adult?

No, but I would happily treat both children if I wanted to and could afford to. The husband in this situation only has one child - I’m not seeing the unfairness here. If the son at university was his, presumably he also would have access to similar things to the daughter.

That’s up to the parents in question. Some parents will do that, others won’t.

Her parent doesn’t have two children he needs to be fair to, he has one. He can afford to, and wants to, give her an ‘unnecessary allowance’.