DH is spoiling his adult daughter

[Asofcati]

Context first, DH and I have been together for 6 years, the first 4 years was sort of long distance as he was living in Paris at the time. He has one child. A daughter, who’s 18. I have 2 sons who are 18 and 16.
His daughters mother was French but she passed away when she was just 10 and DH and I had been friends before that.
Anyway 2 years ago he and his daughter moved to London, I sold my home and we bought a house together. Luckily we were in a position to be mortgage free. We both work, he earns a decent amount more than I do but I appreciate we are both well off and comfortable. We generally keep finances separate, and transfer proportional amounts to a joint bank account which covers communal bills and groceries.
This year both the older kids started uni, his daughter is doing a degree apprenticeship in Wealth Planning at a private bank and is making 24k already which just seems bonkers to me but whatever, my son is studying history. They are both still living at home, we don’t charge them rent etc.
We agreed that we’d cover the same things for both of them then my son would have his student loan (basic amount) and his DD would have her wage for fun spending. This already seemed unfair to me as she makes a lot of money while my son makes nothing but I was trying to keep the peace.
We cover for them (from the joint account)

• Phone bill - they both got the new iPhone recently so this is expensive
• gym membership
• groceries they eat at home
• travel to uni/work

Anything outside that is up to them.

Today I found out that DH has added his daughter as an authorised user on his credit card which he pays off from his personal money. Her birthday was in August and he bought her a brand new MacBook, a whole designer wardrobe for work (think Ralph Lauren etc.), a designer work hand bag and jewellery from the likes of Van Cleef and Tiffany.
I thought it was ridiculous but it was his money and his choice but now he’s basically funding her entirely while she makes over 1.5k a month, has no rent to pay etc.

I think he’s turning her into a little spoilt princess, she’s 18 and has more disposable income than most, add in dads credit card and she’s living it up good style.

I make less than him and have 2 children so can’t do the same for them which I’m worried will cause jealousy (she already has the 2nd biggest room in the house plus the only room other than the master with an en-suite which caused drama at first!).

AIBU to think this is bloody ridiculous? How would you handle it?

OP you do sound jealous, jealous of what your DP can give his DD compared to what you can give to your DC. You also sound jealous of her career, you need to deal with these feelings. Soon she will start receiving bonus’ and there’s nothing like a good bonus to get people’s backs up.
Your DS will have 5 months off a year, maybe the DD will be jealous of him then when she working and studying hard. Maybe she’ll wish she could go and do Camp America etc or lay in bed all summer, who knows?
Your DC have a good set up, concentrate on what you are doing for them.
I understand how tricky this situation is for you but you aren’t a ‘traditional’ nuclear family where all 3 DC should be treated fairly/equally.

I doubt OP is coming back. She is probably say sulking or having a tantrum at the unfairness of life.

As somebody who is in a relationship with a widower I can tell you that he has a big pot of inheritance and monthly pensions payments that he rightly, spends on the kids. They both have expensive hobbies, they travel the world and they are both, fabulous late teens with their heads screwed on. He can also be very generous to my son but I do not expect that at all and definitely don’t encourage it.

Dont be such a jealous dick OP. Ask to have this thread removed as it could be outing for the daughter (who sounds brilliant by the way).

Tell your son to get a job if he wants more money (although I don’t remember you saying he does).

What do you want? Your husband to provide designer clothes for your kids or to not provide any for his daughter?

Most of what you mention is pretty standard for people who can afford it. You cut your cloth and that means that many well off people - particularly where they approve of their children’s choices - support their children well into adulthood to maintain the kind of lifestyle that they considerable reasonable and similar to what they have at home until they are fully qualified in their chosen (usually well paid) profession and self sufficient. Even then some subsidised holidays etc may be a feature on an ongoing basis as the parents like to treat their hardworking kids and can afford to do so. I’m not making a judgement on anyone, just saying that nothing you mention is different to what I have seen. I think that if wanted your partner to do differently with his money then that’s something to have hammered out pre moving in together. I’m afraid it’s just a difference of approach.

I have known many young people in even more privileged circumstances who work extremely hard in demanding courses, move on to work 12-14 hour days and over nighters) despite their wealth ( eg young lawyers, doctors, investment professionals, civil servants) who are far from spoiled, appreciate the softer path they’ve had due to parental love and wealth and who are partly motivated by the need to do the same for their eventual offspring. Money doesn’t spoil - attitude does.

You partnered up with a richer man with a daughter who earns her own money also who are both clearly used to living a certain way then your all shocked that they both still wish to live that way.

It’s not like they are taking money out your pockets or your children’s it’s their own personal spends.

That's not her child and not her business. We aren't talking about 5yo or young kids where this would be a different situation. We are talking about adult children who are making choices about their own financial setup. I would dump you so fast if you dared tell me what to spend on my dc.

Do you not realise your husband's daughter's choice of study and career path mean she is going to be earning well? It sounds as if she is a sensible girl who is working while studying, and while she enjoys nice things, she will soon be able to afford these little luxuries and a fine life for herself.

Your son, on the other hand. Reading history is a fine thing to do, really admirable. But he is not going to be earning in the same bracket as the daughter. If money and luxuries were important to him, he would have chosen a different course of study.

Just admit it. You are the jealous one here. You resent her, you don't like her. And that is what this is about.

Are you also maybe a wee bit jealous that she has secured a competitive apprenticeship and she is on track to be very financially successful herself? I would no call her the spoilt one here, no.

Girl lost her mum aged 10. Nothing will replace her mum and that is a trauma no one should have to go through. If her well off Dad wants to spend his disposable income on her, that's his choice and entirely right.

Yabu. Its his money, his daughter

Just to say that studying history is not a dead end. It's quite possible if the degree is a good one to then do a conversion to law course and on to a pupilege. In other words become a barrister.

Your son did have the option to study whatever pleased him, and he chose a course which doesn't mean he earns alongside it. Your husband's daughter chose a course (apprenticeship) which means she earns money. That's your son's fault if anything - although it's nobody's fault really, it's only becoming like that because you personally have a problem with it.

24k at 18 is insane to you? Not to be rude but aren't you familiar with inflation? 10 years ago I was on £19,500 a year in my first office job, no experience required, entry level without a degree. I earnt that by interviewing well, which is probably the same for your step daughter. I believe at the time the average wage was around 25k a year, and it's now 30k plus - so me and her probably had equivalent wages. It's not as high as you're making out it is.

She's starting to work in an industry where often appearance matters and those around her will be in designer clothes - her dad can afford it and wants to treat her - so what? My parents also bought me my first wardrobe of office clothes, granted it was missing Selfridge and new look but I was in a tiny tradesmen office where the industries starting point isn't anywhere near the same as your SD.

Quite frankly you appear to be creating problems where nobody else is bothered or cares. If you wanted your kids to earn more, you could have exposed them to careers with higher wages or encouraged them to take on apprenticeships like your SD instead of doing a degree which by nature means you aren't earning money for 3 years unless you take on a part time job. Which your son can,by the way? Why can't he do that? In the one year I was at uni, I simply HAD to and was working 30 hours a week whilst studying. I needed the money. Your son only wants (well, you want) the extra money, so he could get an easygoing part time zero hour gig. You say you want him to focus on his studies by they have maybe 3 hours a day worth of lectures with some days off and some days 1 hour, maybe 1 full day in the schedule - let me tell you he will have plenty of time to do 16 hours a week working for pocket money. It would barely interrupt his student lifestyle.

I fear you have typecasted her as a spoilt brat for making a good educational/financial decision and are slightly infantalising your son in such a way that you'd discourage him from making similar wise decisions such as get a part time job so he can work harder and play harder.

Think you need to mind your business on this unless you want to come across as a bit of a bitter stepmum.

Well, I mean, that's a bit spoiled isn't it?

You seem.to.dislike your DSD enormously. She can't help earning £24k whilst your son only has a student loan - they are taking very different approaches to getting a degree. It is worth remembering that your children are not really equal - different sets of parents with different circumstances. Did mum leave money? That would put a different light on it.

I can’t help but thinking what a lovely life these people have - no mortgage in London, clearly very comfortable, bright kids all doing well.
Personally, I think not teaching kids about the value of money is a mistake but that’s just a lesson I’ve learned myself over time.
I had three jobs at Uni and to be quite frank I learned just as much from them as I did in my degree. That feeling of getting your pay packet is so valuable.
I do feel for this young woman having lost her mother. But her father clearly has the funds to treat her.
It feels like she’s walking into an episode of ‘Industry’ in head-to-toe labels but she’s in wealth management - possibly the labels will pay off for her in the future.
Having a DC do a degree and not work at all is not great. Unless his course is 60 hours a week, it’s a great way to meet lots of different people and have some balance in life.

Completely agree with this. I studied History and English in university then did my postgraduate teacher training where I taught for no pay 8-1 every day. College 2-6, and then worked in a bar till 11 at night to stay afloat. I still managed to get my qualifications but no way did I expect I wouldn't work to keep bills paid

He’s doing a history degree. Insanely low contact (teaching) time. He absolutely should have a job.

My degree is in history, I can’t imagine a degree course more suited to also working. If he was studying medicine, I would understand your point of view.

His daughter is a hard working young lady who sounds like she has real drive to succeed. Quite frankly, mind your own business regarding what he buys for her. If I was to pass away, I can guarantee my husband would be doing the same for our daughter and no new partner would be telling him otherwise!

I suspect she’s very aware of the value of money. You can spend on your children whilst also teaching them financial management and work ethic - this woman being a case in point.

Ok fair enough.
Just to clarify, his daughter has over £500,000 being held back for when she’s ready to buy a house, that is the money from her mum, so no it’s not her mums money letting us all be mortgage free.
Fair enough DS could work but that wouldn’t even out the gifts situation.
No 18 year old, needs jewellery or bags worth thousands. She has several pairs of bloody louboutins she wears to work!!

I don't need jewellery. No one does. But I still buy earrings and bracelets as I like them. Nothing expensive, just things I like.
OP, you really do seem to be very angry about this. Many people, me included, think you probably have a very pleasant life. So is there anything else that is winding you up? It really seems beyond him spending money on his daughter.

No, but she wants them, and she and her father are happy to buy them. Good for her.

The gift situation doesn’t need to be evened out. That you can’t afford to provide the same for your son isn’t his problem, or hers - they have different means to you, which you were aware of when you married him.

But there is no need to even out the gifts. You all live in the same house, but you are not a blended family. He isn't raising your children and you aren't raising his. He can and should treat his daughter how he likes.

you sound awful and I bet your husband has absolutely no idea of the resentment you hold towards this girl.

I truly hope this post gets picked up by the tabloids and reaches someone who recognises enough of the story to show him who you really are.

No 18 yo NEEDS the latest iphone or a gym membership. You still provide this for your son? Why? Because you can, and you want to.

Be honest, if your husband was a lower earner would you get your kid a £50 phone instead of the latest IPhone to make it "fair"?

Any poster here with children leaving everything to her surviving DH should read this thread.

Widowed men are likely to remarry. It is quite possible that the new wife will view what you have left your DH as her 'family money'. Will she resent your DH spending this money on your children rather than on her children as is the case above.

This scenario becomes even more complicated if your surviving DH has children with his new wife. In these situations, it is quite possible that your children will receive very little and will not inherit anything if he leaves everything to his surviving spouse.

Be happy you are teaching your own kids a good way to live and budget. Whether she ends up being spoilt is not your doing or something for you to fix. This is your partners life and situation. Just focus on your own kids safe in the knowledge you are doing everything you can for them.

What your step daughter chooses to do with her money is none of your business. If your partner wants to 'spoil' her. That's none of your business.

She is working too and has money left by her mum. So I would be happy she's living a good life and not desperate for help and needing basic essentials paid for

Or accept this isn't a family set up that's going to work for you.

I was thinking the exact same thing.

I have everything left to the children for this reason (and my husband completely understands). It’s very clearly ring fenced with very specific criteria for release of funds and 3 trustees so that no manipulate future wife or partner can play the whole ‘they should all be treated equally’ game. My daughter will have the life my husband and I planned for her no matter what (son is now grown up so it’s been amended, originally when both were children it would have given both the lives we planned). He went along with it because it was important to me but I don’t think he saw it as in any way realistic that such a thing would happen - I just showed him this post and he was horrified that I was right about how some women think.

She’s not, she’s teaching them they don’t need to work and they’ll have luxuries provided for them.

That is what’s so ironic about the whole post. Her son is doing a minimal contact time uni course yet doesn’t work. No work ethic is bring taught whatsoever.

Daughter on the other hand is being taught that hard work brings financial rewards.