DH is spoiling his adult daughter

[Asofcati]

Context first, DH and I have been together for 6 years, the first 4 years was sort of long distance as he was living in Paris at the time. He has one child. A daughter, who’s 18. I have 2 sons who are 18 and 16.
His daughters mother was French but she passed away when she was just 10 and DH and I had been friends before that.
Anyway 2 years ago he and his daughter moved to London, I sold my home and we bought a house together. Luckily we were in a position to be mortgage free. We both work, he earns a decent amount more than I do but I appreciate we are both well off and comfortable. We generally keep finances separate, and transfer proportional amounts to a joint bank account which covers communal bills and groceries.
This year both the older kids started uni, his daughter is doing a degree apprenticeship in Wealth Planning at a private bank and is making 24k already which just seems bonkers to me but whatever, my son is studying history. They are both still living at home, we don’t charge them rent etc.
We agreed that we’d cover the same things for both of them then my son would have his student loan (basic amount) and his DD would have her wage for fun spending. This already seemed unfair to me as she makes a lot of money while my son makes nothing but I was trying to keep the peace.
We cover for them (from the joint account)

• Phone bill - they both got the new iPhone recently so this is expensive
• gym membership
• groceries they eat at home
• travel to uni/work

Anything outside that is up to them.

Today I found out that DH has added his daughter as an authorised user on his credit card which he pays off from his personal money. Her birthday was in August and he bought her a brand new MacBook, a whole designer wardrobe for work (think Ralph Lauren etc.), a designer work hand bag and jewellery from the likes of Van Cleef and Tiffany.
I thought it was ridiculous but it was his money and his choice but now he’s basically funding her entirely while she makes over 1.5k a month, has no rent to pay etc.

I think he’s turning her into a little spoilt princess, she’s 18 and has more disposable income than most, add in dads credit card and she’s living it up good style.

I make less than him and have 2 children so can’t do the same for them which I’m worried will cause jealousy (she already has the 2nd biggest room in the house plus the only room other than the master with an en-suite which caused drama at first!).

AIBU to think this is bloody ridiculous? How would you handle it?

From my point of view, your son is spoilt too, with everything you give him, and he still has a mum who is alive

Life isn't fair, and there's no way to make it fair. Your son has his Mum, his daughter has money. I wonder which she would choose, if she were able to?

I was being facetious, of course the dd is doing amazing!

If he can comfortably afford it then why not? Sorry OP but you sound jealous.

Eh? He’s the higher earner, they’ve bought a joint home and there’s absolutely nothing in the OP that suggests an 18 year old who lost her mum some years ago is ‘up her own ass’.
You, my dear, sound hateful.

It's not really any of your business and by the sounds of it you're going to have to deal with these feelings because it sounds like she's going to have a very nice life. She's in a good position, studying, earning her own money and getting vital work experience. Your DS doesn't work or earn and god knows what he's going to do with a history degree, may be interesting but not overly relevant for most jobs. Your children's choices shouldn't hold this girl back.

Is she a spoilt brat? You've not given any indication of her behaviour, just the things she owns. I'm not well off but friends are, their kids live amazing lives but are lovely kids.

If my other half loved is adult daughter this much, I would love him even more for it.

Sorry OP all you will get is hate as you’re a second wife and a stepmum so you can’t do anything right.

No, I don’t think it’s right to spoil an adult to this extent - let her earn her own money. Nor is it great that you look bad for not being able to do the same with your children.

But there’s probably little you can do. You can vent about it though. And some people on here seem to equate money with love.

🙄🙄🙄🙄

Good for you. Still doesn’t mean it’s how the system was designed in terms of the degree. Or that everyone should do the same. Plus I was responding to a general comment. As far as we know, the OP’s son isn’t complaining. It’s just the OP.

Agree. There is no way is OP was the higher earner, who put in more money into purchasing the home outright (with the deal to only get 50% of the equity) and she had 1 child to her DH’s, she would never be told to spend less on her child so she can top up here DH’s teenagers when she was already providing so much for them from the joint account!

The daughter is earning her own money. Unlike the OP's son...

Full time degrees are not designed on the assumption that students don’t work. Many student unions will be students to find employment!
A history degree has about 8 hours combined of lectures and seminar time a week. There is more than enough time for a student to work 8-12 hours during the rest of the week including the weekend.
Humanities also have numerous reading weeks where they have no contact time at all.

What is 'bonkers' about his daughters salary?

You're spoiling both of them

I did history at UCL I worked in the student union on and off all the way through it. To be fair I lived a high old life and didnt study much in term I worked enough at home in the hols to get a 2:1. History has a laughably low requirement to actually work.

As you said, his money, his choice.
Your sons are not his problem.

I would be livid if someone told me what to buy or not buy for any of my DC. The DD sounds like she is doing very well in her life and she has a fantastic opportunity to earn really big money. Who knows maybe one day she’ll be able to treat her DF.

So buy the items for your DS?

And tell your DP that you'll be contributing less to the family pot for that month for that reason.

I agree that it's not fair that one child gets £££ spent on them whilst the other gets £.

You need to put this into perspective. Your kids are also spoilt by many people's standards, and get a lot more than many other kids. You do this because you love them and you can afford it.

Would you afford it without your husband?

Would you give them less if you were married to someone that earned less than you?

Oh dear
That's a slippery slope. IME this sort of thing doesn't end well. He could be creating a monster. Is she sensible with her own money or is he also bailing her out?
Nothing wrong with him gifting her things although to me it sounds way over the top.
Ultimately it is up to him as it is his daughter but I understand why you disagree.

So you're saying money=love?
God there are some materialistic people on here

No doubt he was mortgage free before you met due to the death of his wife.

You and your children have benefitted from that because he sold up and bought a property with you with no mortgage.

In effect therefore the spare funds your DP has is also because his wife died, so his daughter is entitled to receive some of that. Your children are not!

But they are. That’s why they’re called full-time degrees. The academics and the universities design full time courses. The amount of ‘contact time’ is only a very small part of the course. Students are expected to work much more independently than at school (as teachers are forever trying to warn them) and doing a humanities degree right really does involve an awful lot of reading, and preparation for seminars, and essay writing, and usually a dissertation.

I’m not saying that student finance and the rental market is designed with the same expectations. But if a parent is able to provide for a student child to the extent that they do not have to work in term time, then that is not spoiling them, just allowing them to do their degree in the way the university expects.

The OP is jealous of her step daughter, her sons probably couldn't give a shit about Van Cleef jewellery or Ralph Lauren work clothes and designer handbags. They probably wouldn't know Van Cleef from cheap copies from QVC.

It has nothing to do with her being the 2nd wife (although the fact she mentions they were friends before his wife died and got together fairly quickly after feels like she was hovering in the wings) and all to do with the fact she is jealous and would probably like the step daughter to hate her father and disappear.

Sorry but enabling your young person not to work does them no favours. When we take on new trainees and grads, you can spot the ones who have never worked a mile off. And not in a good way 🫤

I worked in a supermarket from my final year at school and through some of university. I learned soooo much from that experience that no amount of book learning is ever going to teach you. I also grew in confidence when dealing with new people etc. Also, I had an entirely separate group of friends and social life outside of school/uni, with people from all walks of life, and that was valuable too.

i want my kids to work. Not for the money, I can cover that, but because life experience is so important.