DH is spoiling his adult daughter

[Asofcati]

Context first, DH and I have been together for 6 years, the first 4 years was sort of long distance as he was living in Paris at the time. He has one child. A daughter, who’s 18. I have 2 sons who are 18 and 16.
His daughters mother was French but she passed away when she was just 10 and DH and I had been friends before that.
Anyway 2 years ago he and his daughter moved to London, I sold my home and we bought a house together. Luckily we were in a position to be mortgage free. We both work, he earns a decent amount more than I do but I appreciate we are both well off and comfortable. We generally keep finances separate, and transfer proportional amounts to a joint bank account which covers communal bills and groceries.
This year both the older kids started uni, his daughter is doing a degree apprenticeship in Wealth Planning at a private bank and is making 24k already which just seems bonkers to me but whatever, my son is studying history. They are both still living at home, we don’t charge them rent etc.
We agreed that we’d cover the same things for both of them then my son would have his student loan (basic amount) and his DD would have her wage for fun spending. This already seemed unfair to me as she makes a lot of money while my son makes nothing but I was trying to keep the peace.
We cover for them (from the joint account)

• Phone bill - they both got the new iPhone recently so this is expensive
• gym membership
• groceries they eat at home
• travel to uni/work

Anything outside that is up to them.

Today I found out that DH has added his daughter as an authorised user on his credit card which he pays off from his personal money. Her birthday was in August and he bought her a brand new MacBook, a whole designer wardrobe for work (think Ralph Lauren etc.), a designer work hand bag and jewellery from the likes of Van Cleef and Tiffany.
I thought it was ridiculous but it was his money and his choice but now he’s basically funding her entirely while she makes over 1.5k a month, has no rent to pay etc.

I think he’s turning her into a little spoilt princess, she’s 18 and has more disposable income than most, add in dads credit card and she’s living it up good style.

I make less than him and have 2 children so can’t do the same for them which I’m worried will cause jealousy (she already has the 2nd biggest room in the house plus the only room other than the master with an en-suite which caused drama at first!).

AIBU to think this is bloody ridiculous? How would you handle it?

This already seemed unfair to me as she makes a lot of money while my son makes nothing.

Your DH's daughter getting paid £24k for holding down a job and studying at the same time while your poor DS chooses not to work and live on his student loan.

So 'unfair' 🙄

He’s responsible for his daughter, she’s responsible for her sons.

And teach him jealousy isn't nice, definitely the thief of joy. Get a job, be grateful for the (excellent) parental help he's receiving financially and enjoy being a student

I don’t think the son is jealous, it’s the OP. She’s jealous of her motherless step daughter and the nice things her dad buys for her.

Maybe the dd could give up her.job, be a student and be fully funded by her dad then.alls fair?..

£24k doesn’t go far in London. If she’s working for a private bank she’ll stick out like a sore thumb if she doesn’t have a designer wardrobe, and she won’t be able to form good relationships with clients. It’s a different world from a humanities degree and that’s just the way things are. Your son doesn’t seem to have expressed an opinion — this is all you projecting.

Can't yo give your DS more money
If he is on minimum loan you should be topping that up to the least the maximum loan
o

This is sadly the reality for so many students. The gap is widening.

I think that blended family life Is not that simple, and that each parent has a connection on many levels with each teen in this blended family, and responsibilities do come along with these relationships.

This!!!

It's your son who's spoiled! The daughter is working and earning her own money. Your son is not and not expected to. 🤷‍♀️

If both of them were your children, would you give the uni child the same amount of money as the other child who's chosen a course of action, is earning? Because if you did that would be madness.

Expecting his daughter and your son to be funded the same way, is as ridiculous as the above scenario. They've chosen different routes.

And he can spend his money on her as he likes. These are children that only came together on their mid teens. You can't force equality here.

No, given that that’s how OP’s family operates, along with many other blended families, it really is that simple if you want it to be.

I have two undergrad degrees, a masters and professional qualifications. I also have parents who left school with no qualifications at 14, so couldn't bank roll me. I worked, part time term time, full time in the holidays, often a day job and bar work on top. He has all of his needs meet, so if he wants more fun money 8-10 hours a week at McDonald's won't kill him.

Maybe some of the money he has was inherited from his late wife and he is spending a proportion of that on their dd. That’s what his late wife would have wanted, and not for it to be used on someone else’s children.

Your son is doing History degree - how many actual contact hours does he have?

If they want the kids to be equal the lad could get a job like thousands of other students but OP doesn’t want him to. doesn't sound like equal sums of money were put in to the house neither. it is all relative.

Not very many I suspect, I had eight hours a week contact time for an English degree back in the dark ages, all humanities degrees were about the same. And he also has very long vacations. When I was a student I worked in vacations to pay off my overdraft. OP’s stepdaughter is working full time and studying for a degree

Agree with the general consensus that it's none of your business.

I'm curious though, as you have seperate finances, why are you paying for the children's expenses from the joint account? And does that mean your second child also has expenses paid for from that account (or at least will when they're older)? If so, sounds like he is being generous here in contributing for two childrenwhen he only has one.

Seems more sensible to me to pay only joint expenses from the joint account (house bills, maintenance and food), while each parent is responsible for paying for their own children in any way they choose without causing resentment

My thoughts exactly @BIossomtoes . My arts degree I was in about 8 hours a week in first year . Dh doing a humanities degree now and has 9 contact hours a week. I will say he does study outwith that which I did not but he also works 12 hours a week

But why would she want to do that? She's working, earning and learning. This approach should be applauded.

This is so ridiculous and you just sound bitter you can’t afford to spend the same on your son.

Tell your son to get a job? I did a history degree too and I worked all throughout uni and I still managed to get a 1st.

What your partner does with his money is literally up to him seeing as you keep finances separate.

Also - they aren’t ‘children’. They’re adults. It’s not the same as having two 5 year olds living at home and treating them equally.

Its amazing this works when a man earns a lot more than a woman then it becomes 'family money' when it is the other way round it is 'you need to protect your assets'

If the daughter is hard-working and goes into private banking she will be set up for life. Sounds as though she's already pretty on the ball in terms of what she wants to achieve, and is doing it.

Wow you are absolutely nobody to be dictating how he spends on his child. The audacity of you to have any sort of feelings over this. Boo for your son, that has nothing to do with you and his life with his child. Good for her for earning good money at her age. You are absolutely no one in her life to be having any thoughts and feeling about this situation

Hmmm I notice that the OP hasn't returned. I'm not sure how she thought this thread would go.

Agree. If I had died before my children were fully independent I would expect their father to spend my money and assets on our children. Not the kids of some random woman who was sniffing around my husband before I died.