To be concerned about DD (18)?

[namechangemumofteen]

I promise I'm a regular poster - name changed for this. Please feel free to ask MN to verify. I need some advice as I'm worried sick.

My daughter has just turned 18 recently and I'm a bit concerned about some of her attitudes towards sex. She has just started seeing someone new (known him literally a matter of weeks, a month tops), he's the same age, she told me they'd slept together on their second date and that she hadn't used protection. She says this is fine because she's on the pill. Obviously I've explained why it's actually not fine and she needs to protect herself from more than just pregnancy. Her response was "he's only slept with 6 people so it's fine". I pointed out that obviously it's irrelevant how many he's slept with and the point is she could have been exposing herself to STIs etc. She just seems really naive about it all and unconcerned. I said she should really get herself a sexual health clinic appointment, her response was "that's embarrassing I'm not doing that". Again, I explained that there's nothing embarrassing about looking after one's sexual health.

She just seems really naive to it all and I'm worried she's taking silly risks with her sexual health (and also risking pregnancy).

I know she's an adult (only just), but ultimately she's an adult who still lives in my home without the financial means to support herself (she's studying A levels at college), and so any mistakes she makes now are going to become my problem by default, aren't they. I'd never turn my back on my 18 year old daughter if she found herself pregnant and needing support (whichever decision she made regarding a hypothetical baby), so ultimately I'll have to mop this up. I feel therefore she needs to listen to my guidance and my views on it, but then I'm acutely aware she's legally an adult making her own decisions.

Is this just how it is now? Having to step back and watch her take silly risks and just pray and hope for the best while she ignores my advice?

Please be kind. I'm brand new to parenting a young adult and I'm struggling. I want to wrap my baby girl up and protect her from these mistakes but, I can't can I?

Any advice from anyone who's been there? 😕

Your DD is certainly being naive, Op.

But you've explained your concerns. I think that she does need to make her own mistakes. It's extremely frustrating watching your young adult child making decisions that you don't understand. I honestly think that my DD was more sensible at 13 than between the ages of 15 and 20! Good luck!

I meant to add, she said her boyfriend has been "meaning to get some condoms" but then just ... didn't? I said I'd buy her some, she said no it's fine, he will get them. Part of me is now wondering if he's putting pressure on her not to use them?!

You can't force her to go to an STD clinic if she has no symptoms. Not many people would want to do that on their mother's say so.
You've said your piece about condoms being important. She's on the pill and her contraception choices really are her own. It's good she's using contraception.
If you want to, you could just buy her some and say just keep them in your room/on you for emergencies. Or just leave them in a bathroom cupboard. If she chooses to use them or not then at least you've tried.
I wouldn't let it worry you too much as there's not much else you can do but suggest and support, and respect her privacy.

@BobbyBiscuits
Thanks, that's good advice. It's just so hard watching it unfold. I want to fast forward her maturity level by about a decade so we are through this silly risk taking phase!

@Motnight
yes, I'd agree with that! She was definitely more mature around 15-16 ish than now.

I’d put condoms in her room. And some leaflets on STIs and the risk of HIV and HPV viruses.

@namechangemumofteen if youre worried she might forget to take her pill, you could mention the injection? But again it really is her business. I'd say just place a load of rubbers in the bathroom!

I don't think you should just back off. She's putting herself at risk of HIV, syphilis etc.

Send her pics and info links to the awful diseases so shes fully aware of how utterly stupid she is being with her health.

My dd claimed she /they were being careful. Now 15 weeks pregnant at 17....

Well yes, indeed. And apparently he's just turned 18 this summer, the month before she did. I personally was a little 😳 at "only slept with 6". For that age that feels a lot?!

I grew up in the 90s so the whole AIDS thing scared me shitless from a young age. I don't think there is anything out there right now which is remotely as bad as it was back then so it will be hard to talk any sense into her. You've done your part, the rest is up to her, I'm afraid.

She is naive, stupid and not self respecting. I would be distraught if this were my dd.

Yes many on here will say having sex with someone on the second date is normal. At 18, I think it's woeful.

At least she feels she can talk to you OP. Just keep telling her how irresponsible it is and that she needs to put her health first.

I assume her choice to still be pregnant?

17 is so terribly young. You must be devastated.

Teen boys give a number many times higher than the truth.

He was probably a virgin or only slept with one, if that makes you feel better OP!

You have given her the information, school will have drummed it into her and there is a wealth of information on the Internet if she cares to look.
At this point all you can do is step back and let her make her own mistakes.
I do think this generation (and I include my own children in this statement before I get flamed!) are by far the most supported, well informed, cosseted young adults to have ever walked the earth! My mother had no clue who I was sleeping with at 18, much less whether I used any contraception at all! Sometimes they need to learn from their mistakes without us trying to mother some sense into them.

I don’t know if it’s a naive thing or if it’s a probably not old enough or mature enough to be having sex thing.

I’m in my 20’s now, married and just had a baby, even when I was on the pill we always used condoms because I was sure I’d be that 1% who ended up pregnant even while taking the pill! But one of my younger cousins has not long turned 18 and at the start of the year asked me to go with her to the GP so that she could get started on the pill, she didn’t want to go to her mum with this so fair enough I went with her. I had this exact conversation with her, saying the pill isn’t 100% against pregnancy and that there are also STI’s to think of so I had sort of said you know if you’re not going to use condoms then you both need to get tested beforehand, whether you’ve slept with 1 person or 100, there’s still a chance you could have caught something. She was mortified at the thought of asking him to do this and wouldn’t even entertain the idea. Feels very foolish to me when you’re going to put that level of trust in someone but there’s nothing I can do to force her, just give her the info and she can do what she likes with it.

I would argue if you’re not able to have a straight conversation with your partner about STI’s and getting tested that you aren’t ready to be letting them inside you, but that doesn’t go down well with an 18 year old!

It is possible that her responses are just initial reactions and after thinking, she may go to a clinic for tests under her own steam. My teens would almost pathologically refuse my advice and say it was stupid and then I’d later find out they followed it. How she said boyfriend will get condoms is kind of an admission that she has taken what you said on board and brought it up with him (and I agree he should get them, they should not be her responsibility to provide) even though she initially told you she was being careful.

Show her the recent post on here re HPV virus and the issues it causes and there are much worse.

@namechangemumofteen

why wasn't the risk of STI's & the need for condoms drilled into her when she was younger?

it is a difficult age for parents to navigate because they are legally adults, but most decent parents know that their kids bad decisions will come down on them to sort/support.

just keep talking to her, put condoms in the bathroom & keep talking to her about HER sexual health being FAR more important than him not wanting to use them so 'forgetting' to buy some.

Does she want kids one day? Explain how STI's can affect this.

Is she aware of antibiotic resistant STI's?

Maybe leave her a book on sexual health in her room, along with a box of condoms and the number for the nearest clinic.

It's such an awful age their adults but also don't fully grasp consequences. And theirs very little as a parent you can do about it apart from be there when it all goes to shit. We always talk about how 18 year olds are adults but their so vunerable and naive at this age I dread the teenage years with my girls

I think she needs a bit of tough love and if that were my dd I’d be a lot more brutal about the numerous consequences that could arise as a result of her cavalier and quite frankly, gormless attitude. If she’s old enough to be having sex, she’s old enough to put up with a bit of a ‘for-your-own-good’ bollocking.

why wasn't the risk of STI's & the need for condoms drilled into her when she was younger?

Well, she's always been very open with me about her friends, boyfriends, drinking etc. After she turned 16 I did "the chat" about safe sex etc with her and she was all very breezy and dismissive. Sort of, you don't need to worry about any of this yet mum, I'm not ready to have sex, etc. I'll come to you if I need advice, etc. And now, here we are somehow.

Maybe I didn't do enough. I'm not perfect. I need to do better now though.