To be concerned about DD (18)?

[namechangemumofteen]

I promise I'm a regular poster - name changed for this. Please feel free to ask MN to verify. I need some advice as I'm worried sick.

My daughter has just turned 18 recently and I'm a bit concerned about some of her attitudes towards sex. She has just started seeing someone new (known him literally a matter of weeks, a month tops), he's the same age, she told me they'd slept together on their second date and that she hadn't used protection. She says this is fine because she's on the pill. Obviously I've explained why it's actually not fine and she needs to protect herself from more than just pregnancy. Her response was "he's only slept with 6 people so it's fine". I pointed out that obviously it's irrelevant how many he's slept with and the point is she could have been exposing herself to STIs etc. She just seems really naive about it all and unconcerned. I said she should really get herself a sexual health clinic appointment, her response was "that's embarrassing I'm not doing that". Again, I explained that there's nothing embarrassing about looking after one's sexual health.

She just seems really naive to it all and I'm worried she's taking silly risks with her sexual health (and also risking pregnancy).

I know she's an adult (only just), but ultimately she's an adult who still lives in my home without the financial means to support herself (she's studying A levels at college), and so any mistakes she makes now are going to become my problem by default, aren't they. I'd never turn my back on my 18 year old daughter if she found herself pregnant and needing support (whichever decision she made regarding a hypothetical baby), so ultimately I'll have to mop this up. I feel therefore she needs to listen to my guidance and my views on it, but then I'm acutely aware she's legally an adult making her own decisions.

Is this just how it is now? Having to step back and watch her take silly risks and just pray and hope for the best while she ignores my advice?

Please be kind. I'm brand new to parenting a young adult and I'm struggling. I want to wrap my baby girl up and protect her from these mistakes but, I can't can I?

Any advice from anyone who's been there? 😕

Ha, if the OP does her daughter will be mortified and the boy will run a mile, she won't see him for dust. Of course, he's a skank who doesn't use condoms so that would probably be a good result for the OP and her DD, but it might take her DD a very long time to forgive her.

Your doing well with keep talking to your daughter. She doesn't need to go to a clinic you can get sti tests in the post now.

Only 6 partners? If Mr No-Condom’s 6 partners had an average of 3 partners each before sleeping with him and those partners each had an average of 3 … And she knows he doesn’t use protection.

Chlamydia is very often asymptomatic in women. 7 out of 10 women who tested positive had no symptoms at the time of diagnosis. The longer it’s left untreated the higher the risk of infertility and ectopic pregnancy.

If she has no symptoms, some areas have free testing to request online and send in the post - much like in the covid days! E.g. here for Londoners:
https://www.shl.uk/

If she goes in person they usually give you as many free condoms as you can carry, in various sizes.

I'd love to be able to do this, but as a PP said, I do fear my daughter wouldn't forgive me and would die of embarrassment.

Oh dear OP. I can commiserate. My DS made/makes silly choices sometimes and I was always concerned that there would be an unplanned pregnancy.

The important thing is your DD is talking to you. Please take this as a massive positive, in an otherwise worrying situation.

Do get some condoms and leave them in her room. You could also pop a post-it note on the box saying something along the lines that you are still concerned, but whatever happens you are still her mum.

The ideal scenario at this point is that she goes to a sexual health clinic. If you can keep the lines of communication going between you, stay reasonable despite what you feel inside, and when you mention it again you could offer to drop her off and pick her up afterwards.

Navigating the transition from teen to young adult is not easy. Compromise and communication.

This is what I'd do too. If you keep "going on" (from her POV) then you're running the risk of pushing her away or of her not confiding in you whereas right now you seem to have a really open relationship where she's talking to you about these things. That openness is worth preserving because if she does get into difficulty it means she's more likely to come tell you.

Give her a box of condoms, tell her you love her and you want her to be safe, and then leave her to make her own choices.

I do understand. You are doing so much better than most parents. I don’t know how many have a daughter who would be as open as yours has. You don’t want to break what might be a fragile bond between you.

You have done your best, as in lot of parenting, you just have to hope for the best now. As to him running a mile, 6 sexual partners at 18, he is a user of young women. He won’t be around for long anyway.

Well, she's an adult. She's got the pill. She can ask for condoms when she gets her prescription.

She's old enough to have sex with whoever she wants and old enough to take responsibility.

20yrs old.

Twenty years!

An adult!!!

Make sure she pays for her keep, don't allow one night stands and absolutely do not stock condoms in the bathroom cabinet. I mean, come on! She can get her own and she deserves some privacy.

Can you order an online testing kit and just pop it in her room and say I’ve got this if you feel like you want to need to test you can use this and just pop it in the post box and they will text you your results

18, eighteen, still at school.

It doesn't matter how many times you say 20/twenty, the OP's daughter is still only just 18.

And she's at school. Presumably in Y13.

Yes, she's an adult, but most parents carry on caring about their children/giving a fuck even after they become adults.

She's 18

And she's at school. Presumably in Y13.

Yes this is correct

Thank you, I needed to read that

I think you need to prioritise. If she's on the pill and takes it correctly the risk of pregnancy is minimal. It's the health issues that are the worry. If it were me I'd just give her some hard facts about the risks and consequences, the things she could catch and what those things do to you. I'd also be encouraging her to reflect on why she was prepared to put her health on the line so a man didn't need to wear a condom, and who was benefitting from that. Sometimes coming at it from a feminist angle can reach them in a way motherly concern doesn't.

@5128gap
That's really helpful. Thank you.

Ultimately she’s an adult and you can’t force her to do anything but that doesn’t mean you can’t keep trying to educate her and hope some of it goes in. At 18 the brain is still developing and she probably thinks she is invincible. But try not to bombard her as you don’t want it to backfire and her to stop being open with you.

I know someone who contracted herpes the first time they ever had sex and now deals with regular outbreaks, has almost completely killed their sex life.
I know someone else who developed reactive arthritis after contracting chlamydia and now lives with the long term effects of this even after the chlamydia was treated.

One thing that I do recommend looking into is online/postal sexual health checks. A lot of places now have these. If she’s too embarrassed to go to a clinic maybe she’d agree to an at home test she can do herself without having to see anyone face to face! And perhaps her boyfriend should do one too, if he won’t.. says it all really.

And yes as others have said just get the condoms.

Draw her a little map. If he’s slept with 6 people, if they’ve “only” slept with another 6 people each, how many people does she potentially have an STD from.

I've just spoken to her briefly after she got back from a cinema date with the boyfriend. She said she told him about my concerns and he allegedly said he would get condoms 🤷‍♀️
I said does he know if he doesn't take this seriously and puts you at risk I'll be fuming with him and this won't be a good start to me getting to know him? She said yes, he knows. And basically told me I could back off now. Oh and she promised to get one of those STI kits through the post.

So that's all I can do for now, isn't it.

Thanks everyone, it's been helpful to vent on here and get some outside perspectives.

“That’s all you can do now”. Don’t undervalue what you have achieved. It is brilliant and clearly coming from a place of love. You must have worked to hard this past 18 years to raise a daughter who respects your opinion and takes your advice. I am sure this will bode well for your future. You can be proud of yourself and her.

🥹 thank you so much x

Completely agree she is being naive and stupid and I would be extremely concerned about the attitude towards protection, and not being able to grasp the risks. However, a woman possessing no ‘self respect’ for having sex on the second date seems unnecessarily judgemental- if it’s consensual and safe then who really cares. The big issue here is that it’s NOT safe.

OP- it’s great your DD is honest and happy to chat with you, a lot of young adults wouldn’t even share this aspect of their lives with their parents so you seem to have a good and open relationship. However I do find it shocking how naïve she seems about safe sex. If she’s doing A-levels she must be pretty intelligent, the comment about ‘he’s only slept with six people so it’s fine’ is ridiculous! I agree with PPs to supply a big stash of condoms. Could you bribe her into going to the clinic for a check-up and maybe some more reliable contraception, offer to pay for a nice lunch after or something?