To be concerned about DD (18)?

[namechangemumofteen]

I promise I'm a regular poster - name changed for this. Please feel free to ask MN to verify. I need some advice as I'm worried sick.

My daughter has just turned 18 recently and I'm a bit concerned about some of her attitudes towards sex. She has just started seeing someone new (known him literally a matter of weeks, a month tops), he's the same age, she told me they'd slept together on their second date and that she hadn't used protection. She says this is fine because she's on the pill. Obviously I've explained why it's actually not fine and she needs to protect herself from more than just pregnancy. Her response was "he's only slept with 6 people so it's fine". I pointed out that obviously it's irrelevant how many he's slept with and the point is she could have been exposing herself to STIs etc. She just seems really naive about it all and unconcerned. I said she should really get herself a sexual health clinic appointment, her response was "that's embarrassing I'm not doing that". Again, I explained that there's nothing embarrassing about looking after one's sexual health.

She just seems really naive to it all and I'm worried she's taking silly risks with her sexual health (and also risking pregnancy).

I know she's an adult (only just), but ultimately she's an adult who still lives in my home without the financial means to support herself (she's studying A levels at college), and so any mistakes she makes now are going to become my problem by default, aren't they. I'd never turn my back on my 18 year old daughter if she found herself pregnant and needing support (whichever decision she made regarding a hypothetical baby), so ultimately I'll have to mop this up. I feel therefore she needs to listen to my guidance and my views on it, but then I'm acutely aware she's legally an adult making her own decisions.

Is this just how it is now? Having to step back and watch her take silly risks and just pray and hope for the best while she ignores my advice?

Please be kind. I'm brand new to parenting a young adult and I'm struggling. I want to wrap my baby girl up and protect her from these mistakes but, I can't can I?

Any advice from anyone who's been there? 😕

it is a difficult age for parents to navigate because they are legally adults, but most decent parents know that their kids bad decisions will come down on them to sort/support.

This sums it up exactly. It's so hard. Harder than any other phase of parenting I've had to navigate, by a mile.

Unfortunately I think alot of teens are just jn the ‘it won’t happen to me’ category. I’d be very worried too op.

i think you need to keep talking about it, but condoms and put them in her room, leaves leaflets etc. and still in to her that you cannot tell if someone has hiv/hpv/chlamidya etc.

id also be talking to her about having the confidence to say no to anything she’s not comfortable with.

aside from that, there’s little rise you can do

Does she know how you would react if she became pregnant? Maybe if she thought you would go ballistic and she would have to fend for herself it would force her to think again about using condoms.

I would definitely leave condoms for her.

I would also point out that from an infection risk pov she's having sex with everyone her boy friend had sex with AND everyone they had sex with before him - so her risk isn't limited to BF plus his 6.

I don’t think you can talk it through with teens, sometimes they are often just closed to the discussion.

Print a large image of the lumps across the vagina with a note saying you love her and want her to avoid this type of hideous disease in the image. This is the only thing that seems to work.

She will scream ewww and probably show her friends what her crazy mother left for her, but it will go in somewhere. At this age STIs are not something that could possibly happen to her.

God, I feel for you OP. I think we assume that thanks to the internet and updated sex ed at school that this generation know all there is to kow about sex and then some, and perhaps they think so too, but my experience is that they're astonishingly ignorant. They could write an essay about issues around consent, but it doesn't seem to make them any less vulnerable to coercive situations than any previous generation, and they seem to have really odd ideas about the risks of different types sexual activity (e.g. it's only oral, it doesn't count) etc.

I think grasping the nettle with her now, tricky though it will be, is something you just have to do, and it may end up making all the difference. Lecture her if necessary. She'll roll her eyes and give you a hard time but some of it will go in. Buy her condoms. Suggest an implant instead of the pill. Offer to make appointments and take her to them if that's what it takes. You may not be able to keep her completely safe, but it doesn't sound as though she's ready to be cut completely loose yet.

I drummed into both of mine that there are 2 reasons not to use a condom, 1 to have a baby, 2 to have an STI.
I have found condoms in both their rooms (not hidden, not snooping). So I hope they are both being sensible.

Yes I said similar to this to her.

Can you buy her a supply?

@IMustDoMoreExercise
Yes, and I offered to do just that. She declined and said the boyfriend would sort it. I'm going to get them regardless though, as others have suggested, and leave them in her room / the bathroom etc.

Thank you for saying this. My own dd18 is being a prat now but was lovely at 15/16!!!

No advice OP but I feel for you.

Show her this OP.

It is important to note that the bacteria that cause gonorrhea have become resistant to some antibiotics over time. This means that certain antibiotics that were once effective for treating gonorrhea may no longer be effective. This is why it is important to see a doctor for proper diagnosis and treatment.

I was on the Pill and used condoms when younger. I was terrified of becoming pregnant, even though I religiously took my Pill. You have said your piece. Buy condoms and leave them in your daughter's room, along with some leaflets on the different sexual diseases. Unfortunately, there is little else you can do, other than keeping the lines of communication open. Her boyfriend may say he's slept with 6 others but teenage boys lie, so that may not be the truth! If it is, then at just 18, that's pretty high.

I'm going to go slightly against the grain here.

Don't "keep telling her she's being irresponsible". You will only make her rebel more to try to prove you wrong.

Instead, calmly explain that you accept she is an adult and is free to make her own choices and take her own risks, but say that you are only concerned/worried because you love her and don't want to see anything bad happen to her. Remind her that you are there to support her if she needs anything, including advice. Buy her some condoms and let her know they are just there "in case she wants them at any point".

I had four decades of sexual activity, some of it with quite skanky blokes. Because I was on the pill, I never considered condoms. In retrospect I'm somewht aghast at my recklessness, but I'm still here to tell the tale and never got any STDs.

I would leave them on top of her bag.

She can buy a range.

@GentleFinch

They come in all shapes and sizes so it's really up to the gent to select what is comfy for him. You might buy the wrong size and shape and you aren't gonna ask her for a description of it.

Well no, of course I'm not going to ask for a description. But ultimately, this lad is having sex with my daughter irresponsibly and he's half responsible for that. He's not taking the responsibility he should be, and so my primary concern is not what's "comfy for him". It's what will protect my daughter from infections and pregnancy, both of which will be her problem alone to resolve, and by default also mine.

Personally I'd insist she was on the injection while she lives in your house. Then I'd explain about STIs, buy her some condoms and leave the ball in her court. You can't ensure she makes the right decisions, only advise her.

The most important thing is that she’s talking to you. Keep advising her as she opens up to you but I wouldn’t go too far because she might just stop talking.

Do you know if your DD would ever like to have children in the future, OP?

One of my friends had untreated chlamydia which damaged her fallopian tubes and now she can't have a baby. If she'd got herself tested after she had unprotected sex and taken some antibiotics she might have been spared all this grief.

If she gets HIV then the good news is it probably won't kill her these days, but she'll be on antiretroviral drugs for the rest of her life and have to disclose her HIV status to her future sexual partners.

If she gets herpes she'll also have to disclose that to future sexual partners and she could have a nasty outbreak at any time, including on her wedding night. She would also be at risk of infecting her baby if she ever gives birth vaginally.

Just a few examples of what could happen if she doesn't pay attention to her sexual health.

As someone who caught Herpes off my cheating ex and had the most hellish first few outbreaks (I wouldn’t wish it on anybody), she is being really, really stupid.
Get some leaflets on Herpes and put them in her room. The pain is unbearable and you feel so unwell with it.

Would it be possible to speak to them together. Maybe start by saying. I know you think this is embarrassing and I am interfering but you have told me that you are mature enough to be sexually intimate . Being mature is not just about preventing pregnancy. These days being aware of sexual health is more important than ever. I can’t believe that you won’t go sexual health clinic because it is embarrassing. How much more embarrassing do you think it will be If either of you have an infection. I think you, I particular,(boy) are grossly irresponsible and disrespectful of my daughter. If you really cared about her you would not be so selfish.