Please help me find the perfect word to shut down HR

[FromTheBubblegumTree]

I have agreed to help HR with their investigation (this is not a place where I work). They are sending me emails with a rude 'you will do what we say and comply with our processes because we are higher than you' tone. They have completely missed the point that I am not one of their employees and am doing them a favour. I owe them nothing.

I am in communication with someone else from the company. I want to say something along the lines of.

I am happy to help HR. I am not happy for HR to bully me.

Bully is too strong. I just want them to wind their neck in!

Please help. (I am rubbish at writing corporate emails)

@NeverDropYourMooncup This with bells on.
I thought from the OP that this was just a case of an arsey tone in emails, but it’s far worse. HR are actually being underhand and dishonest with information, and you have to disentangle yourself from their efforts to cover up.

Just read your update OP. Sounds a lot like the Post Office!

By the way, if you make a point of including the person's name (the one they're trying to stitch up), it then becomes something that has to be released during an SAR.

Got to love the employer that paid me to learn how to say this shit. They did regret it eventually.

For some reason I am imagining this as either an investigation into the allegations of Meghan Markle’s bullying at Buckingham Palace or the Red Bull Racing investigation into Christian Horner and whatever he was accused of.

Let’s say you are friends with either Christian Horner or his PA, the HR idiots are Red Bull’s HR department, and there is third party (Barrister) investigating.

Do you have the option of communicating directly with the Third Party? If so, I’d suggest doing that as much as possible, copying in your friend and HR if appropriate.

Another option is cutting out HR completely and going straight to Third Party. Given that you don’t work for Red Bull, it would be inappropriate for your information/testimony/evidence/whatever to go through them as it may impact the impartiality of the investigation and, of course, HR wouldn’t want that, would they? (You picked up in the sarcasm there, right?) If you do that make sure you also exclude your friend, or just send stuff to his non-work email address.

As for one liners to shut down HR:
As I am not employed by Red Bull, it would be inappropriate for me to (do whatever they are asking).

Optional extra - add the following to the sentence above - but I shall ensure that information reached Third Party.

For your information, I am not employed by Red Bull (yeah, they already know but this is a polite, ok, semi-polite reminder) which makes the tone of these emails demanding rather than requesting.

Are you asking me or are you telling me to….?

Condescend?

Oh, you’re good!

I want you on my side if I have any employment issues!

Or “dear hr. I suggest you run your messages through chat GPT with the instruction: make this polite”.

This is awesome!

Hold this one in reserve OP!

I'd also be tempted to throw in a "you seem to have forgotten that I don't actually work for your company."

I have seen too much time and energy wasted by trying to be polite and correct and rule-following with people who aren't. I also don't appreciate being used or manipulated. Keep the substance of the matter front and centre at all times.

You know the name of the 3rd party investigator. You are free to contact them directly. You and they can have a confidential relationship; HR and they can have a confidential relationship. Ask the investigator what they need to know from you and give it to them (subject to your contract terms with the company HR is a dept of). Be in charge of what happens to you, your work and your reputation.

I would love to hear HR's side of this story...

Pressure, rather than bully.

@FromTheBubblegumTree why the hell are you helping and hr department if you do not work for the company??? this doesnt make sense!

There are ways to say that and then there are ways to say that.

Ah - that is slightly different. In which case, I would simply respond saying that you will respond to the third party investigating officer directly; you have no intention of entering into any other correspondence with them; and to cease contacting you or else you will block them. Simple as. I wouldn't bother being "polite" about it, just firm. Your involvement is nothing to do with them, and purely a matter for the third party investigator.

I know the convo has moved on but I think 'hector' is the word you were originally looking for

It's hard to know without seeing the email, but is it the case that you have to agree to comply with their processes if you are to be involved? If so, volunteer or not, the statement is not unreasonable, though the tone does not sound ideal.
Do you feel you have to say something?

Because HR are being forced to do deal with something. They have hired an external investigator. I have been asked by the company (I am in correspondence with them over a different matter) to help HR with their process and speak with the external investigator as I have crucial evidence. I agreed to this given what is at stake Only HR are trying to pull a fast one because they know the company has messed up.

"I am writing to clarify my involvement in assisting with your investigation. As I am not an employee of [Company’s Name], my participation is entirely voluntary, and I am providing information solely to aid your team in reaching an informed outcome.
*
While I am committed to supporting your efforts, I am not bound by [Company’s Name]’s internal policies or procedures. I respectfully request that my voluntary role is acknowledged, and any requests for information are made with this understanding in mind.*"

@FromTheBubblegumTree - just out of interest, is this to do broadly with the education sector? Please feel free not to say (or PM me), but I’ve had something v similar recently. Feel for you. It’s a lot of responsibility on your shoulders and there’s some murky practices. 💐

Please bear in mind that I don't work for you, so your deadlines are not my deadlines.

This.

‘Thank you for your email dated XXX.

As I am sure you can appreciate, in situations like this, it is important to me that the external organisation has all of the information I have so that a thorough, non biased and transparent investigation can be carried out.

Therefore, as an external and voluntary agent in the process I feel it’s important for me to be clear that;

1. I will be sending XYZ to both yourselves and the external provider separately to ensure complete transparency.
2. I will do this by X date in Y format.’

But you need to follow the organisation’s HR processes and policies for it to be a fair investigation. If you don’t want to do that, then you’re in fact not happy to help, and shouldn’t volunteer. Of course they’re going to give you direction, they’re responsible for ensuring compliance with their processes. Otherwise they’ll be responsible when there’s an ET and the company receives a large fine for not following its own process…

They have completely missed the point that I am not one of their employees and am doing them a favour. I owe them nothing.

Then that is exactly what you should tell them. Don't say 'bully.' It comes over as a bit infantile and persecution complex-y.

Say something like 'I would like to remind your HR department that while I am happy to co-operate with their investigation, I am under no obligation to do so. I am not a company employee and I would therefore appreciate a change of tone in their correspondence to me.

Just remind them that you're not an employee and are helping on a voluntary basis, and would therefore appreciate a mutually respectful interaction. If that's not possible then you will be unable to assist further.