Please help me find the perfect word to shut down HR

[FromTheBubblegumTree]

I have agreed to help HR with their investigation (this is not a place where I work). They are sending me emails with a rude 'you will do what we say and comply with our processes because we are higher than you' tone. They have completely missed the point that I am not one of their employees and am doing them a favour. I owe them nothing.

I am in communication with someone else from the company. I want to say something along the lines of.

I am happy to help HR. I am not happy for HR to bully me.

Bully is too strong. I just want them to wind their neck in!

Please help. (I am rubbish at writing corporate emails)

Yep this is the kind of thing you need, tailored to a specific example of them trying to order you around. So e.g.

’We require you to complete form F by close of play Friday and it must be done using pink paper and a quill pen with ‘I LOVE OASIS’ written on it’

’Dear X. Thanks for the guidance you suggest for completing form F. As you know, I’m taking time on a voluntary basis to assist with this investigation, so the completion of Form F is planned for next week at the earliest. For information, I use a ballpoint pen with I LOVE BLUR written on it. Do let me know if you would rather look to someone within your organisation to take this on - it does sound as if you’re frustrated with the level of support I’m able to provide as an external volunteer.’

So as above but you let them know, with no discussion, WHAT you WILL be doing and that no, you don’t jump when they say!

Honestly I think chat GPT is great with things like this. I don’t think it requires a strategically worded message either considering it’s not your own HR department.

My cooperation is a gesture of goodwill and will involve time and effort which I am happy to donate; However, I would respectfully request communication that is in the spirit of my involvement rather than demanding of my presence.

I'm not sure how to explain it, but I will try.
The investigation is being conducted by a third party (so external to the company) to inform a HR process. HR are trying to control what gets sent to the external investigator. They have already fabricated evidence and missed out important evidence. In the email they basically said, we are sending the investigator information you have provided ...I reminded them that I had formally spoken to them yet, and so asked to see whatever they were sending so I can read it and confirm. That was when they got rude. In sum, HR are trying to manipulate the external process, acting as the middleman.

This is hilarious and will almost certainly come in useful when dealing with the cockwombles.

I’d state that: I am happy to assist HR with this matter voluntarily but would like to take this opportunity to remind them that I am not an employee of their company and therefore neither bound by or constrained by their employment practices. On this basis, I would appreciate communications to reflect the nature of our relationship and for their tone to be considered in the light of the fact I am under no obligation to remain involved.

Following your update it looks like you've got yourself into a potentially adversarial position with the company if they are not happy to share information with you and are communicating in this way. I thought you meant you are involved in conducting the investigation. I'd stop communicating with the HR and talk openly and honestly with the investigator, including that you can't verify they've sent your information correctly as they've refused to share what they've provided.

Given that the HR dept is trying to pull a fast one, I would also act to protect your professional reputation in calling them out on the fabrications and omissions.

Something like

"I am aware of communications to date between X and yourselves and I wish to remind you that I am acting in a professional capacity, as an "honest broker" and therefore cannot be party to a process that is not based upon the supply of full, complete and verifiable data and information"

Love this! I vote go with this. That way they can't say "she didn't tell us....". Set your stall out and don't take any shit!

I always find chat gpt helpful for writing difficult emails when I can't find the words

I'd reply to the messages themselves saying that you're happy to help, but expect to be treated with courtesy.

I like this one

Okay, so I've sent an email incorporating some of the suggestions. Thank you everyone! This is going to be a long battle. If anyone has any other tips, approaches or oneliners to shut down HR I would be very grateful! There is a lot at stake and people at risk so I am not going to take any nonsense from them.

You can do a more business like version of the passive aggressive hippy 'thank you for sharing'.

You just need to call them out on it every time. Go to the investigator if needs be to see what has actually been shared esp if you don't trust HR. It sounds like they have something to hide which would make me very suspicious and question everything.

Definitely only communicate with the investigating body where possible.

Only got to watch 10mins of the Post Office Inquiry to see how quickly even those on the periphery end up with egg on their face by being drawn in on what "the company line" is.

Definitely only communicate with the investigating body where possible.

Only got to watch 10mins of the Post Office Inquiry to see how quickly even those on the periphery end up with egg on their face by being drawn in on what "the company line" is.

Go for the nuclear option.

I would have grave concerns regarding the authenticity of statements/evidence provided to an external, impartial investigator if I continue to be prevented from having clear sight of what is apparently being sent in my name. In order to avoid any confusion or suspicion of impropriety and inherent breach of Professional Standards and Statutory requirements, I must therefore restate my position that under no circumstances is any communication in my name to be forwarded to the independent investigator without my prior approval.

Moreover, in view of the tone of the most recent response to my voicing concern about this potential conflict of interest on the part of <company name> having control over all evidence provided to the Independent Investigator (including that of an entirely separate individual who is assisting the investigation purely as a goodwill gesture), I therefore wish to communicate solely with the investigator directly with immediate effect and require their contact details by return <if you don't have them>.

<cc Independent Investigator if you already have their details>

It's a 'fuck you, you're tampering with the evidence, you lying bastards, and I'm going to make sure they know it' email.

I have agreed to collaborate WITH your HR team, I do not work FOR your HR team, please bear that in mind as we go through this process if you expect my continued cooperation.

NeverDropYourMooncup

Nailed it 💯

BOOOM!!

Now that is what I call a HR shutdown!

Just say that what ever they propose you will only do so if it is legal and you are comfortable doing so. You are in no way oblidged to them to carry out any of the tasks requested as you are not bound by their company procedures.

What exactly are they asking you to do?

Is it some sort of sting operation?

I am a third party investigator and am shocked by the fact HR are clearly trying to bias what is meant to be an unbiased process, hence the third party investigator. When you have your meeting, tell the investigator what happened. They would be very interested in that.

Ah the "it's just a standard letter" excuse.

No. If the tone of the letter is belligerent, it needs to change. A sensible, authoritative letter can be written, without being rude.

Could you please do this by [date] because we have a deadline of [date] and need to consider your feedback by then.

You must provide feedback by our deadline of [date].

Big difference.

Also a decent investigator will take documented evidence directly from the source and check things from indirect sources for tampering.