Would you stay with a man who punched a door

[latenitewine]

As title says - would you stay with a man who punched a door and split the wood in anger?

I did stay after he punched a door then spent days with a sore hand looking pathetic.
I stayed when he punched the wall next to my head because I was upset he spent money we could ill afford on going out and showing off to his mates instead of paying the rent.
I stayed as I became a shadow of myself, a maid, a recluse.
I left when he pushed me as I held my baby.

Don’t be me.

Nah, people who can’t control their emotions generally lack the intelligence I seek in a partner.

Nope.

It’s the door today. Could be my face tomorrow.

My other half did this over 15 years ago. Has never ever physically hurt me. So yes go with your gut but I don't think it always follows that someone who punches inanimate objects will move onto you. Sorry you're having a bad time OP

@Desperatetimeshavetoend My DH once broke a chair while we were arguing. He’s usually well controlled and he was embarrassed afterwards.

I broke the back door glass once slamming it so hard once because I was so wound up 🙈 .

I don’t know what his thoughts or intent was… so I’ll not pass judgement on him just as I’ll not pass judgment on you.

You two don’t sound good for each other, no good will come from this. End it.

I have punched doors, walls, and myself.
I guess I should stay single for the good of human kind.
Have had therapy and am medicated. Am all good now.

He has a temper and he always has done but it’s only with me

There you go.
Only with YOU.
It is NOT your fault.
Please save yourself, @latenitewine
Because if you don't......
One day he WILL punch you.
Get out now 💐

NO. Your face will be next.

Do you have kids with him? He’s obviously feeling the stress and burden of supporting you and the household. If you don’t have a job, get one immediately, even if it’s washing dishes until you can find something better. Any job is better than no job, OP.

@thebestinterest no kids.

and my husband would not want me to be washing dishes, he vetoed my idea of getting a Xmas temp job if I still had no work by mid November.

I have a redundancy payout so he’s not had to pay my share of bills or anything yet, and won’t for months.

Are you insinuating his stress at her lack of job makes his violence acceptable? Because I don't remember being an abusive cunt to my DH when he had an injury that shook our lives and he couldn't work.

I also don't remember DH punching walls when I took extra maternity leave for a sick child, and my pay went down to almost zero.

Forgive me if I've read that wrong. I'm just saying, stress at lack of work does not and should not create an abusive monster who goes around punching doors so hard they break.

Controlling, angry and you don't have kids.

Run!

Do you want kids in the future? If so one of the most important things you can do is choose their father carefully. You can't choose someone who can't control their anger.

I came on to say if it was my dh of 20 odd years I wouldn’t leave no as he is generally even tempered and it would be extremely out of character (also I can be a bitch)

However reading what actually happened I think you should leave him - criticising you for using two freezer bags is fucking pathetic and it sounds like he thinks he can control you bc he’s paying the bills and you’re in a more vulnerable position.

He sounds like a horrible, aggressive and petty man-child and I’d totally lose all respect.

Yes, but only because in over forty years of marriage he's only lost his temper once enough to punch a wall.
The events leading up to that saw me throwing a basket of laundry down the stairs then screaming loudly and repeatedly. The following day was when he punched the wall in his own frustrated temper at the situation which was beyond our control.

What the fuck is he getting angry about then? The “I’m so stressed coz you lost your job” is just a pathetic excuse.

Also XenoBitch - I know you’ve had struggles with your MH and you have my sympathy but your comment is irresponsible. Presumably your lashing out was a result of MH struggles that needed medicating and you sought help for that and took accountability - the op’s dh hasn’t and he just blame-shifts onto her.
And I would argue that if you have “anger issues” and smash things up/are violent then no, it isn’t fair to inflict that on another person and you should stay single.

AND please take into account that you are a woman and we are talking about a man here. It would be difficult for a woman to
inflict that much damage to a door with her fist. He’s doing it as a form of control, he’s not ill.

Xeno, I really like you from what I've read on here and your posts are always fantastic, I always totally agree with what you write.

First, I'd say you can't put yourself in this bloke's category. He's an angry man, and it shows if you look at the other things OP wrote. It sounds like you had a right shitter of a time and it's sooo far from this man. So it's doing yourself a disservice to even say that. I hope that doesn't sound shite.

This bloke just sounds angry and manipulative, trying to even say what kind of job she should get. I don't think you should even begin to put yourself in the same box, there's a big world of difference.

My sister has smashed up her own house because of MH problems. So I do get it, she's medicated now too and she had a bad time of it. I'd never say she should stay single, she was just unwell. So anything you're reading here don't put yourself in the same kind of arena.

That probably sounds really patronising and isn't supposed to. I hope you see what I mean.

Stupidly I did. For many years. At first it was just punching the wall or the door. Then it was me during a disagreement. I have had a glass panelled door smashed into me during an argument which shattered as it me. A kitchen cupboard door kicked off it's hinges and smashed into my leg. Pushed out of my own car because he was pissed off with me. Thumped hard in my thigh because he wanted to have sex with me and when I refused, dragged me out of the bed by my hair and dragged me round the flat. Kicked the toilet door down after I'd managed to hide in there and dragged me back into the kitchen and threatened to throw me outside naked. Began sexually assaulting me on a daily basis and eventually went onto raping me. Using violence to get what he wanted. I used to dread Monday nights when he went out to the pub or drank at home because they were the times I knew what was coming afterwards. I should've left years ago, but the constant no one else would ever want you, destroyed me for years and made me think I'd never be good for anyone else.

He didn't just punch a door. He punched it REPEATEDLY, until it broke. That is a lot of rage. This is escalating, and that behaviour is terrifying.

You don't have a job today, so that's not fixed. What's today's behaviour, if he gets upset again?

Abuse starts / escalates when you're at your most vulnerable. Make plans to leave ASAP

He doesn’t “struggle” with anger. He uses anger strategically to get you into line.

I lived with someone angry. Never again.

Everyone is saying no, but it’s easy to say in a hypothetical situation. If they had young kids / joint life, the reality is most wouldn’t leave. You only have to read relationships page to see many staff after an affair, so certainly wouldn’t split for this. I couldn’t say what i’d do as it really would depend on so many things

No

Op. Please listen carefully to the advice you’ve had here and take note of the stories.
Having read your updates it sounds like you’re in an unsafe unhealthy marriage. so many red flags.
Your husband is violent over an incredibly small matter and you somehow think this is your fault.
You’re contributing financially to the household now using your redundancy money and seeking seasonal work so he has no reason to be stressed.
he's controlling and feels he has a right to ‘veto’ what work you choose.
he isn’t shouldering any extra responsibility - this is just a poor excuse.

don’t stay and don’t risk bringing children into this marriage.

use your redundancy money as a ticket to freedom, not to support him.