Would you stay with a man who punched a door

[latenitewine]

As title says - would you stay with a man who punched a door and split the wood in anger?

No. Violence only ever escalates so leave now

@SnowflakeSmasher86 @OhMyGollyGoshGosh

Just intrigued and OP didn’t specify so gathered clarification before giving my opinion

There is a difference between emotions and actions. What he felt is ok, what he did isn't. Adults are responsible for their own actions, no matter what someone else makes him feel he is responsible for how he acts. If he was a half decent person he'd be seeking help to make sure this never happens again, he's not doing that so he sees no problem with violent aggressive behaviour. It's up to you if you want to live like that.

This.

Smashing a door because you're angry about someone's apparent misuse of freezer bags is not a proportionate response.

You need to leave before he smashes you.

It's not your fault, BTW. He's an aggressive bully.

Not in the context you have described no.
It's abuse.
I'd be very frightened.
My DH punched a wall once but it was when he just found out someone close to him had suddenly and unexpectedly died.
I also once threw a glass at a wall but no one was in the house.
I'd never stay with a man who punched a wall in front of me in reaction to something I said. It's a massive overreaction designed to scare you into never talking back or expressing any displeasure with anything he does. No one should have to live under the threat of violence. It honestly doesn't matter if you shouted. Obviously shouting isn't great but that is something that may happen in couples every now and then.. but physical violence even if it's indirect, is a big red line for me.

Sorry but next time it might not be the door. I've only ever known DV perps to smash doors during petty domestic squabbles.
Of course it's not your fault for using the wrong number of freezer bags. He's an arsehole.
Is he going to pay to fix the door?
The next door you should be fixing is the front one, to change the locks.
Seriously this behaviour is totally and utterly unacceptable.

Nope. I can tell you right now- next time he’ll hit you. And he’ll make you think that’s your fault too.

Fuck him off now.

I wouldn’t stay with this man. My ex husband lost his temper and broke a small window. It was my fault apparently because I’d complained about something. Fast forward a while and I started divorce proceedings the day after he punched me in the face. Also my fault apparently for calling him out on a lie.

I think I have been really difficult to live with for the last few weeks. He has been doing a lot and has had a lot on at work.

But it felt so disproportionate to damage our house. It’s helping to see your responses.

No it’s not safe for you to stay with him. Very sorry this has happened. This is not a safe person for you to be in a relationship with. Please make yourself safe.

It doesn't matter what he damaged.

The important point is you're living with a man who can't control his temper.

And that's a very dangerous situation for you and your kids if you have any.

So if you’ve been difficult to live with? Why does that matter??

Listen OP. When I was 6 I watched my stepfather punch a hole in a wall. When I was 8 I watched him punch my mother in the face. When I was 10 I watched him strangle her and bounce her head off every cabinet in the kitchen.

Men who punch holes in houses are not safe men.

I'm so sorry you've been through this. I think your post is absolutely spot on the mark, too.

I've been with one violent man, and watching the mist of rage come down was terrifying. They're not safe people to be around, and it's the impulsive behaviour that's scariest. You don't know where you stand and what's coming next. Like a mad dog.

OP, @Garlicbest has some very wise words here. I'd pay attention to them.

It isn't your fault, and even if you did antagonise him by saying something nasty, it's no excuse to explode in a fit of violent rage like he did. He's not safe to be around, not at all. My DH has been through some serious stress throughout our marriage, and he's never once even inched towards violence. At most he'd go out and walk and walk and walk until he was exhausted. Please don't put up with this.

If you had a close friend or relative who was being difficult for any reason at all and you’d been very busy, would you punch a hole through their door?

Gosh I could have written your update
When I was pregnant my ex started criticizing and blaming me and telling me I wasn't looking after myself and I was too stressed and moody. He also punched a hole in the wall and blamed me (as I'd been crying about how mean he'd been earlier) and made it all about me. He also didn't fix it for months until he'd moved out. He left me just before our baby was born and also blamed that on me. I needed a lot of therapy to realize I'm not too much and I wasn't asking for anything out of the ordinary.
Please read a book called 'why does he do that's by Lundy Bancroft and get some personal therapy.
Just watch how he doesn't bring it up again btw.
He will only get worse and he's revealing himself. Please leave or at least don't get pregnant.

He also presumably doesn't break property at work or at his parents house, just with you. It's domestic abuse.

They all follow such a predictable pattern op. Get out while you can. I have a baby with my one of these and he makes my life hell and I'm so scared of my baby staying overnight with him but I don't have enough proof that he's dangerous.

He's got into your head and is blaming you

With your initial question, it was a no from me. But your update has made it all the more terrifying. He got that angry over absolutely nothing (a fucking freezer bag!?). And then he didn't just angrily punch a door once, but repeatedly until he smashed the door! Get the fuck out of there!

No it doesn't

Whatever the row, violence isn't the answer

red flag one punching the wall
red flag two, your response "I think it was my fault"
You really don't need another red flag.

I can’t explain how much this comment and the one similar saying he doesn’t do this work have blown my mind. I’ve seen him be incredibly angry about his mum or other family, and about work stuff, and he’s never done this to them or at work or in their houses. I really can’t tell you how much I’ve never thought about things this way before. He has a temper and he always has done but it’s only with me. I’ve never thought about it like that before, and I’ve always felt sorry for him because he’s said he knows he struggles with anger.

thank you so much to the people who are sharing their stories, and I’m sorry you have those to share