40 years ago parents didn't stay with unwell babies?

[UndertheCedartree]

Am I right in thinking that 40 years ago if a baby was taken to the big city hospital (from being born at the local town hospital i.e critically ill/likely to die) that the parents and definitely the dad did not go with them?

Forced to bottle feed. I planned to sleep in the chair in scbu if they sent me home. One midwife said I should provide my own food… not sure how as I didn’t have any place to store it and I was told the hospital canteen was too far to walk so soon after surgery
and dh had to look after our toddler so couldn’t come in with 3 meals a day (this was in 2011). Now they let partners stay. Such a difference.

My mum had her reasons. My dad presumably did too, not that I will ever understand.

I would absolutely be with my child, though.

It's not that I take it to mean a lack of love. I was a newborn. All I knew was I'd been abandoned.

My dd was born in 1999, developed jaundice.
I was told to go home, no space for me there.
this was a hospital in Brent, London

I am glad you are getting help as I said I found my experience the other side hard.

It is interesting to hear of your perspective. I have to admit I do worry the impact on my son in years to come and read a lot about how to try negate it.

Not as a newborn, but and I was 8, so about 1984. I had an operation to pin a broken elbow, and was put into an adult ward. The women were very kind to me, especially when I was crying in the night for my Mum. She was only allowed in at visiting time, and I remember pleading with her for me to go home each time. I was in about 3-4 days. Both my siblings would have been at home, so the poor woman must have been back and forward, as she was a SAHM then, with no real help, as we didn’t live near any useful family members.

Im really sorry to hear thus has affected you in this way, OP. I hope some therapy will have helped somewhat.

No one knows how they are going to react until it happens to them.

My son has been in hospital for 8 months. I have another child who also needs me and would feel abandoned if I had ignored him all this time to be with my other son 24/7.

It's easy to view it in black and white when the situation is hypothetical or if we're only talking about a week or two in hospital.

Some children are in and out of hospital for the majority of their lives
Some children are in hospital for months and months

At some point, some normality is needed. Especially with other children to consider and especially if you want to continue to be able to buy food and not become homeless.

I was taken in at 2/3 with a badly torn up mouth and cheek. I’d been pushed by a friend in play down a flight of concrete stairs and was told I was lucky to be alive.

She refused to stay as they didn’t know if I’d be ok but that was mother. So if serious you’d be allowed but minor not this was 1967.

then fast forward a few years with my own son in 1986 I wasn’t allowed to stay at all but visit every day for 2 hours. I was horrified at the nurses leaving babies to cry so after seeing that I refused to leave. Little man was discharged the next day to go to the doctors as he had bad reflux. It sorted it self a few months later but bloody hell it was scary for a first time mother for sure and the guilt I had for months cos I’d left him at night for 2 days.

now you’ve to stay and do all care but back in 1986 -1990 they just left them to howl anyways which is so sad and how the hell they just ignored it I don’t know.

Oh that's really good you have read how to negate it I would think that would have a huge positive impact.

Forty years ago they did. Sixty years ago they had to observe visiting hours.

I am aware I have experienced it myself. My choice is not a criticism of you. You have to do what is right for you.

In 1970, my 18 month old brother was hospitalised after a fever and fits. My parents could visit for a short time only during visiting hours and i could not visit at all. I seem to have a memory of being left in a room on my own (and i was just 4yrs so this could be false memory) and the room had a small window to the ward. My memory is of looking through the window.

I do remember my brother screaming heartily when left at the end of the visit.

When i was 3½, i ate a full bottle of junior aspirin and had to have my stomach suctioned. I do remember that. I also told a lie that my brother had eaten some aspirin too!

We were both in hosp overnight for observation. Our parents weren't there.

There is a photo of us outside the hosp the next day looking very grim!!

Like I said, there's a difference between a few weeks and months and months in hospital. Unless you're willing to lose your job and your house, life has to continue unfortunately.

Not to mention abandon your other child(ren). It's much easier if it's your only child, of course.

Hmmm, I am a bit sceptical about your therapist and their interpretation of events. A lot of therapists wouldn’t suggest this line of thinking. And some people (and some therapists) may believe that your body holds on to emotional trauma but not everybody does so it is not a statement of fact as such, as it is a statement of belief. It’s ok if you believe that - everyone has a right to believe whatever they do - but you need to accept it is a belief and not a fact because it cannot be proven or disproven.

FWIW my interpretation would more likely be that you have always felt rejected/abandoned in some ways, and this may be perceived or it may be due to some specific behaviours from your parents (or a bit of both). You have found out about this event when you were a baby and you feel it fits with the narrative that you feel applies to your life more broadly. Many psychologists would argue that the very early newborn period is not actually a critical period in the development of attachment bonds and that if you were left alone in hospital as a small baby for a few weeks, but then parented in a responsive and warm way afterwards, that it should not have any negative effects on your emotional bond with your parent. I think it’s your adult interpretation of this event that you are finding traumatic rather than the incident being directly traumatic IYSWIM.

wishing you all the best OP

The fact is that historically speaking, parents had no choice on what you did and did not do, the rules were strict and it was the norm. My Mum gave birth to her first child in an NHS hospital in the lates 50's, she made very sure she had home births for the rest.

Just like until the 70-80s it wasn't normal for a man to be at the birth of his child.

Early 60s my gran had two babies both very poorly (not twins). They were so poorly they were whisked away 70 miles to a different hospital each time. She had to stay in a month each time herself. They each passed a week after that so the first time she got to properly see both was when she viewed them at the funeral directors each time. 💔

Mum had stayed with relatives whilst she was in hospital because dickhead wouldn't look after her when there was drinking to be done. He wouldn't give gran enough money to pay the bills week to week as it was, never mind get to see her babies in another city and she'd come out of hospital a month in debt as he wouldn't give her the back pay whilst she'd been in hospital so there was no chance to go see them. She ended up cashing insurance policies each time just to be able to bury her babies 💔

I have Polaroid’s of me and my Dad in 1981 scbu after being born early. Dad was in the services and was called home just in time.
I was very lucky just development issues as a child with parents who fought for us to go to normal school etc.

I recently had my 43rd birthday and dreamt vividly of a December date in another contrast altogether but the date for some reason stood out in the dream which is the date when my folks said I left scbu. I know some babies were not as lucky but me and my later brother also born prem in the early 80’s were to a point.

Same here. Parents were only allowed on the ward during visiting time c1968.

I was in hospital on traction as a toddler in 1967, my parents were only allowed to visit during visiting times, this is most likely why I was very clingy & terrified of being away from them as I grew up. I was there for 6 weeks. I had a hernia op when I was about 3 & had to stay overnight & I can remember the nurse shouting at me because I had wet the bed.

Haven't read entire thread but there's a film called A Touch of Love with Sandy Dennis and Ian McKellen from 1969, based on the book The Millstone by Margaret Drabble, set in contemporary London and she has a baby that needs hospitalisation with life threatening heart issues. There's a scene in the hospital where she has to hand the baby over to a nurse and told to go and she'll hear from the doctor whenever the baby is better.

Obviously it's fiction but I assume there's some truth in it? Anyway, it's pretty distressing.

And I'm sure there's a bit in an Alan Bennett book about his dad being in hospital, I think pre NHS, 1940s, and something about newspapers printing how people are in categories. Basically stay away, stay out of the doctor's way and if it said close family members visiting it meant the patient wasn't long for this world. ☹️

I think hospitals also printed these lists on boards by the hospital for those who couldn't afford newspapers. And very few would have a home phone.

I had my appendix out in 1977 or 78. On the children's ward parents could stay all day but not over night. Then I was moved with another girl to the women's ward as they needed the beds on the children's ward and we were the eldest.

They had set hours and to be honest I much preferred it to a ward with toddlers running around and screaming.

My mum had diphtheria when she was 5, that was 1945 and she was in hospital for 6 weeks and parents could not visit. They were allowed to look through the window to see their child but not to actually visit.

I think that was probably to do more with infection control than anything else.

@tobee that's where the phrases, "critical list" or "off the critical list" come from. It was literally a list in the newspaper.

I was in hospital for a month in 1972, being treated for cancer. Parents did not stay though DM assures me that she visited every day! Daily trips back to the hospital for quite some time afterwards as well. It was about an hour's travel; younger sibling at home stayed with various friends. DM from overseas so also had no family support. I can't imagine how difficult it was.

Had a holiday job on a specialist children's burns ward in about 1987; possibly the parents of the babies stayed but certainly not any older children. The kids were in for a while, too - not just quick overnight stays.

I had the same in the early 80s, aged just turned 2. Mum stayed with me throughout, leaving my 3-month old sister at home.

ENT ops at 6-7 were visiting hours only. I liked the playroom but remember panicking when a nurse served me buttered toast and milky cereal as I was on an elimination diet for a suspected milk allergy. Nurse saw my distressed face and assumed I was worried about not getting any food. Can’t remember if I ate the breakfast.

I remember my mum telling me about her having an operation on her back in the late forties I think. She was 2 weeks in hospital which was 20 miles away. She got there by bus. The only visitor was her mum who was taken there by her minister so only one visit. She went home by bus after being discharged. She also would have had to change buses halfway home. My Granny had 6 kids and my mum was the eldest. There would have been 2 under fives at this time.
When I was in hospital for 12 days in the early nineties she visited me most afternoons which was much appreciated.

Was a student nurse late 70s/ early 80s.

Parents could stay all day and night on the paediatric wards - there were camp beds for them to use. Mostly Mums stayed, not dads - not sure the work culture was supportive of dads taking the time off. They were fed as well, on the wards or in the staff canteen.

I was on duty on Christmas day and we even had extended families for Christmas lunch