To think monogamy is outdated?

[UniqueOrca]

In today’s world where we value personal freedom and independence, AIBU to think monogamy is an old-fashioned concept? Is it really realistic to expect one person to fulfil all your needs for life?

YANBU, if you are actually interested in other people (men) after being in a long term relationship/marriage. (Example).
But I get where you're coming from, one person for life is boring.

You can be a serial monogamist though.

I think that’s right. Monogamy is not normal or natural biologically or emotionally.

It makes a lot of sense economically and in the raising of children so we are told it’s the only way.

Short term it can work for a season: in the first flush of new love and whole raising small children. But I don’t think 60 years of sleeping with the same person comes naturally to anyone.

I think marriage would make a lot more sense if we acknowledged that it usually outlives it purpose and removed the guilt and the morality.

I don't think monogamy is the problem- though maybe for some people. It's the loss of community, that's why we're relying on one person for so much.

No one else will ever fulfil all of our needs, we need to do that for ourselves. I think monogamy works for lots of people across the world, it seems that most people in a loving relationship want to keep it exclusive, but whether they can keep faithful forever comes down to the individual.

In today’s world where we value personal freedom and independence

Everyone values these to a greater/smaller extent though, some people might value a strong sense of community more than independence/personal freedom?

Also people place different amounts of importance on romantic love as opposed to familial love.

Finally, as an introvert I am all peopled put with just the one husband 😄 Serial dating sounds exhausting!

*peopled out

I’ve always thought so and I’m nearing 60 and never married been with partner 25 years and will probably legally marry purely for the pensions and finances etc

It's not outdated
If it's not for you don't do it.
The alternative wouldn't be for me
So i don't do it

I absolutely agree. The only person to fulfil all your needs is yourself.
It's great to have a lifetime partner who lifts you up. We say we are stronger/better together than alone... 30 years so far.
But we also have our own lives as well as our partnership.

It depends on the individual. You could get married for the legal protection while practising an open marriage. You don't have to get married and could have open relationships. Do what works for you.

Depends on how you define monogamy.
As to the alternatives, I can only go by my own observation of the polycules I’ve encountered irl. Despite their claims to some sort of progressive enlightenment, every single one has had some horrible irresponsible man at it’s centre that everyone else orbits around like some dreadful horny sun, and has left a trail of pain and unhappiness in its wake.

I like being in a monogamous relationship, but I would never expect anyone to fulfill all my needs. That to me is a concept I can't grasp as an adult, maybe it's something I tend to think that children or adolescents want.

Mmm, maybe or maybe not. People
tend to decide for themselves don’t they?

No because that’s not what monogamy means!

no single person should be expected to fulfil another humans needs completely,
a persons world has other family or friends or children or jobs and hobbies or other interactions and interests or a myriad of other things that fill different needs and create a bigger picture than one single relationship. Even if a person doesn’t have some or all of that it’s not fair to expect everything you could ever possibly need forever from one other person.

thats not to say the person you choose as your life partner shouldn’t be a big part too but they are not the only factor.

as a separate note though monogamy quite often means sex but thats doesn’t change my answer because that is one need amongst lots and unless both people decide to open the relationship then no you shouldn’t be looking elsewhere for that one need to be filled. If it is an issue then it’s one that needs worked on or a decision needs to be made on if the relationship should continue if a compromise that both can be ok with can’t be reached.

I was listening to a podcast interview with the guy who coined the term “luxury beliefs”. He pointed out that you often found progressives championing stuff that they wouldn’t do in their own families. He actually cited marriage and monogamy as one of those things (he was talking about the much more privileged kids he went to uni with at harvard).

They generally grew up in stable families with 2 parents and this model clearly worked as this was the majority of these people. They would declare that monogamy is old fashioned etc but if you aksed them how they actually planned to live their own lives they basically wanted to live as their parents did, in a marriage, two parents, stable.

Society works off stable networks imo. That doesn’t mean they are eternal of course. I think also no one person can fulfil all your needs, thats a highly romanticised idea about partners and secondly it depends on how you see that partnership. My marriage was very much about me and my husband and then we had a child and our focus shifted from each other to our baby and along the way we were building a new life that we shared, a long term project we both signed up to. It’s not just about romantic love (still there) but it’s about building a future together. Some of us grew up in chaotic ever shifting uncertain environments and really value stability.

Of course if you don’t have children for whatever reason you may keep your focus on your partner but the project may very well still be the same.

I think it very much depends on the quality of the relationship (s). In a good long term monogamous relationship there can be enormous growth and for some, myself in mixed, having a solid relationship provides me with a feeling of safely and a launching pad to explore other areas of life.

I think with non monogamy there is a risk of just replaying the honeymoon phase of a relationship and relationships being all consuming and dominating your time.

Also valuing personal freedom and independence for me doesn’t mean I particularly want to have sex with anyone else. I value my marriage (with my personal freedom etc) and the emotional intimacy of having someone who knows me in a way no-one else does. That takes years to obtain.

As per my recollection, the research does indeed appear to show that the higher the IQ, the less likely to be unfaithful within the context of a committed relationship.

@User37482 these are good points. Stability is hugely important for raising a family and you are right that parents who downplay it’s importance are glossing over this (and being selfish).

I still think for a lot of people this is something they do out of love for their children and a sense of responsibility (plus also financial incentive and inertia) as opposed to because if any instinctive need. Monogamy is definitely for the greater good of most families but it goes against the grain for a lot of people.

I agree monogamy is hard. I would find other alternatives harder. I would never want to endure other people's children in a blended family, for instance, and I wouldn't expect them to endure mine.

I think that’s right. Monogamy is not normal or natural biologically or emotionally.
There are plenty of species throughout the various phyla which bond for life, wolves, foxes, gibbons, many birds, loads more. Clearly in some situations (like when parents have to put a lot of effort into child rearing) there is an evolutionary advantage to it or pair bonding wouldn't have evolved.
Also, before reliable contraception and effective antibiotics/antivirals promiscuity could carried a heavy biological burden. Untreatable SDDs aren't fun.

Yes and no. I think most of us look at others and think " yum" but hate it when our dp does the same. It's a territorial thing.

Is it really realistic to expect one person to fulfil all your needs for life?

Yes.
And that person is yourself.
If you're always looking for external people to fulfil what you believe you're lacking, you'll be miserable in 1 relationship or 500.

I don't want to have sex with anyone other than my husband and I have friends and family members I share my life with. My husband is my best mate and the first person I would go to but I don't only have him in my life. Monogamy doesn't mean that you live in a bubble and cut yourself off from society.