To think monogamy is outdated?

[UniqueOrca]

In today’s world where we value personal freedom and independence, AIBU to think monogamy is an old-fashioned concept? Is it really realistic to expect one person to fulfil all your needs for life?

My FIL and MIL had been together since 15 and 17 and had a very strong marriage. The happiest couple I know met at uni and are now in their 50s.

Its funny, most people see having life long friendships as a positive, and that its great to have someone who has such a deep understanding of you and you of them.

Yet there are those who try to frame this as a negative in marriages. Why? Sure married couples can drift apart as they change in life, just like friends can, but for those who stay and grow closer with age its absolutely brilliant. A real winning the lottery of life situation.

Nobody is forced to be monogamous. If you think it's not for you, you need to make it clear to any partners that you have.

I have absolutely no desire to meet ALL of my husbands needs. That’s what he has friends for. Equally I have friends and hobbies that meet some of my needs.

Do we require each other to be sexually monogamous? Absolutely yes. Call me immature, unevolved or whatever but I am not made to share my life partner sexually and neither is my husband. If other people want to open up their relationship, that’s up to them.

That makes no sense

Of course it is bad if only one person knows they are seeing someone else and their partner knows nothing of it, and the unknowing partner would not be happy with that situation (which is fine)

if both parties are aware and happy then it's not cheating.

"one person to fulfil all your needs for life"

Eh? We've never expected that. You know that people have and always have had friends, right?

Interestingly, I’ve become open to non-monogamy in my current relationship because it’s the healthiest and most secure one I’ve been in in my life. You need that foundation to do non-monogamy ethically and positively. Jealousy was strongest for me in unhealthy and insecure relationships, so I’m not sure of the evolutionary argument that it’s necessary. I think as humans we can decide what instincts we want to follow and which ones to question and resist. I would be perfectly happy to be monogamous with my partner but it’s also nice to have the option to indulge in that exciting early dating phase if I or they meet someone we fancy.

That said, I agree with other posters that you’re conflating several things - monogamy
doesn’t mean expecting one person to meet all your needs or being with them for life. One could have several monogamous relationships over their lifetime and still maintain independence - you don’t even need to live together to be monogamous!

I think it’s always worth questioning social norms, but I don’t think monogamy itself is inherently outdated - it shouldn’t be held up as the only proper way to do relationships though. It’s a choice among several, no more or less valid than polyamory or celibacy.

I’m not sure monogamy is of a particular time. I think different types of relationships work for different people. Monogamy is a preference. Monogamy may be an absolutely essential boundary for some people but not for others (it’s not for me). I think it’s great that we live in a society where we can have any relationship set up that suits us.

I also don’t think that peoples preferences regarding monogamy can (or should) be changed. It’s a preference that seems pretty fundamental.

its works for some and not for others, many feel this is what they want and later change their mind

i do not think people have changed in regards to this its always been this way just its easier now to connect with others who are feeling the same way

Why would it be outdated?

.....and that's why they make vanilla and chocolate.

Nobody is stopping you OP if you want to have a lot of partners or be in open relationships have at it.

I'm married and happily monogamous my DH fulfills my intimate relationship needs and we are very much in love. Neither of us is jealous or possesive people. I regard myself as a self sufficient person who doesn't need all my needs fulfilled by another person. I enjoy solitary time as well as time with friends.

I've seen some attempts by people at non monogamy and I've never seen it work out for them but I'm aware it may work for some people. Personally I am not interested in it but have no issue with what others choose to do.

Monogamy does not equal 'all your needs' and never ever has, If I have toothache I go to the dentist for a root canal not my DH etc...

Monogamy means not romantically or sexually spreading yourself around.

Surely monogamy means just one person at a time? Not one person for life?

Anyway, I think monogamy as in one mate at a time is the way to go but I'd also agree with the poster who says expecting another person to be your only fulfillment is ridiculous.

But if you're taking monogamy as one person in your life, then I agree.

I heartily agree.

Society is largely comprised of over-rigid applications of incredibly natural instincts. We ignore our natural instincts at our peril - and we can only nudge them if we understand them.

Take racism as a different example. Racism at a biological level comes from a natural fear of the outsider, because an outsider might be a threat. Same deal when it comes to class, nationality, religion etc. It's not a correct or useful impulse in our current society. Doesn't mean that it doesn't exist.

Back on topic, humans naturally pair bond, and they naturally feel sexual jealousy etc, and our babies require a familial social group to be raised to semi independence. Just because we've added in marriage and religion and think ourselves oh so modern doesn't mean that those impulses don't exist.

No one is saying you have to be monogamous. I find monogamy natural so it's easy. If you don't find that then don't do it, but it doesn't mean monogamy is outdated just because you don't want it.

Hit and run by the OP? Has she nothing to contribute to her own thread?

First of all I read it is Mahogany- which is outdated. Oak is so much nicer.

I don't think monogamy is outdated. I think people have weak and selfish characters.

He doesn't fulfil all of my needs.

He fulfils all of my sexual needs, which are pretty basic.

Yep monogamy completely outdated for me. Personally, celibacy is the way forward.

Everybody is entitled to live their lives in the way they chose.
I believe in monogamy as a relationship model and I feel it's the most stable way to bring up children. And emotionally I couldn't handle any other type of relationship.
But other people are perfectly entitled not to have monogamous relationships so long as they are open and honest about their intentions not to be monogamous.
The problem is when people enter into relationships - and take vows if they marry -where their partner believes they have a monogamous relationship but in fact one of the couple has other sexual or emotional partners outside the relationship.
So no I don't think monogamy is outmoded. But it's not the only option.

I misread your post. I thought it said that mahogany is outdated 😂

YABU. As many others said, being monogamous doesn't mean expecting one person to fulfil all of one's needs. That entirely erases that relationships other than romantic and sexual ones exist and meet our needs and our ability to meet our own needs.

That could be called Romanticism, a philosophy and movement that includes many ideals around emotions and some from that movement included the ideal that romantic love was the ultimate form, which has shaped modern cultures arguable in a harmful manner - including the discussions around polyamory - though that too would erase many aspects of Romanticism. Maybe a mix of Freud and his whole 'sex as the ultimate drive' nonsense has gotten in there too.

While technically polyamorous in having the capacity to and previously enjoyed having multiple romantic relationships, I merrily live as monogamous in a relationship where we have technically been 'open' throughout and we've been in polyamorous spaces, but neither have had much interest in pursuing other relationships since we moved in together over two decades ago. While obviously not all polyamorous people are like this, lot of polyamory spaces are stuck on ideas of monogamy that have never been how most experience having one partner and act like they're being so free, independent, and breaking so many social norms, while falling into centuries old cultural ideals and the social norms that value romantic and sexual partners above all other emotional bonds. It's really not that radical or modern and having multiple romantic relationships only means you have multiple romantic relationships - it does not mean you are more free, more independent, or anything else about you or your relationships.

There's good reason why monogamy has been promoted as the healthy choice for hundreds of years.

It prevents accidental incest, genetic bottlenecks and inbreeding.

No ones forcing anyone to be monogamous.

If you want to be single and sleep around your whole life, go for it. If you want to be polyamorous or in an open relationship, go for it. If you prefer shorter relationships, go for it.

As long as the people you are in a relationship are aware and happy with the type of relationship then it's up you to determine whether you are monogamous or not.

I often find "monogamy is outdated" is just an excuse to cheat.

Having said the above the polyamourous/open relationships I've known look exhausting and generally end up in just as much heartbreak as monogamy, if not more