To think monogamy is outdated?

[UniqueOrca]

In today’s world where we value personal freedom and independence, AIBU to think monogamy is an old-fashioned concept? Is it really realistic to expect one person to fulfil all your needs for life?

I never would have agreed with this before this year (dh blindsided me and told me he’s not sure of us anymore). We’ve both been doing soul searching and my god we both aged so differently (he became responsible, I became more ‘what will be will be). I don’t know if we’ll make it but I do look at eg mum and dad who remained the team me and dh were, so happy together until the end and I suppose this is a ‘it depends on the people’. It’s a lovely idea, and I know a lot who’ve weathered storms and are in love after thirty plus years together

I think there is enormous benefit to bringing children up in a nuclear family, particularly boys.

" Brain activity. A study found that monogamous males have more active genes involved in neural development, cell signalling, learning, memory, and cognitive function than more promiscuous males. "

Just saying

Monogamy isn't a concept it is an evolutionary survival tactic that humans, unusual for mammalian species, use.

It is perfectly natural for us to be monogamous in evolutionary terms. This tactic helped humans to form larger groups to hunt, farm, and grow larger brains. There are various theories as to why we developed that way but I suspect the larger our brains got the more developmentally early our children needed to be born and vastly more care for longer periods of times are required for raising children than most other mammals.

It's personal and social interpretations of monogamy in a conceptal form that is at fault.

Why would being monogamous mean that one person has to 'fulfill your life's needs'? I do t expect anyone to fulfill all my needs...I am quite capable of fulfilling my own needs!

I am also monogamous...in that I don't cheat on a current partner. I'm also not married (and will not be ever again!) Being monogamous doesn't have to mean that you have only 'the one' person for the rest of your life 🤷‍♀️

Maybe you mean 'getting married and staying monogamous forevermore' is outdated? This, I could agree with 👌🏻

No one fills all your needs for life, you grow up and fill your own needs as does the partner you have chosen for life. Monogamy isn't outdated, expecting someone to cater and care for all your needs is.

Historically, monogamy has only really been 'promoted' for women.

It's always been at least tacitly accepted that men, rich men at any rate, should not be expected to restrict themselves to just one woman. The same leniency, of course, is not extended to their wives.

Unsurprisingly OP has no views of her own.

I don't think the issue is whether monogamy is good or bad. It's the pretence of monogamy by people who are sleeping around behind their partners' backs.

I agree that one person can't and shouldn't be expected to meet all your needs. I don't think non-monogamy is always the solution though, although it definitely is for some people.

The reason monogamy works for me is that by having one relationship that is based on mutual trust and exclusivity I feel safer to share my deeper and more vulnerable feelings, because of that commitment we have made to each other.

If that's not something you need to do, or you are able to share those feelings to people more easily, then that's great for you. Monogamy works for me.

Surely monogamy means just one person at a time? Not one person for life?

That would be serial monogamy.
Not the same thing.

100% agree. In a society with increased reproductive rights, sexual health awareness and the independence & education of women, hopefully monogamy will go the way of the dodo and the institution of marriage will be reformed. We're already seeing more women choosing to be childfree and reduced marriage rates.

Some things are easier to build with stability. Knowing you should be able to rely on one person and form a unit works well for many.

Monogamy is not the expectation that one person will fulfill all your needs for life.

Expecting one person to fulfil ALL of your needs in life?

That's not a husband or wife; that's a Smithers!

Without monogamy children will never be sure who their fathers are, or fathers sure who their children are.

Ancestry becomes a mess.

Responsibility and accountability for children goes out of the window.

I think you are straw manning a bit OP. What do you term “monogamous”, and which bit is old fashioned.

In my opinion the majority of non-monogamous people are just cheats. The numbers who are non-monogamous and transparent with all partners about the reality of the status of the relationship is small. When there are child rearing duties to be carried out, it is even fewer.

I also think most people when faced with the reality of running a string of horses find they don’t really have the stomach for it.

I think I am intrinsically monogamous. DH and I have been together since we were teenagers, our kids are adults now and neither of us has ever had the slightest flicker of "what if" or regret. We are both very happy with our future of going for long walks, cooking and doing jigsaws together 😂 despite various people insisting that we are co-dependent, boring, weird, nauseating, to name but a few. I don't judge others (my best mate is in a queer polycule) and I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks of me.

Monogamy works brilliantly for those who are inclined that way. It shouldn't be forced on anyone who isn't.

Why you hope it will go away?

Surely, monogamy is a chose and there's nothing wrong with people chosing it is it works for them.

I totally believe in monogamy but it doesn't mean that I, in any way, have chosen one person to fulfil all my needs.

Slow day at the Daily Mail Features desk today, OP?

It's worked for most societies for hundreds of thousands of years, so I don't see why you think it doesn't any more. The main thing is for dch to feel secure and be well cared for, which doesn't necessarily mean their parents have to be faithful to each other - other systems are available. But monogamy is the main one.
But you're making a mistake if you expect your partner to fulfil your every need and be everything to you - that's why we have friends and wider family. I do stuff without DH (and vv) but we are together because we want to be.

Yes I think it is unrealistic but isn't that why we have friends?

Absolutely. I’ve always been happy to be in a sexually monogamous relationship but both having our own lives as well as doing things together.

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