Caring for parent and holidays

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NC for this thread.

We have a rota to care for our elderly parent since our other parent passed away this year.

6 Children
18 Grandchildren
So potentially around 24 people could be on this rota give or take instead of 6.

One of my siblings refused to allow any of the grandchildren, despite them being adults and able to make their own decisions on whether to take part, to be included in the rota.

They have no, in my opinion, sensible reason for such a strong view. Knowing them, I think it is more a case of them being able to control the situation with fewer people and they know we will mostly be compliant.

This means there were 6 of us, taking it in turns to go every day and visit. Really for company and to do any light cleaning, washing, cooking, shopping, whatever was needed really, he can't be on his own really, but is against carers at the moment, is also grief stricken and lonely so daily visits is absolutely necessary.

Fast forward to now, 2 siblings have bailed on the rota so there are 4 of us. We are very flexible with each other and swap around between us if we need to due to other committments. Some of us live 15 minutes away and some live an hour away.

My issue is that my sibling has today announced a 12 week holiday from the 1st December. It seems that I have only been made aware of this today, because I contacted each of my siblings to check availability for the December rota.

This now means from December for 3 months the rota will be split between the 3 of us.

I personally find the rota hard work and although I enjoy spending time with my parent, it is difficult to fit in sometimes when things to crop up last minute.

Anyway, AIBU to wait until my sibling goes on holiday and then during these 12 weeks, add on all the grandchildren to the rota that would like to be and continue this moving forward, even when they are back, despite knowing that they are completely against it?

Seek a cleaner/ carer locally via recommendations/ fb etc. totally different to rehab nhs carers.
Be visitors, not carers.

Some have offered but my sibling has said absolutely no way are they joining the rota and we aren’t asking them all if they would or would not. Hence, why we are now in a tricky situation with her holiday.

He cannot use certain appliances because he cannot read or write and has poor fine motor skills. He does though have full mental capacity.

He can make hot drinks and operate the shower and dress and undress.

As I have said a few times on MN before: hell would freeze over before my husband and I let our children care or clean for us . We have already had that discussion with them. If we need care our children said they will organise it but no more. As for letting the grandchildren well it is unthinkable.

Self refer to social services and ask your social worker to come and do a care assessment. We did this for mum and it was the best thing ever.

Carers come 4 times per day and they make sure he has a meal and takes meds. They are
Lovely ladies and while she was v v v resistant in the first instance, she realised how much she needed them.

That’s why you need to push for proper assessment, OT should be able to help with appliances that he can use. Then a care package can be put in place while maintaining his independence as much as possible.

Does he need care in the usual sense or is it cooking and cleaning and company?

Because it sounds more like he needs a chatty cleaner/housekeep who cooks.

the sibling who said no to grandchildren being on the rota then going away for 12 weeks, still insisting on 3 of you doing daily visits to your dad is being unfair.

do think you need to start with getting all 6 siblings together - either face to face or via messages and spell out this is impossible for the 12 weeks. So the other two step up for just the period one sibling is away, or you look at additional help - either free from the adult grandchildren (stressing they are only to do it if they are happy to, and try to spread it out so they are only doing one or two days each over the 12 weeks) or paid for help.

the other option could be one of the siblings take your dad in for a few weeks.

It’s mainly company with some cooking and light cleaning if needed and just checking everything is ok as he can’t use a phone.

So easy to get someone in.

you need to start by contacted all siblings and saying no- your sister going away for 12 weeks doesn’t work with the level of time needed for your dad. So something changes or she cancels her holiday.

all 6 of you find a solution- but the solution is not the last 3 of you do it all.

If he can't read/write and has fine motor skill issues, could he use this phone?
https://amzn.eu/d/epuVskk

Or Alexa ?

Your dad is quite happy for you all to do this?! Really?
Is it to do with not spending money??
I hope I never expect this of my adult DC and GC in the prime of their lives with jobs and families and opportunities of their own.

Thank you for this, we have explored it, but he can’t see the pictures or the buttons clearly enough and can’t speak on the phone.

I don’t think he has really thought about it like that.

We, his children are 55 - 70.

This level of rota simply isn't sustainable in the long term, no matter how many people you add to it.

Personally I think sibling was right to ban DGC from being part of it - if DGC are visiting their DGF it should be because they want to and when they want to, not become an ongoing obligation.

And if you can't take a 12 week holiday in late middle age - presumably retired - well, when can one do it ?

Your DF may not like or want external care, but this situation can't continue as it is.

So if the grandchildren get involved now and spend the next 5 years caring for Grandad they could they easily find themselves bouncing straight into 20 years of looking after a parent.

being a carer is tough. Don’t make them sign up for that. Let them be grandchildren and let professionals help your father

The rota isn’t a long term solution, at this rate it could end up just you on it.

I wouldn’t put pressure on the two siblings that have dropped out, they are looking after their own wellbeing.

The rota will take over your life, outside help is needed.

What about setting him up with alexa, then he could just say 'alexa call noaccess' or whomever? No need to dial himself, alexa could do it for him. Other things too - 'alexa turn up the heating' etc.

Gosh Op, the more you tell us, the clearer it becomes that some professional help is needed.
Totally understand why you are so concerned about him - poor eyesight, lack of phone - please have an OT assessment and take it from there.
it sounds very hard for all.

Surely over Christmas most of them are going to want to visit their grandfather.
I also gather from your post that he needs assistance around the house rather than personal care.
Surely you message the whole family, explain it would be helpful if they could let you know when they will be visiting their grandfather, that, as well as it being a social visit, they might have to take a few groceries and do the dishes. Then, when you've got their slots, those of you on the core rota divide up the other days and accept that you'll be putting the washing on and doing more of the heavier household duties.
And if the current system isn't working for you, it's time to start bringing in paid care

@rookiemere - while I agree with the sentiment about taking a 12 week holiday in your retirement, you can’t then insist on while you are away, your parent is cared for by your siblings in the way you want.

OP - is it really sustainable for your dad to be living alone?

No you can never expect anyone else to help but maybe the sibling doesn’t expect their ‘day’ to be covered. The more OP mentions what her father can’t do the more it is clear he needs full time care. It is looking like a home would be the best bet.

If he did not get a visit every day would he generally be OK? I know you mentioned checking he had eaten and concern as he is unable to contact anyone but it does sound like his actual care needs are minimal. It is however worth asking for a care needs assessment including help with communication aids specifically with an OT. If you split up the visits into social/company every day and practical help like shopping, cooking, cleaning 3 times a week you could ask the wider family if they wanted to be on the pop in and chat rota (perhaps try this for the weeks around Christmas) , arrange for once a week paid help with household tasks and then each willing sibling goes about once a week.
Sheltered or assisted living accommodation would be worth looking into as usually comes with a daily check and social options for company.

That's you, and it's good you've made your expectations clear but other families are different. In my extended family, children and grandchildren usually care for older family members unless the care needs exceed their/our abilities. It's how we were raised.

I would never judge anyone whose families aren't involved in a caring capacity and I don't understand the posters who are so adamantly against the grandchildren being involved in the OP's case.

Tink3rbell30 · Yesterday 17:07
What's the excuses for 2 of them not caring anymore? How selfish.
Or maybe sensible and not selfish, I pretty much had a nervous breakdown caring for my DM, so much so I couldn’t care for my own family. You only have to read the early parent’s board to see lots of posters saying the same thing. It’s not selfish to put boundaries in place.

YABVU - No one should have to take a turn at caring for someone. You choose to take on that responsibility and should not guilt anyone else. 24 people involved that is madness. If you choose to sacrifice your time that's your decision. Your relationship changes from one of child or grandchild to carer and caring for an elderly person is completely different to caring for a child. Get attendance allowance and pay for company/care a couple of times a week.