Caring for parent and holidays

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NC for this thread.

We have a rota to care for our elderly parent since our other parent passed away this year.

6 Children
18 Grandchildren
So potentially around 24 people could be on this rota give or take instead of 6.

One of my siblings refused to allow any of the grandchildren, despite them being adults and able to make their own decisions on whether to take part, to be included in the rota.

They have no, in my opinion, sensible reason for such a strong view. Knowing them, I think it is more a case of them being able to control the situation with fewer people and they know we will mostly be compliant.

This means there were 6 of us, taking it in turns to go every day and visit. Really for company and to do any light cleaning, washing, cooking, shopping, whatever was needed really, he can't be on his own really, but is against carers at the moment, is also grief stricken and lonely so daily visits is absolutely necessary.

Fast forward to now, 2 siblings have bailed on the rota so there are 4 of us. We are very flexible with each other and swap around between us if we need to due to other committments. Some of us live 15 minutes away and some live an hour away.

My issue is that my sibling has today announced a 12 week holiday from the 1st December. It seems that I have only been made aware of this today, because I contacted each of my siblings to check availability for the December rota.

This now means from December for 3 months the rota will be split between the 3 of us.

I personally find the rota hard work and although I enjoy spending time with my parent, it is difficult to fit in sometimes when things to crop up last minute.

Anyway, AIBU to wait until my sibling goes on holiday and then during these 12 weeks, add on all the grandchildren to the rota that would like to be and continue this moving forward, even when they are back, despite knowing that they are completely against it?

I would not be rostered to help. If a parent needs help then you should get in outside help. Your sibling can step away if they want.
I would find it very odd asking the grandchildren to help. It is not their problem they may agree because they feel guilty.
At 22 to 45 you will have too many other things going on in your life.

He is unable to use a phone so if he had a problem he couldn’t call us. He has alarms and buzzers but no phone unfortunately.

I think you’re all mad for not getting him a carer in these circumstances. You need to get him proper care, he might not want it but he needs it and it’s best for him.

It would only mean the rota person could not go if the GC were going to be providing the same care. Having been a GC in this situation, visiting when convenient to spend some time with a loved one turns into something different when it also takes the form of a care visit.

When you say it would be helpful all round, what you actually mean is it would be helpful for you as an adult on the rota. That's not at all the same thing.

You should get this post moved to elderly parents. You will get advice on how to proceed there.

Why have two siblings been allowed to bail and not the others?

Because we can’t force them. If they don’t want to, they don’t want to. The rest of us can’t do or say anything about that really.

One bailed at the start, the other a couple of weeks ago.

YABU.

I would see this as an opportunity to change the status quo by bringing in professional help, maybe four times a week.

What dad wants and what dad needs are very different.

Disregarding the rota for the moment, has he had a care needs assessment made by adult social care?

Does he need prompting to take meds?

How many times a day does someone pop in? Once, twice, five times?

Does he go out unaccompanied?

It would be helpful to people on the rota. Not just myself.

Not sure I agree with all the people saying leave grandkids out of it.

Ima grandkid and was fully involved with my grandparents care right up until they passed. That said, we're a close-knit family and wanted to avoid carers for as long as possible.

If the grandchildren are adults and WANT to be on the rota, I say go for it and ignore the one sibling saying no.

So is he mobile and able enough to do his own personal care?

Only do what you are comfortable with.

And that applies to your siblings as well!

But not, crucially, the grandchildren. They apparently didn't count in the 'all round'.

Yes bring all of the grandchildren in to help.

I think in this case - your sibling taking 12 weeks out of their responsibility that they insisted be this way - you put it back on them.

"Always happy to help out when people are stuck on a particular day or need a swap, but afraid I can't make it work for three months. Have you got thoughts on how you'll cover your slots on the rota?"

I think that this is the ideal time to quietly add in a carer. It can be explained as temporary, to cover that sibling's slot while they're away. Because it will only be twice a week, it's quite a gentle way for your father to adjust to someone unrelated visiting and helping out.

My MILs grandkids would absolutely have wanted to step up had they been local. They loved her dearly. But I think you taking advantage of your sibling's absence to ask their offspring, will come across to the sibling as very deceitful. Which tbh, it would be.

I find these 'grandchildren should be kept out of it, it's not their responsibility' posts surprising. Its actually no one's reaponsibility - but some people like to help to look after their family, because they love them. The grandchildren are adults and we are not talking high care needs- just a bit of food and company at the moment. I think it's fine to ask them to contribute as long as ita optional (not guiltiling or manipulating them into it). I would happily have done this for my grandparents, because I liked spending time with them

I think that this is the ideal time to quietly add in a carer. It can be explained as temporary, to cover that sibling's slot. Because it will only be twice a week, it's quite a gentle way for your father to adjust to someone unrelated visiting and helping out.

Agree. This could be a useful push to implement something 'temporarily'. And it would be more sustainable.

Do you have a family group chat for the 6 children? If possible I’d send a message to all the other 5 (including the two who bailed) saying something like:

“when I was only looking at visiting dad every 6th day it was possible, even when it dropped to 4 of us sharing the visits it worked, but as xxx is going away for 12 weeks, it’s not really reasonable for 3 of us to be expected to be there every day, particularly as this is over the Christmas period when we are all busy.

the options I can see are (siblings who bailed) rejoin the rota just while xxx is away and split their 4th of visits between them, or we ask the 12 adult grandchildren if any could do a day here or there to take the burden off me and y & z, or we start to discuss paid for care because we’ve reached the point it’s beyond what’s possible to split between dad’s children.

can we get together before xxx goes away and work out what’s going to happen for those 3 months because just expecting me, y and z to give up so much of our time is not fair.”

your sibling who is going away can’t just decide to remove themselves from your dads care for a quarter of the year but still think they can dictate how it done.

Does your parent claim attendance allowance ?
It is not means tested
Your parent can spend it on anything to help them make their life better
Eg
Weekly cleaner
Food delivered
Takeaway
Medical equipment
Holiday
Carer
Dog walker
Taxis

Oh and I agree if you get the siblings on board with a “temporary carer” while one is away, sell that to your dad so he gets used to the carer and your family all get used to the carer and then you can’t possibly fire such a treasure when your sibling is back.

wow this is messed up. Time to arrange for some outside help.

Edit to add: I can understand how difficult this is for you and your family. But this isn’t the way to sort out care

The grandkids are all adults, OP has said that they are aged between 22-45. They are old enough to be asked if they would like to be involved in the care of their grandparents.

It sounds like this is doing bits of shopping, a quick tidy etc rather than bed baths or any sort of personal care.

OP apps like family wall are really good, it's a shared calendar and you can add on medication details, notes from appointments, shopping lists etc.

I don’t understand what this means?

Why wouldn’t you see your niece if she said no? ☹️

Because we don’t see each other now.

Unless we bump into each other.

We don’t have family gatherings or parties etc

You have misinterpreted my post or it was badly worded.