Caring for parent and holidays

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We have a rota to care for our elderly parent since our other parent passed away this year.

6 Children
18 Grandchildren
So potentially around 24 people could be on this rota give or take instead of 6.

One of my siblings refused to allow any of the grandchildren, despite them being adults and able to make their own decisions on whether to take part, to be included in the rota.

They have no, in my opinion, sensible reason for such a strong view. Knowing them, I think it is more a case of them being able to control the situation with fewer people and they know we will mostly be compliant.

This means there were 6 of us, taking it in turns to go every day and visit. Really for company and to do any light cleaning, washing, cooking, shopping, whatever was needed really, he can't be on his own really, but is against carers at the moment, is also grief stricken and lonely so daily visits is absolutely necessary.

Fast forward to now, 2 siblings have bailed on the rota so there are 4 of us. We are very flexible with each other and swap around between us if we need to due to other committments. Some of us live 15 minutes away and some live an hour away.

My issue is that my sibling has today announced a 12 week holiday from the 1st December. It seems that I have only been made aware of this today, because I contacted each of my siblings to check availability for the December rota.

This now means from December for 3 months the rota will be split between the 3 of us.

I personally find the rota hard work and although I enjoy spending time with my parent, it is difficult to fit in sometimes when things to crop up last minute.

Anyway, AIBU to wait until my sibling goes on holiday and then during these 12 weeks, add on all the grandchildren to the rota that would like to be and continue this moving forward, even when they are back, despite knowing that they are completely against it?

You can't force other adults into this role. You can't make decisions for them. You may be willing to do it, but most people would not. You need to start using professional carers and, ultimately, consider a care home.

The sibling protecting the grandchildren, whilst adults, has the right idea in my mind. What a horrible dynamic to have an aunt/uncle dictating responsibility in that way.

I agree. A lot of elderly people who need care will refuse professional carers in principle if you 'allow' them to and continue to do the work yourselves. You need to bite the bullet and hand over to paid carers.

They wouldn’t be added if they said no? They would be asked and their decision respected without question.

There isn’t a “horrible dynamic” and the only person “dictating” is my sibling who won’t budge on saying no, we can’t ask.

No one is being forced to do anything. I was going to ask them and if they said yes, add them. If they said no, not add them.

Yes, I think we are trying to do the right thing buy him, I think we absolutely need to look into paid carers or alternative accommodation and at least discuss the options.

YADNBU.

I think your dad would love to see and spend time with his grandchildren. They are old enough to make their own decisions and split between so many this is likely to be a pleasure rather than a chore.

If the grandchildren want to be involved to take the pressure off their parents it’s bloody disrespectful to ban them. I helped my mum care for my beloved gran when her other 3 children dropped all the care on her and sodded off on holiday. I wouldn’t change that for the world.

There isn’t a “horrible dynamic” and the only person “dictating” is my sibling who won’t budge on saying no, we can’t ask.

Perhaps as an older generation they are protecting the younger generation from feeling pressured into caring if they know they will struggle to say no. There is obviously a reason they are taking this protective stance, personally, I don't think it's right for anyone to be interfering with other people's children even if they are adults. You ask your own children if you want, but I think it's up to the siblings to ask their own children, and yes the stubborn sibling doesn't get to tell you not to ask your own children.

This is really my point of view. No one would be forced to anything they didn’t want to do. It would just be helpful all round if, for now, it was shared around more people.

Some of the grandchildren do visit regularly, do a heads up even, that they were popping in, would mean the person on the rota could still go or not go. If that makes sense. It would add a bit more flexibility.

You have 5 siblings, most people might have none or 1 or maybe 2. You already have the burden massively shared. Don't involve the grandkids. Honestly at 22 I would have not felt able to say no, and would have really resented it.

I agree with your sibling. The very fact of being asked directly is pressure. And it’s not fair to pressure anyone into role of carer.

I am so sorry for your dad, but having been a long time survivor of the elderly parents role, a rota and the resentment it brings to those who drop out if it, is not sustainable.

If your dad has the means to pay for support and or care, then he should be doing so. You still get to lavish him with love and companionship, but, if something comes up, it’s not the end of the world, nor a mad scramble to find alternative carers from the family.

I know you are doing your very best to navigate this stage, but in my experience, a lack of outside help leads to a ‘one man standing’ situation and a lot of hurt feelings

It has nothing to do with love? I never mentioned love?

If by personal care, you mean intimate care, we don’t do this.

There is a difference between willingly spending time with your grandparent and unwittingly stepping up to be rostered as an unpaid carer for years to come as care requirements become increasingly complex and onerous. What decent person would expect that from their children, let alone their grandchildren? Sort out proper care so grandchildrens' visits can indeed be a pleasure, not a duty and a chore.

When you say 'go on the rota' are there just some days that you're there for a cuppa and company or are you all doing chores each visit? I don't see anything wrong with reaching out to grandchildren and asking if any of them could spare the odd day to visit granddad as he's a bit lonely and would love to see them, but no they shouldn't be involved in any sort of care or go on a formal rota with chores.

You should be focusing your efforts on the 2 shit siblings who have opted out & getting regular paid help. Even if it's not carers, if you had someone to clean plus pay them for an extra half hour social time to sit and chat to your dad would that be sufficient for that day?

But a lot of people will say yes out of guilt or duty and that’s not fair on anyone.

you all have your own lives

There may be some grandchildren that would like to help. In that situation i would absolutely help and would be willing to give up a few days a month to help.

I think it’s fine to ask grandchildren if they can help, but it has to be very clear that it’s only if they absolutely want to, and it’s only the odd visit.

I think the sibling’s long holiday is a good opportunity to introduce paid help. Start it off at once or twice a week to make up for that sibling’s absence. Don’t cancel when they return, reduce everyone’s obligation.

Yes everyone does have their own lives. It’s hard to explain but if I asked my niece, for example, and she said no, I probably wouldn’t see her in person for years.

Send an email to all grand'children' to ask who may like to visit a couple of times a month December through March - or however long the time sibling is away for.

Do not ask permission. This is not your sibling's place to control. Many adult grand'children' enjoy this time with grandparents. Many hands make light work and ensure your parent is receiving important social interaction and care, without anyone burning out.

This is what I think, but posted here to get opinions and most think it would be wrong to ask so I need to wait and decide.

My daughter, for example, would say yes, her siblings would say no.

Why wouldn’t you see her in person for years?

Some days, he may need some washing put in the machine, some days a cup of tea and a chat, some days, just a chat.

It is more for some human interaction and to check he has eaten and had a drink and/or has these items available.

He is unable to use a phone so if he had a problem he couldn’t call us. He has alarms and buzzers but no phone unfortunately.

There is no intimate care.

Why wouldn’t you see her in years?