Caring for parent and holidays

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We have a rota to care for our elderly parent since our other parent passed away this year.

6 Children
18 Grandchildren
So potentially around 24 people could be on this rota give or take instead of 6.

One of my siblings refused to allow any of the grandchildren, despite them being adults and able to make their own decisions on whether to take part, to be included in the rota.

They have no, in my opinion, sensible reason for such a strong view. Knowing them, I think it is more a case of them being able to control the situation with fewer people and they know we will mostly be compliant.

This means there were 6 of us, taking it in turns to go every day and visit. Really for company and to do any light cleaning, washing, cooking, shopping, whatever was needed really, he can't be on his own really, but is against carers at the moment, is also grief stricken and lonely so daily visits is absolutely necessary.

Fast forward to now, 2 siblings have bailed on the rota so there are 4 of us. We are very flexible with each other and swap around between us if we need to due to other committments. Some of us live 15 minutes away and some live an hour away.

My issue is that my sibling has today announced a 12 week holiday from the 1st December. It seems that I have only been made aware of this today, because I contacted each of my siblings to check availability for the December rota.

This now means from December for 3 months the rota will be split between the 3 of us.

I personally find the rota hard work and although I enjoy spending time with my parent, it is difficult to fit in sometimes when things to crop up last minute.

Anyway, AIBU to wait until my sibling goes on holiday and then during these 12 weeks, add on all the grandchildren to the rota that would like to be and continue this moving forward, even when they are back, despite knowing that they are completely against it?

You said it would be easier all round if the grandchildren got involved. I pointed out that being on a caring duties rota would not be easier for the grandchildren. You really do need to acknowledge that.

As I mentioned upthread, having been a GC in this position, it's not the same thing as choosing to go and spend time with an elderly relative as and when you wish, because you want to. It changes the dynamic. It would not add more flexibility for them, in fact it'd be the exact opposite.

Oh sorry, I definitely misinterpreted your post. My bad

Also to add it tends to be the women who step up, I think we are still in a situation where this happens even in 2024. My OH saw his parents, but had minimal involvement with their care, his sisters, not his brother's were the ones doing the personal care cleaning / cooking etc.so whether we admit it or not this is another case for outside help being the way forward. Unless all members step up equally, which from my experience never happens

Well I think that's your answer.

Tell the sibling that's against the grandchildren being involved that some of them want to be, and it's the only way to ensure your parent has the care that you all seem to want them to have. Then ask the grandchildren if anyone would like to be involved, stressing that there's no obligation whatsoever, and proceed from there. In time, your parent may need a carer so maybe you could start with half a day a week from the time your sibling goes away.

I volunteered to help with a grandparent when I was 19-20 - I wasn't asked, it just happened that there were 7 'shifts' a week to be covered but only 3 children who all did two shifts, and I asked if I could do the other one. It was actually nice to be useful and spend time with my grandfather. We'd just eat, chat, watch TV and then I'd stay over (and be slipped a tenner on my way out!).

Instead of spending so much time and energy I would split the bill for help (a home) into 6 if parent can't afford.

No way I would spend so much of my life talking care of a so helpless parent.
It's ao exhausting together with own job, own health issues, own household and own family life.

I would never expect grandchildren to be involved or responsible on a daily basis. At their (even grown up) age they have education, work, children and their own stuff to sort.

Do I take it that none of these grandchildren are your children? If you have children and they want to help out they could go instead of you.

Yeah that only works if all the relevant grandchildren have been brought up in a perfect environment of no sexism putting differential expectations on females and males, and no passing down of intergenerational guilt/obligation/emotional manipulation due to you and all your siblings being miraculously free of any human failings yourselves. If you are assuming this is the case you are probably wrong. The ones who agree would not actually be doing so from a place of free choice. Best to avoid this.

Absolutely agree @DustyAmuseAlien how can it be worded in any way not to guilt them?!

Your post is quite aggressive.

The two who bailed are female. The person going on holiday is female. The three left are 2 male and myself female.

Nobody is perfect, we all fail.

However, failure is subjective. Someone’s failing maybe to someone else thriving.

What's the excuses for 2 of them not caring anymore? How selfish.

It could be afforded by my parent but not by some of my siblings.

I personally, wouldn’t ever want to ask my siblings for any form of financial contribution.

When it reaches the point where someone going on holiday creates issues then that’s the point where the current set up isn’t sustainable.

Grandchildren should be able to visit because they want to - and if things need doing when there help of course - not out of guilt for the sake of a rota

They just don’t want to. Never really said and we didn’t ask.

Both are female, one retired, no children, one works part time with adult children and no grandchildren yet.

They said no, we said ok.

If parent can afford to pay help just go ahead with proper help instead of that rota help splitting the family.

We will look into paid help and other options available to us over the next few weeks.

A carer would be great but I understand why the reluctance.

My mother had a carer via the NHS for 12 weeks last year after an operation as part of a care package. We were very, very grateful, but it didn’t go well and we had to cancel them after 4 weeks and pick it up ourselves. I think this adds to his reluctance.

It partly depends on what caring looks like. Could grandkids commit to each visit once a month but just for company?

I'd do 1 day a week maybe 2 if I lived closest.

The grandchildren will all be aware of the rota, surely.
If they wanted to pitch in, then they would have done already
They have already shown you that this is not something they are able to participate in, so please do not ask them.
Most likely they are all working and may have young DCs of their own. You cannot expect a regular commitment from them.

Can he not use a phone/washing machine etc because of dementia or has he just never tried?
Are there any befriending services locally or day centres he could go to? Some areas have Care Navigators accessible via GP who can help with these signposting issues.
The expression 'don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm' springs to mind.

You are enabling your parent to rely on his children. Given the choice of course most people would rather their children help out than a carer. This is selfish. You all have your own lives. He needs to accept help from a carer popping in once a day - helping with the washing or checking he has eaten. Then visits from children and grandchildren will be a bonus. Your siblings are entitled to their lives and holidays. You can't expect everyone to be on a rota and help out because it's what you want.

I think you can maybe say to grandchildren that if anyone can offer any time over the 12 week period that would be great but please don't feel you have too and no one will be upset at you if you don't. That sounds like a good compromise. I like to visit my great nan and am part of the "rota" for this (nothing written down just a discussion). So some grandchildren may wish too!

You need to get him assessed by adult social services. I say this as a child who saw one parent have carers as my mum just couldn’t manage his care alone and the rest of the family work full time. The carers were a his send, they washed him, got him up and settled and returned at night to put him to bed. The rest of the day my mum did his care. Now my mum has dementia and my brother has moved in to look after her but we had an assessment yesterday(she’s in hospital right now) she will have carers 4 times a day. So they will wash her and help her dress, visit twice to do personal care (change her incontinence pads of she hadn’t managed to the loo) and put her to bed.

Kindly OP your rota is proving unsustainable and I think it is time to take stock of what care/support is actually needed. Nothing I have read suggests the need for a daily visits, but possibly there is more going on in the background

Maybe time to explore if there are any lunchclubs or similar available locally. I do appreciate that i0ntroducing paid carers can be tricky. For my DM we started with a paid gardener which she was fine with, then someone local who helped with cleaning. Once they got to know one another, and f9t on well, the 'cleaner' was happy to extend her time to do some bits of local shopping and to make a light meal for DM. As time went on and DM's care needs increased due to her frailty and dementia, she was more open to carers.

You make a good point about stepping back but I’m not sure I could do that without feeling incredibly uncomfortable and guilty.

That's about you though. You need to be thinking in terms of what is best for the person who needs care. It may be a combination of family and paid for carers. This would enable carers to be introduced into the mix and then increased as needs escalate.

Are the grandchildren allowed to visit their GP?