For thinking school are making too much of this?

[Notanothermondaymorning]

DS is Year 1 and has just turned 6. For background, he has a moderate hearing loss and wears hearing aids. He goes to a fee paying school where they do seem to have very strict behaviour standards.

We’ve had a few issues with his behaviour this year, mainly messing about in class and doing/saying some unkind/inappropriate things. Obviously we don’t condone that behaviour and do our best to instill in him that he should always be kind and respectful of others and that he should not be messing about in school. Our teacher of the deaf has been in numerous times to assess him and is very much of the opinion that these behaviors stem from his frustration that he cannot hear well and that the classroom environment can be a noisy and stressful place for him. Apparently this is a common issue with hard of hearing children at this age. My issue is that the school seem to be making a lot of it, as if he is some kind of problem child. Now I know my DS is not perfect but he is a good kid and he is very kind and thoughtful. He can and does get silly and carried away at times but don’t all 6 year old boys? He has struggled a bit socially this year due to being separated from a close friend when the class split was decided at the end of reception and he was put in a class with children he didn’t know well. But I think he has done really well to make some new friends despite the barriers that his hearing loss present. But I’ve had calls from the school to tell me things like he blew a raspberry at another child (it was termed as he spat at another child but when I questioned it, I was told it was actually a raspberry) and that he knocked over another child’s tower of blocks. Now I know these things are not kind but does it really warrant a phone call home?

Makes me feel so sad that the school seem to be focusing on the negatives and not all the wonderful attributes he has and at the same time, don’t seem to acknowledge or understand the additional challenges he faces and how these struggles manifest in a child his age. I don’t know how to handle it with the school and would really appreciate any advice or input from others. I find it so upsetting to think he’s being labeled as a difficult child when I genuinely don’t think he is.

So you want the school to phone every parent regularly to focus on the positive and tell them their children are behaving well?? Do you know how much time that would take?

It is completely normal for the school to only contact parents when there is an issue to be discussed.

I agree that on the surface your son's behaviours seem quite tame, but if they're a daily occurrence and out of the ordinary (e.g. no other child in the class is behaving this way) then teachers are right to raise it. Surely you want to know so that you can keep reinforcing kindness in your child, heading off potentially more serious problems later?

It makes sense that his behaviour arises out of frustration, like you said, but so what? It doesn't excuse the behaviour, just explain it. All the more reason to work on calming techniques, give him tools to soothe himself when stressed etc.

You sound like a concerned mum who is looking out for her child. That's obviously a good thing. Please don't see the teachers as your enemy this though.

I suppose it depends on the impact the disruption is having in the classroom. Of course it’s frustrating for him if he can’t hear clearly and well enough. What has the school put in place to reduce the impact of his hearing loss? Is he seated where he can clearly see and is close to the teacher?

I know that noisy and busy environments can be difficult for people with hearing loss. It’s hard to separate out the general noise and specific voices. Of course, disruption isn’t acceptable, as you point out, but it sounds as though some adjustments could be made for him. Is it the right school for your son?

Does the teacher of the deaf not recommend a hearing aid microphone for the teacher? When we had children with hearing aids the teacher wore a microphone box thing that helped the children to hear better. Yes classrooms are noisy so the teacher should be proactive in your son's seating position and quieting down the classroom.

Sadly low level disruption in the classroom is one of the hardest things to deal with because they are small and occur all the time. It can be seen by parents as general silliness but it actually stops children learning effectively.

I would be arranging a face to face with his teacher inside the classroom to address his seating position, the potential microphone wearing and try to come to a joint agreement of addressing your son's behaviour. The phone calls are so that you can talk to your son about school and what he should be doing in class. Play time is the time for silliness and messing around.

Just looked up some of my SEND training, they can give your child a lesson over-view so that they don't have to struggle to concentrate on everything the teacher is saying because they already have the gist. Also to clarify that he knows what he is doing now to make sure he understood it all. Not a difficult thing for a teacher to do. Honestly, it is like 30 seconds as they already have a plenary (lesson plan over-view) and then checking in again 30 seconds.

I understand all of the points you make but it does just feel like an overreaction on behalf of the school. Not saying this was better but I’m pretty sure that when I was a kid no parents would be getting a phone call about these kinds of issues. I agree it should be dealt with and as I said we are doing our best as parents to back the teachers up and reinforce the message at home. He does have a radio aid at school which does help but a lot of these issues occur in the ‘free play’ time in class when volume levels rise exponentially and the radio aid isn’t being used. We’ve only been told about one episode of disruption during class time and haven’t had anything since so I don’t really think it’s something that’s having a major impact on his learning or that of the other children.

Agree with above re addressing how to help his hearing issues.

However it needs this alongside addressing his poor behaviour. You do need to stop minimising this as a boys will be boys thing and back up the school that if behaviour is unacceptable it is unacceptable.

Cross posted.

You say you are backing up and reinforcing but then go on to say it isn't really a problem so are still minimising.

If the problems are always during free play can you talk to the teacher about different options for him? What does the teacher of the deaf recommend for times like this? Is there a certain activity he can work on which might distract him?

It sounds like school are focusing on the negative behaviour and you are focusing on their lack of understanding, when you both need to be focusing on solutions for the child.

Also, are these incidents all aimed at the same child? Blowing raspberries at them, knocking down their blocks... could be the beginning of a bullying pattern that the school wants to head off.

No I don’t expect the teachers to phone home and tell us about every bit of good behaviour. But I do expect it to be taken into account alongside the few not so good behaviours. I don’t feel like I’m minimizing anything, I’ve totally backed the teachers up and have spoken to my son at length about these incidents. But privately I do feel that the issues are being made far more of than they should be

No I don’t think they are aimed at the same child. As far as I know, it’s just been impulsive spur of the moment reaction. He has not been hurting other children and has always apologized for his behaviour when pulled up on it. From what I understand, these incidents are certainly not happening on a daily basis

Have you asked the teachers what they would like you to do with this information, or if it is just a courtesy call to let you know they’ve dealt with an incident themselves?

If you feel it’s a negative way of getting updates, you might suggest they don’t call every time but arrange a regular catch up time with you each week/two weeks etc.

Generally the teacher has just said it’s been dealt with at school and just letting us know.

It does sound very difficult for him but the spitting thing in particular is not okay (and call it what you want but if he is spraying spit you need to stamp that out).

I would want to sit down with the teacher and discuss your perception that he is mainly just frustrated at the extra effort he is constantly having to make to keep up with communication in the class. I agree that at 6 this is probably all that is wrong here, but I would want the teacher to make clear whether they agree, or whether they think there is anything else going on.

Then not quite sure what the problem is? The school is just keeping you in the loop, surely that's a good thing?

Are you pleased with the school in general? I’m curious about free play time in a Yr1 class and playing with a ‘tower of blocks’ sounds like nursery

Sorry but I really don’t think that blowing a raspberry is the same as deliberately gobbing in someone’s face. That has only happened once and we’ve had no reports of it happening again. I definitely agree it’s unacceptable behaviour though and he should not be doing it.

He’s also been assessed by the senco who agrees with the teacher of the deaf that these issues all stem from his hearing loss. As far as we’re away, the class teacher also thinks the same. What other issues do you think could be causing it?

Yes generally pleased with them. Tower is probably the wrong word, it’s more of a free activity time where the children can decide what activities they want to do. It is gradually being phased into a more structured learning pattern so hopefully won’t be too much of a problem going forward

In that case, is there any chance that they are making extra efforts to keep in touch with you because of his needs?

That kind of behaviour is really disruptive in a classroom and needs to be dealt with, but as you say it's not unusual in 6yo boys. I know a couple in my DD's class would do similar, one in particular is the child of a good friend and afaik they don't get a call every time. I wonder if the teacher is making an extra effort to keep the lines of communication open.

Either way, sounds like there's two things you need to focus on - accommodations in the classroom to help him hear better, and working with him to learn better ways to deal with his frustration.

You could always ask the teacher to let you know if your son had a really good day at school (every so often, not every day, that would be creating too much unnecessary work for the teacher). That way you can praise him when he's behaving well.

I think if your son was the recipient of raspberries or having his creation knocked over the you would hope school will tell parents. The support for his hearing loss is separate, does he have an ehcp?

He’s also been assessed by the senco who agrees with the teacher of the deaf that these issues all stem from his hearing loss. As far as we’re away, the class teacher also thinks the same.
That EXPLAINS the behaviour but doesn't EXCUSE it. You're focusing on this raspberry but said there were lots of other examples in your OP. I think you need to stop making excuses and focus more on improving his behaviour so the other children can learn without being subjected to this unkindness or getting spit in their faces (regardless of how it happened).

No, it seems extreme to me too. Yes the behaviour needs addressed by the teacher. No, it’s not enough to warrant a chat with you. Some replies on this post are just way ridiculous.
Not all schools are a good fit with every child. This may not be the best place for him. Or it may be a particular teacher that’s just not great so deflects everything back to you rather than being able to deal with it effectively herself. Not all teachers are equal. Some are great. Some really not. Children tend to thrive and have good behaviour when they’re engaged and feel valued. It doesn’t sound like that’s happened here. This is not all on your son. This is a whole situation to be considered. Your son’s behaviour would be poor at home as well otherwise. Kids who aren’t well behaved, you can see in all aspects of their life. In one environment only then I’d be looking at the whole situation there.

Ugh. I can't think of much worse than having the racket of a bunch of kids, building blocks clattering, tapping, pencils scraping and all the rustles, chair scrapes and whatnots being amplified into my brain. I can't deal with the horror that is an assembly with paper booklets, chairs and sodding clapping songs making my HA feel like it's been replaced with a screwdriver being repeatedly dug in to my eardrum, never mind all of that.

Might the school be amenable to providing a quieter free play section?

He may not be physically hurting the other children ,but he’s hurting their feelings by knocking over what they’ve built and “ blowing raspberries “

Blowing a raspberry at someone close enough that they get spat it is absolutely rank. The fact that you are minimising this is somewhat telling.