For thinking school are making too much of this?

[Notanothermondaymorning]

DS is Year 1 and has just turned 6. For background, he has a moderate hearing loss and wears hearing aids. He goes to a fee paying school where they do seem to have very strict behaviour standards.

We’ve had a few issues with his behaviour this year, mainly messing about in class and doing/saying some unkind/inappropriate things. Obviously we don’t condone that behaviour and do our best to instill in him that he should always be kind and respectful of others and that he should not be messing about in school. Our teacher of the deaf has been in numerous times to assess him and is very much of the opinion that these behaviors stem from his frustration that he cannot hear well and that the classroom environment can be a noisy and stressful place for him. Apparently this is a common issue with hard of hearing children at this age. My issue is that the school seem to be making a lot of it, as if he is some kind of problem child. Now I know my DS is not perfect but he is a good kid and he is very kind and thoughtful. He can and does get silly and carried away at times but don’t all 6 year old boys? He has struggled a bit socially this year due to being separated from a close friend when the class split was decided at the end of reception and he was put in a class with children he didn’t know well. But I think he has done really well to make some new friends despite the barriers that his hearing loss present. But I’ve had calls from the school to tell me things like he blew a raspberry at another child (it was termed as he spat at another child but when I questioned it, I was told it was actually a raspberry) and that he knocked over another child’s tower of blocks. Now I know these things are not kind but does it really warrant a phone call home?

Makes me feel so sad that the school seem to be focusing on the negatives and not all the wonderful attributes he has and at the same time, don’t seem to acknowledge or understand the additional challenges he faces and how these struggles manifest in a child his age. I don’t know how to handle it with the school and would really appreciate any advice or input from others. I find it so upsetting to think he’s being labeled as a difficult child when I genuinely don’t think he is.

Would the teacher consider a communication book, sent to and fro from home each day? So on a good day she could write ‘all fine today, well done’ and on a day with an incident she could inform you about it? Also helpful for observing longer term trends (eg all incidents are at the end of the week / after PE / after assembly etc and for you to send in details eg if he has not slept well or been upset after school or said anything to you in the wake of an incident.

My other thought is more cynical - is it a selective school in any way other than through being fee-paying? It is not entirely impossible that they are laying the groundwork for slowly managing him out / not selecting him to progress through the school at the next checkpoint / implying his needs might be better met elsewhere. As a teacher in a school that ‘caught’ children with SEN managed out of a local private school, it is another possibility.

I’m sorry, I do take on board all of your comments but please can we get real - he’s SIX years old for gods sake! And only just six. Do you really all think that these kinds of behaviours are not being exhibited by many other 6 year olds alL over the world? Learning how to behave and how to deal with frustration is a challenge for all 6 year olds let alone a deaf one. As I’ve said, it’s not happening all the time but when it does, I feel that it should it dealt with in school. If the things happening were more serious then of course it warrants a chat with us. I don’t feel that a phone call home after one incident of blowing a raspberry is a proportionate reaction. I think I have been very supportive of the school so far and have never voiced my opinion that it is being blown out of proportion to my son, but I genuinely think it is. Either that or everyone seems to have incredibly perfectly behaved six year olds 😆

Agree with this.

Whilst not excusing his behaviour (although a PP's describing a raspberry as absolutely vile or rank seems a little OTT) he must be experiencing a massive sensory overload.

Perhaps a conversation with the deaf teacher and the school SEN or teacher might help discuss how to reduce that overload, or provide space where he can go and escape the noise?

He’s 6 years old. Yes it’s rank, yes it’s unacceptable but it happens.

OK, so the issue is with your feelings, not their expectations.

You’re finding the communications stressful/upsetting. So do you need to either a) change your attitude to how it makes you feel, understanding that they’re not being negative by telling you or expecting you to solve anything or alternatively b) ask them to communicate with you in a different manner (end of week update, home-school book etc)?

Do you really all think that these kinds of behaviours are not being exhibited by many other 6 year olds alL over the world?
Yes and their parents are getting phone calls too. This smacks of those pupils caught doing something who argue by saying "but miss, Joe was doing it too!" when they don't know that Joe's getting detention as well.

It's hard to say whether they're making too much of this or not. It depends on the tone and how they framed the incidents when they spoke to you. If the school has a very strict behaviour policy, perhaps teachers have no choice and have a rule that parents must be contact each time a behaviour incident occurs?Framing blowing a raspberry as spitting in someone's face doesn't bode well though...if they blow other things out of proportion I'd wonder whether they're trying to paint him a certain way in order to force him out.

My DS also has hearing loss and frequently complains that the classroom is too noisy and teachers often 'forget' to adapt their approach or outright do the opposite of what has been agreed (e.g. make him sit at the back of the classroom instead of at the front, don't look at him when they speak to him, accuse him of "not listening" when he actually simply can't hear what they've said).

If all the qualified professionals agree that the problems are caused by frustration because of hearing loss, I'd be asking what they plan on doing to address this. If things don't improve, I'd consider moving to another school, if that's an option.

The thing is, you have selected and paid fir a private school with a strict discipline policy.

Importantly, so have all the other parents of children in the class - possibly because they want their children to avoid the kind of disruptive behaviour that may be ‘normal / not out of the ordinary for the age group in unstructured situations’ but does disrupt formal or informal learning within a classroom. One of the key reasons parents choose to send their children to private schools is always said to be better behaviour.

Those parents have a reasonable expectation that the school’s discipline policy is followed, including that eg the parent of the child breaching the policy is informed.

I'm amazed the teacher has the time or inclination to be phoning home over every little bit of bad behaviour tbh. I've never known the like of it. I can understand it being mentioned at parents evening perhaps but phoning home?

That said I think you're using his hearing loss too much as a defence. His hearing loss won't be why he blew a raspberry at someone or why he knocked over their blocks. It might however be why he doesn't listen well - does the teacher ensure he is always sat at the front, closest to her when she is giving instruction? That will be really important.

Do you think this is the right school for him? How was reception? Is it just this teacher that doesn't get him so well or do you think it's a whole school issue?

Actually I don't think most 6 year olds do this (blow raspberries). Is it something your family group or friendship group do? It is kind of like thumbing your nose at someone - you don't see it in real life. But if he has been taught that it is a normal social behaviour, that needs to be untaught.

The knocking over blocks thing is universal though, some kids can't resist, and it is a way to get attention.

Obviously not which is why I said it’s rank and unacceptable. I’d hardly be doing it home and then balling him out for it at school. I think perhaps you and I know some very different six year olds 😂

Sorry but it’s very much a reason for these behaviors. Deaf children experience massive learning fatigue and huge struggles with communication that children with normal hearing do not. At this age they do not possess the maturity or skills to deal with their frustrations in a more constructive way

I think that's the previous posters point - he doesn't behave this way because of hearing difficulties, he behaves that way due to frustration (that probably comes from the hearing difficulties, agreed).

It's an important distinction because the former you can't do anything about and the latter you can put strategies in place to mitigate.

The school is trying to keep you informed of what's happening and how your son is getting on. This sounds like a good thing and what many parents want (and what they pay extortionate fees for).

But doesn't the problem here seem to be that your understanding of how a six year old typically behaves might be different from other people's? Isn't it worth asking where he is picking up the raspberry/spitting thing?

Because in my son's class we've had pushing, thumping, shouting, rude hand gestures, biting, name calling etc, but not the spitting thing. So okay, maybe that is a norm where you are, but are you sure it is?

We have had all of those things too (although not from DS I’m pleased to say). He probably gets the raspberry thing from being around his two year old brother

My thoughts chime with @cantkeepawayforever i wonder if they are starting the process of managing him out, as private schools sometimes do. I hope it’s not that!

And as I keep saying, it’s happened ONCE. Not a repeated behaviour

Most 6 year olds don’t behave like this in school. I’m not sure why you think they do, OP? Reception, possibly. By year 1, no.

If you were the parent of the children on the other side of your son's behaviour, you'd want it addressing. Continuous "low" level unkindness is wearing and not ok.

Yes I would want it addressing and the teachers are addressing it. As I keep saying I don’t think it’s something that is happening continually and for that reason, I don’t feel it warrants as much attention as it’s generating. All I can say is that if son is abnormal by occasionally displaying these behaviours then there must be some really perfect 6 year olds out there and I’ve gone really wrong with parenting him

omg recipient of raspberries might have to be my new name

Hearing loss absolutely can be the root cause of that kind of behaviour in young children. Of course it's not literally because he has hearing loss that he blows a raspberry, but the frustration and overwhelm caused by having hearing loss is going to cause him to be frazzled, reactive and dysregulated. I've got hearing loss myself and even as an adult, in busy situations it is incredibly overwhelming and can even be panic inducing when noises start overlapping and I can't hear what's happening clearly.

My other thought is more cynical - is it a selective school in any way other than through being fee-paying? It is not entirely impossible that they are laying the groundwork for slowly managing him out / not selecting him to progress through the school at the next checkpoint / implying his needs might be better met elsewhere. As a teacher in a school that ‘caught’ children with SEN managed out of a local private school, it is another possibility.

This was my first thought to be honest. Otherwise it does really seem like a small problem.

The school are communicating that it is abnormal in that setting.

Unless you feel that this type of behaviour is regularly happening within that class and other parents are not getting phone calls, then you have to accept that the school has particular expectations and is following their policy in letting you know.

It may be that the school is not right for you / your son - either because you don’t agree with their expectations or because they wish to manage him out as they do not feel he is able to match them so they cannot / do not want to meet his needs.

Whatever the case, this is how the school chooses to respond to this behaviour. If you think this is excessive, then you have a choice to work with with the school on how to modify the behaviour or find a school where this behaviour is responded to differently.

I don't know what the point of this is.

These are such minor issues - no I wouldn't expect a phone call home, and if I got one I'm afraid my question to them would be "ok, what do you want me to do about it?".

If they feel it warrants punishment or whatever, then that should happen in school at the time. Only if there was a pattern of behaviour would I expect a phone call and a request to reinforce their stance at home.

@Notanothermondaymorning what did they actually say on the phone call?