For thinking school are making too much of this?

[Notanothermondaymorning]

DS is Year 1 and has just turned 6. For background, he has a moderate hearing loss and wears hearing aids. He goes to a fee paying school where they do seem to have very strict behaviour standards.

We’ve had a few issues with his behaviour this year, mainly messing about in class and doing/saying some unkind/inappropriate things. Obviously we don’t condone that behaviour and do our best to instill in him that he should always be kind and respectful of others and that he should not be messing about in school. Our teacher of the deaf has been in numerous times to assess him and is very much of the opinion that these behaviors stem from his frustration that he cannot hear well and that the classroom environment can be a noisy and stressful place for him. Apparently this is a common issue with hard of hearing children at this age. My issue is that the school seem to be making a lot of it, as if he is some kind of problem child. Now I know my DS is not perfect but he is a good kid and he is very kind and thoughtful. He can and does get silly and carried away at times but don’t all 6 year old boys? He has struggled a bit socially this year due to being separated from a close friend when the class split was decided at the end of reception and he was put in a class with children he didn’t know well. But I think he has done really well to make some new friends despite the barriers that his hearing loss present. But I’ve had calls from the school to tell me things like he blew a raspberry at another child (it was termed as he spat at another child but when I questioned it, I was told it was actually a raspberry) and that he knocked over another child’s tower of blocks. Now I know these things are not kind but does it really warrant a phone call home?

Makes me feel so sad that the school seem to be focusing on the negatives and not all the wonderful attributes he has and at the same time, don’t seem to acknowledge or understand the additional challenges he faces and how these struggles manifest in a child his age. I don’t know how to handle it with the school and would really appreciate any advice or input from others. I find it so upsetting to think he’s being labeled as a difficult child when I genuinely don’t think he is.

Does your son have Bluetooth processors? Could the teacher wear a microphone transmitter that sends audio directly to your son's processors?

When I was at university there was a girl who had that solution in lectures.

Saliva and spitting is very serious - classes as assault. Parents that laugh and find it hilarious when DC "blow raspberries" can't seem to fathom it is like laughing when a child hits you etc. It is not funny - it is gross and can spread disease. I'd have thought a pandemic would wake people up but not the entitled wealthy parents of Britain it seems. Wake up and stop him spitting. 7 member of my family are profoundly deaf and none of them behaved poorly at school because they were disciplined at home.

I agree, it’s definitely at the root of this, so I would want to know what the school is doing to help him. My mother has hearing loss too and I know how disorientating it can be for her.

Children of this age get over stimulated in large groups and that results in this kind of behaviour. A good teacher will notice this building up in certain children and keep the child's behaviour in check. I wonder if she is verbally reminding him, and he is not hearing, so carries on with his silliness. I am sure he doesn't just suddenly knock over a tower or blow raspberries without any previous behaviour. I presume if it is a private school, he is not in a class of 30?

You need to ask what is the school doing? What strategies is it putting in place to help your son? They’ve accepted him knowing his hearing difficulties. What are they doing in the classroom when it becomes over Noisy? How are they helping him how they supporting him? Thank them for the call but ask the above

There’s a lot of focus on the raspberry blowing but I’d be more concerned if it was my kid about the saying unkind/inappropriate things. That isn’t ‘normal’ for a 6 year old. Silly things perhaps but not unkind.

I wonder how the parents of those children feel about when they hear about your son’s behaviour towards their children. If the school are getting complaints from other parents, this may be why they are contacting you about incidents.

He does have a radio aid at school which does help but a lot of these issues occur in the ‘free play’ time in class when volume levels rise exponentially and the radio aid isn’t being used.

If his teacher, Senco and deaf teacher all agree the issues are related to his hearing -I'd suggest again pointing out when problems seem to be occurring fact everyone agree it's issues related to his hearing impairment - and asking what can be put in place to help him during these times when he's clearly struggling due to his disability.

I'd also say you are reinforcing good behavior requirements at home - but if this is a hearing issue then they need to make adjustments for him.

FFS are you for real? First off, stop being so presumptuous that you know our financial circumstances and reasons for sending him to this school. You don’t have a clue. How dare you call me entitled? On what basis?

Secondly, can you read? I’ve said over and over that I know it’s unacceptable to blow raspberries, we don’t condone it and we have punished him at home for the behaviour which most reasonable people might actually consider an overreaction seeing as it had already been dealt with at school. I haven’t once laughed or found it hilarious - quite the opposite.

My son is disciplined at home thanks but I I am genuinely happy for the profoundly deaf people in your family that they haven’t had the same struggles as my son.

My other thought is more cynical - is it a selective school in any way other than through being fee-paying? It is not entirely impossible that they are laying the groundwork for slowly managing him out / not selecting him to progress through the school at the next checkpoint / implying his needs might be better met elsewhere. As a teacher in a school that ‘caught’ children with SEN managed out of a local private school, it is another possibility.

Yeah, this is definitely a possibility. Although you would think they could cope with a hearing impairment in this day and age.

This. In a private school they can decide which pupils they take in a way that state schools can’t. So you’re probably on the receiving end of them running a much tighter ship in behavioural terms and unfortunately you will probably have to accept that if you’re child is creating an environment that is exactly what other parents are paying to avoid, the school are not going to tolerate it in the way another might have to.

There may be very understandable reasons for his behaviour and it might not be the worst thing a 6 year old has ever done but the school are still not obliged to deal with it and it sounds very much like they’re making that clear. I would start looking at other options if I were you

I am more concerned about why he has felt the need to be unkind than the raspberry (singular). For some reason, the world and his wife on this thread seem to any to focus on on that single incident and not the bigger picture

IMO, AIBU is not an appropriate board for this topic-most people have no idea of the difficulties which are experienced by a child who wears hearing aids. Perhaps you could ask for this to be moved?
It is so tricky to know how you and the school can deal with this-a less strict school may have more noise and upheaval throughout lessons so could make this worse. Equally you do not want to punish your ds by not letting him join in free play. Is there a quieter space/separate room that ds and a few other children can access sometimes with a TA supervising?
I think the communication book between home and school sounds like a really good idea and worth trying. Good luck 😊

It sounds like the school are contacting you for very minor behaviours and as you say, not unexpected in a 6 year old. I have worked with deaf children and behavioural issues are not uncommon, usually from frustration or feeling left out. I would just thank the school for letting you know and ask what they are doing to discourage the behaviour and help your son understand the consequences of poor behaviour? He needs lots of positive reinforcement when he's behaving well!

Some mad, over the top comments on this thread lol.

I wouldn't expect my DD's school to call me if she blew a raspberry or knocked some blocks over, I would also find it frustrating to deal with. All through primary and now secondary many children in her friend groups have behaved much worse with no phone calls home over the years. Our children are not angels and even if some of you are convinced yours are, I promise you at school, or out with their friends, they can and will be little arseholes for no apparent reason. This boy, especially with the extra issues he has to deal with, doesn't sound bad at all. Sounds like you're on top of things at home and he will probably learn quickly what behaviour is and isn't acceptable as he grows within this new school environment.

I'd be asking school to communicate the issues in a different way as others have already suggested. Weekly diary that gets sent home on a Friday, weekly email etc.

It's difficult to know what you want us to say op.

Because if we agree with you that these are minor for phone calls, which is what you appear to want us to, then that can only mean that these calls are a deliberate step towards managing him out.

I think in a state school this really wouldn’t be an issue that staff have the time to bother about, it’s whether you feel the private school are valid in how they try to enforce discipline in a classroom or not? If you feel it’s over the top considering his challenges then I’d just arrange a meeting at the end of this term if these sort of reports carry on. It’s why private schools aren’t always the best place for those with certain challenges as they are beholden to other paying parents to maintain a particular learning environment. Ps my kid in a state school at this age was getting hit regularly by a Sen student without them notifying us, it’s really tough to consider blowing a raspberry is a phone call home type incident in a private school!

I think you are getting a bit of a hard time over the raspberry blowing, @Notanothermondaymorning. Obviously it is nasty if spit lands on someone's face, and it is behaviour that should be discouraged in and out of the classroom - but thinking back to when my three were 6-year-olds, if the teacher had rung the parents every time a child blew a raspberry at another child, they would never have had a moment to do any actual teaching. I exaggerate, of course, but my point is that blowing raspberries at other children is not abnormal behaviour for children.

If I were you, I'd ask for a meeting with the teacher, to discuss how best to support your child in the class. Start off by saying that you support the teacher in instilling good behaviour in their pupils, and you appreciate that your son's behaviour has fallen short of the mark on several occasions - but explain to the teacher why you think these behaviours are happening (him being overwhelmed by the class noise, especially during free play), and ask if there are strategies that could be put in place to help mitigate this. Maybe there is a quieter part of the classroom that he could go to, during free play, or perhaps the teacher give him some way of letting her know when he is getting overwhelmed by the noise.

How many phone calls have you had @Notanothermondaymorning ?

I'm not sure that the school are expecting you to punish him (although I'm not clear what the school are actually doing about the bad behaviour?), more that they wish to make you aware of what is happening so that you can help your DS change his behaviour.
If he is doing it because he is overwhelmed, then what measures can you teach him to react in a different way? Can you discuss some methods with his teacher? Could he move himself to the book corner or somewhere quiet etc?
I do think these behaviours are unusual in 6yo. There may be a one-off occurrence, but not regularly. You say several phone calls - they've only been back at school a couple of months.
I also think higher standards are expected at a private school. Certainly, other parents are paying for there children to be taught without being disrupted by other students. Whilst the behaviour shown by your Ds is low level, the school won't want it escalating and risk loosing students.

I have seen this video a few times recently and think it shows well how not having the right aids affects deaf kids behaviour. If you don't want to click on links then look for Waterloo Road Luca.

Have you been able to speak with your son to see if he can say what he is finding difficult?

I'm laughing at some of the ridiculous replies on this thread, OP.

However – be mindful that the school aren't building a case to eventually say they can no longer accept a child with 'behavioural issues' in the school. This happened to a friend at our private school, and I have heard through her (since following that she did some research) that it's not uncommon to happen that private school's squeeze out anyone who they don't feel will serve the school's image well.

If it's a fee paying school with strict behaviour standards, that's what they are enforcing - strict behaviour standards! I work somewhere similar (albeit secondary) and kids with SEN or a disability are allowed to remove themselves from situations they find very difficult, but they are not just allowed to misbehave because it's difficult for them to manage. In the junior school what you are describing with the raspberry blowing would probably result in parental contact because it's really unpleasant for the other child. If you are not happy with their standards or the support for your son, you are free to educate him elsewhere. Their approach is probably to maintain good behaviour for the collective and protect the other kids from having to deal with this stuff. That's why their parents are paying. Not all 6 year olds do this.

Ime, ‘managing out’ children with SEN from private schools tends to happen in 2 waves. Children whose SEN has an impact on behaviour are ‘gently’ encouraged to find ‘a setting more suited to their needs’ in Y1 at the latest - the point where formal learning starts and other parents will start talking about the behaviour of a child who isn’t meeting the school’s expectations (obviously if behaviour is more extreme, the managing out is earlier - 4 weeks into Reception for a child with autism is the earliest I recall).

Children whose SEN impacts academic results but not behaviour tend to be managed out around a year before ‘measurable exit points’ - whether 7+ or 11+ - so the school can boast 100% success rates or not include non-selective schools in their leavers’ destination.

The other tactic is to charge parents the full cost of any and all interventions and support, to price them out.

It’s not pretty, or ethical, or right. But it happens.

Hi Op, my experience of Indpendent schools is year 2/3 they aim to have all those ‘out’ who don’t conform. I hope it’s not this but my son is SEN and has 4 current classmates who were asked to leave non SEN Indy’s during or before year 3.
sounds to me like they’re building their ‘sorry but we’ve had to call home x times, it’s clear Y school isn’t suitable’
I hope I’m wrong 😑

That is spot on @cantkeepawayforever

It's cruel, but the best thing you can do as a parent is to listen very very carefully to want they are telling you here.

A friend of mines child has just got kicked out, they obviously worded it differently, they went for 'we cant help him anymore' at the end of year 10. They don't want his gcse results on their name.

Now try and look at it from the point of view from the child he is being unkind to. My child has a child in their class who 3/4 times a week says unkind comments to them, has their blocks pushed over etc they've gone from not being able to wait to get to school as they are so excited, to crying and not wanting to go to a place that someone is constantly going to be unkind. It is heartbreaking to see.

Well done to the school for doing something about it before it gets even worse.