Who is unreasonable, Mil or Ds?

[Maria1979]

So Mil is having DS 11 over. I left some revision for him to do for school. Not something that will be handed in to school, just answering questions to show me so I can see if he's got it or needs more revision. Well, he called me crying telling me to please come and get him because grandma is telling him his writing is awful. Talked to grandma and told her that btw us I didn't care about his writing, just about the facts since it's not a paper to turn in, it's just for me. Also, to no dripfeed, he has always struggled with handwriting but has learnt to write correctly, if not beautifully, so it's something he's quite sensitive about apart from him being a sensitive child.

Mil is angry and says that we indulge him too much and he needs to hear that his handwriting is bad. And in any case he has not to lock himself in the barhroom and call me, it's really rude.
I agree to a certain extent with her but I do think her comment was unnecessary and hurtful. She's not involved with his homework (doesn't know the subject) so if someone should say something it's me. Then again he's overreacting. That's how I feel, would like to hear fellow mums' perspectives..

He doesn't. His handwriting is not bad at all when he makes an effort, which he does in school. This was not to be handed in to school though and he knows I don't care if he writes quickly as long as I understand it.

It’s part of his routine. This may shock some, but some children need routine even if it is a bit of homework and not doing it for several days or an entire week can kill their routine and make it harder for them to get back to it or try to get out of it because they didn’t have to do it during xyz so why do they have to do it now.

My parents nor my in-laws would have reacted this way or been as rude as OP’s MIL, but that’s because they understand how our children are, think education is important and know 30 minutes a day won’t damage their grandchildren.

Yes, the adult choosing to comment on a child’s handwriting knowing the child’s personality and their sensitivity about it is not an issue, the child complaining about it to their mum is the issue. 🙄

So there is a whole range of opinions all from me being abusive to send homework when he's staying 5 days with grandma (which has never been a problem until now) to grandma being evil and abusive for saying his handwriting was awful to DS being ridiculous crying over a remark. It's really interesting to see how our prior experiences tend to interpret scenarious. Someone who can't stand boys being emotional, others who demonize the GM based upon one remark. And judges me severely for portioning out homework so there won't be too much at once.. Some posters are nuanced and try to explain and understand the protagonists different perspectives while others only side with the one they feel closest to due to their experience.

Everything is back to normal. My lovely Mil won't interfer anymore because even though her heart is at the right place she can be a bit plump which is due to her upbringing. DS is sensitive and I'm his safe place and I will never tell him off for calling me when upset so I can help him reason and dedramatize. His school is demanding and I will continue to have him work a little bit everyday rather than piling it up so he gets overwhelmed.

Thank you to everyone for leaving comments. Even though I don't agree with everyone It's been interesting to have different takes on a situation and I try to understand where you are all coming from.🌼

Only multiple choice answers are scanned; extended answers are still read and marked by examiners, so it does need to be at least legible.

Just a thought. Teach him resilience by all means, but please don't ever tell him he's too sensitive. People who are sensitive to criticism tend to also be sensitive and caring to other people's feelings (as you've said yourself) and it's a complete mindfuck being told that sensitivity is bad one moment ("too" sensitive) and good the next (how good it is to be kind and sensitive to others). Just tell him being sensitive is great, and here's how to manage that without getting hurt by people's comments.

I’m not going to comment on anything apart from if he wants to contact his mother he is allowed to do that. Full stop. You might agree with grandma, you might chat to him later about behaviours and other choices, but no one would tell me kids they couldn’t contact me or tell me something. Work with lots of safeguarding though so could be colouring my view!

I wouldn’t be asking an 11 year old to revise for something when he’s not at home. Homework yes maybe if there is no other time and he’s being minded by gran, an older teenager revising for exams yes. But a little boy I’d just be letting him chill at grans.
Is it usual for your child to seem to ‘overreact’ to mild correction and guidance? If it’s not then it sounds like gran was unkind and unnecessarily critical. Even if he did ‘overreact’ that’s potentially a sign something is going with him. You as his mother knows it’s something he’s sensitive about, which is another reason I would probably want to supervise and support him myself rather than expect someone else to and expose him to their scrutiny.

Hi op. We did role play. So we replayed situation that got dc upset.
So would get dc to be grandma and say what she said then I gave him several choices perhaps he could have used to reply to grandma and how he could have expressed himself without getting upset. Or reflected back at dc letting them think how he could have handled situation differently

As well as learning a little resilience, your son needs to be allowed to be a little more independent. He’s in Year 7, not a toddler.
I dislike your references to ‘we’ in relation to his school work. You should be teaching him how to organise his workload and time, not dictating when he does what.
You are setting him up to fail by this over-involvement in his school work. Be a parent, not a nagging school teacher.

Speaking as a DGM who had to get involved in homework, it doesn't end well

Luckily it was eventually knocked on the head

Don't involve her at all with it

Labeling a child as "sensitive" is a red flag to me. A grandmother who makes her GC cry by criticizing them is an awful person, imo. Your son even rang you to come pick him up
I would not let him alone with her again.

My son's handwriting is bad.

He knows.

Keep telling him doesn't alter that!

If she wasn't trying to help in some way then she has upset him for no reason.

OP’s words

Fifth time: did not send work for Mil to supervise or help with. Only stuff he could do by himself. Mil went and had a look and commented.

Nothing to say about feed but I had awful handwriting until I started doing music. The way the paper is lined helps proportion the letters and it only took me one book to get good handwriting

Beautiful handwriting with ink pens was taught in many Grammar schools - Biros were absolutely forbidden 🚫 - no idea why.

When I was at school biros were allowed- those wonderful Bic multicoloured ones were such fun for 📝 notes.

Mum has beautiful handwriting- she was taught to use italics at school.

Handwriting is probably a dying skill as so many use computers now.

A girl in our class had enviably stylish writing at age 8 when she joined our class.

We all tried to copy her ( the girls at least) 🤓
She wrote with a sharp pencil, in a lovely crisp style.

Both of my sons had real difficulties with writing - neither totally neurotypical. One eventually got a dispensation at university to use a computer for answering exam questions. The other had a lot of therapy to improve his fine motor skills with a specialist children's occupational therapist. He can write relatively neatly now if he puts real effort into it. Both of them have degrees and had no trouble taking notes using a laptop. Yes they could still learn the material even if they didn't write it out themselves.

I know my mother worried about their writing. But she kept her worries very much to herself. She would never have gone out of her way to destroy some child's confidence. Her own writing was not good so I think she sympathised and felt somewhat responsible. Strangely, I had excellent writing as a child. One of the problems we discovered with the youngest was that he hadn't been taught properly when younger and had come up with some very odd ways of writing the letters. It was very difficult to make him use the correct strokes as he was used to doing it "his way". The oldest is a fifth year medical student so he maybe found his people.

I have trained many graduates over the years. The thing that works is trying to provide guidance and encouragement. The more you criticise the less confidence the person will have and the more prone to mistakes they'll be. I mean if I suddenly started shrieking at them that they were bad at something and needed to hear it, people would think I'd taken leave of my senses. And I was dealing with people at least 10 years older and tougher than your son.

If I were you, I'd be exceedingly disappointed in my MIL. I wouldn't be leaving my son alone again with her. She sounds quite unstable. Does she have mental health issues?

When Mum was taught to write, there was lined paper to make it easier - it definitely helps.
But as long as it’s legible, without effort, that’s all that matters.

I helped an Australian man decipher some 19th C writing

He was just not used to seeing cursive “Copperplate” type writing

He wanted to decipher an address

What he thought was an IE was in fact an N because of the florid style of the day.

I looked on an old map, and bingo! There it was.

It opened up a new tranche of his research.

Edit: Typos happen with electronic methods of communication 😂

I also have pretty bad handwriting & find some pens/pencils easier than others.

I see nothing wrong with some school work in the holidays. Mind you, my parents were immigrants and education was immensely important to them. My less academic child used to have revision nearly every day of the school holidays (except for Christmas of course). He's not resentful. He knows he would never have got to university without a lot of tutoring over the years. He thinks it was worth it. He had ADHD and recognised he would have to work harder and longer to keep up.

Your MIL

“Can be a bit plump due to her upbringing “

That is quite critical- She could hide in the lavatory weeping down phone to your husband

” Your wife called me PLUMP!”
😭 📱

If MIL genuinely can't read his handwriting, then perhaps his handwriting hasn't improved to a suitable level yet, despite what you think. The quality of whatever he wrote is useless unless it's legible to others. It's a motor skill that can be improved, not an inate trait. My son's handwriting also sucked for a long time (and he was sensitive about it, too) but I kept pushing that its not an emotive topic and now it's at least comprehensible to his teachers.

That said, handwriting will soon be a dead skill due to technology, so realistically it will probably cease to matter the moment he becomes an adult. Also, MIL didn't need to be an ass about it; saying that you're working on it with him should have been enough. Maybe don't give him work to do at her house in future.

My grandsons handwriting is awful because he rushes his work to get back to his Xbox. If he's doing homework at my house then I will (and have) told him it is not neat enough and to start again taking more care.
He sometimes says it doesn't matter, sometimes rolls his eyes and says 'Nan! Why??', but he does it again, without rushing.
If he locked himself in the bathroom and called his dad my son would say that in Nan's house she's the boss so if you are told to do it, just get on with it.
I understand that the homework was not to be handed in, but even in this day and age, legible writing is an important communication tool.
PS, my grandson has many other talents for which he receives before I am labelled as being too negative!

OP I just wanted to say that you sound lovely and like a great mum and your last post is so refreshing to see on MN: thoughtful, not defensive and grateful for all views (even though some are brutal as always!). Glad to see you've been able to talk to your MIL. Hope your son has cheered up x

She's not involved at all as I made clear in pp.