Who is unreasonable, Mil or Ds?

[Maria1979]

So Mil is having DS 11 over. I left some revision for him to do for school. Not something that will be handed in to school, just answering questions to show me so I can see if he's got it or needs more revision. Well, he called me crying telling me to please come and get him because grandma is telling him his writing is awful. Talked to grandma and told her that btw us I didn't care about his writing, just about the facts since it's not a paper to turn in, it's just for me. Also, to no dripfeed, he has always struggled with handwriting but has learnt to write correctly, if not beautifully, so it's something he's quite sensitive about apart from him being a sensitive child.

Mil is angry and says that we indulge him too much and he needs to hear that his handwriting is bad. And in any case he has not to lock himself in the barhroom and call me, it's really rude.
I agree to a certain extent with her but I do think her comment was unnecessary and hurtful. She's not involved with his homework (doesn't know the subject) so if someone should say something it's me. Then again he's overreacting. That's how I feel, would like to hear fellow mums' perspectives..

I suspect that at least one of mine would have had a similar reaction - and I would have gone and fetched him if I could.

Neither of mine coped well with DGP criticism - -and I have no memory of receiving criticism like that from mine. I got a very rare telling off when they were looking after me, yes - but I richly deserved it. I’d like to think I wouldn’t tell a DGC of mine that their handwriting is messy. I’d just try to help with the work if needed.

And I think MIL should think carefully about whether her comments are likely to encourage DS to want to spend much time with her in the future.

If she insisted on saying over and over to him that his handwriting was bad, then MIL is unreasonable and cruel. She is not his teacher, his parent or a judge. IMHO grandparents job is unconditional love with a bit of spoiling thrown in, and if he was staying at MIL for a few nights, then she should keep it fun and happy…not be criticising and upsetting him.

I am assuming that if she was having him for a few nights, that they know each other quite well and she would know he is a sensitive sort..which makes it worse that she made multiple critical comments to him.

In which case grandma is BU. The most important thing is that it's readable so examiners can pass him on things (if he doesn't qualify for adjustments of any sort). Anything else is OTT.

I think you are the unreasonable one for not clearly setting the expectations and way of working. If you delegate a parenting task to someone, you have to expect them to do it their way unless you say otherwise. Sounds like your MIL and DS are experiencing the fallout of your failure to do this.

Yes. Why couldn’t he just go and have grandma time. Too much pressure.

Is this additional work to his school homework? Eugh. Should be out in the fresh air getting some exercise, not doing extra work.

This reaction is indicative of him feeling very stressed, if you ask me. Lay off the poor boy.

Digressing. Get his eyesight checked for convergence. It happened to DS. 20/20 vision on regular eye test. At 14 years old said to school what can we do? He wouldn't write anything. Specialist eye test diagnosed convergence, glasses that made it so much easier. Additionally he had an assessment and was granted extra time and use of a computer for exams.
Good luck.
And yeah tell MiL to butt out. My (D)M had been a teacher and knew everything 🙄🤦‍♀️ and was dreadful to DS about his writing.

Agreed! Extra work in one subject from one parent then additional criticism about something else from a grandparent. Poor boy.

How fast is her typing?
They don't do nearly as much writing these days so it isn't surprising that handwriting standards are not the same as they used to be. As long as it is legible I don't think it matters.

Sounds like a normal grandmother sort of remark to me. Unless she was going on and on or being deliberately spiteful. My grandfather (in my case) would have certainly pulled me up on my handwriting. It's all part of life's rich tapestry and learning how to navigate different people and situations.

I’m a grandmother. Fairly normal, I think 😁 I wouldn’t be so rude.

I suspect it was a convenient excuse for him to stop doing the work.

My brother used to do that if ever asked to do the washing up. Any passing comment from anyone (like is the water hot enough) was a criticism that meant he flounced off and locked himself in the bathroom until it was done by someone else.

Honestly @Maria1979- I’d be inclined to forget the small details of who did what to whom and look at the big picture. The main thing is that Granny doesn’t ruin her good relationship with DS by being harsh and shitty. DS need to realise that locking himself in the bathroom and ringing mum is not going to fill Granny with joy and love.
I would gently and diplomatically point out each them, and then not leave DS with homework to do at Granny’s, or if he has to, tell her for the sake of harmony not to criticise. It’s yours and his teachers job to parent and teach. Granny shouldn’t compromise her relationship with DS over this. Tell them to go back to just enjoying spending time together.

I just wouldn’t have sent him with school work to do. Generational differences were bound to surface. Give him a night off. Homework and revision is a sore point for a lot of kids and often ends up in rows / tears, unfair to burden granny with it.

No parenting task delegated. DS is supposed to work on his own which he always does. I don't want to bother Mil. Please read before commenting.

He absolutely needs to learn resilience because he takes things to heart to easily. Do you have any suggestions? I have tried respiration excercices and mental images to no good...

Possibly, depending on how she put it.
An 11 year old shouldn't be behaving like that though unless she was so nasty she terrified him. My Mum was generally lovely but could be caustic at times so my DC had to have a certain level of toughness to survive her (I wouldn't have tolerated anything too awful) Resilience is a good lesson
And there was really no need for your son to be doing homework at his Grandmas either unless there was a really good reason

She sometimes comes across a bit blunt but her heart is in the right place. And yes, he wants to go there to get away from his autistic brother for a bit.

It's school work. It took him 15 minutes. He tends to get stressed so I prefer for him to do a little bit every day rather than having large chunks at one go.

Thank you. I will follow this advice.

I know this. That's why Mil is not involved in his homework. So far things have gone smoothly but today she decided to have a look and comment.

Thank you all for your sharing your thoughts. I will talk to grandma and tell her to please do not interfer with his homework because she doesn't know what he's supposed to do and it will only lead to arguments. As for my son he needs to learn resilience in general but that is perhaps for another thread. Thank you again.

I’m team DS. I agree with others it was a bit much of you to send him with work that didn’t necessarily need doing, and it must have been doubly annoying for him when his Gran criticised his writing when he struggles with it anyway. He should have been able to express that to you as you are his safe space. If you berate him for it he won’t tell you things in future and if his Gran criticises him in the long run he won’t think of her fondly.

Why are you sending him to granny's with extra work? Isn't it enough he's at school 38 weeks a year plus homework without making him do extra on his holidays? Have school said he's behind? What's the revision for?