Who is unreasonable, Mil or Ds?

[Maria1979]

So Mil is having DS 11 over. I left some revision for him to do for school. Not something that will be handed in to school, just answering questions to show me so I can see if he's got it or needs more revision. Well, he called me crying telling me to please come and get him because grandma is telling him his writing is awful. Talked to grandma and told her that btw us I didn't care about his writing, just about the facts since it's not a paper to turn in, it's just for me. Also, to no dripfeed, he has always struggled with handwriting but has learnt to write correctly, if not beautifully, so it's something he's quite sensitive about apart from him being a sensitive child.

Mil is angry and says that we indulge him too much and he needs to hear that his handwriting is bad. And in any case he has not to lock himself in the barhroom and call me, it's really rude.
I agree to a certain extent with her but I do think her comment was unnecessary and hurtful. She's not involved with his homework (doesn't know the subject) so if someone should say something it's me. Then again he's overreacting. That's how I feel, would like to hear fellow mums' perspectives..

Actually they're allowed to use voice to text or type these days if there's an issue with handwriting and scribes when a computer can't be used.
My ds has both dyslexia and severe hypermobility in his hands which renders his handwriting illegible and is 1 of many who don't have to write to pass exams

I feel sorry for the kid. Mum is giving him unnecessary extra homework and granny is carping about his handwriting.

Right?

I remember seeing a video of a teacher asking Year 1s when you should say something about another person, and when not.

Her rule was "can it be fixed in 60 seconds".

If you say "you have a big spot on your face" can the other person do anything in 60 seconds? No - so dont say anything

If you say "you have jam on your face" can it be fixed in 60 seconds? Yes - so that is fine.

Can your DS change his writing in 60 seconds? No - so it was not her place to say anything. What on earth did she hope to achieve???

If DS reacted that way though - it appears either he wants help as is conscious about it, or he needs to learn resilience.

Is grandma’s point that he doesn’t write in cursive? Ie in the way she was taught? Most schools simply prioritise legibility now.

I know I will be an outlier, but I would tell her to butt out as his writing is none of her business and she should apologise/tell him she spoke out of turn. And she did speak out of turn - telling an 11 year old that their writing is ‘bad’ is not a neutral or constructive comment, is it? Unless grandma recently retired from a secondary teaching career and therefore understands what current norms are, she is not qualified to comment - and if this were the case, I’d hope she’d handle her grandson and former pupils with a little more tact and sensitivity.

However, as his mother, I wouldn’t have sent him with homework that wasn’t required for school anyway, so I’d also be apologising for setting up this situation. If there is an underlying reason for the handwriting issue - mild dyspraxia, adhd etc - then I definitely can understand why he may be sensitive about it and likely to get distressed (and also, again, would not have sent homework with him to grandmas).

The person being most unreasonable was you. If you want to know where he is work wise do it on your time, not MILs
My DD has awful writing and would be upset if her grandparents pointed it out to her (because she already knows, as I'm sure your son does). Has she moaned about your son's writing before? How much did she say to him? I'm also baffled that you and MIL think it's rude for your son to lock himself in the bathroom and call you but it's not rude for her to criticise him,.

They can and do. My son had a requirement for A Level to use computers during the exam. There needs to be a need - the teachers say they can't read his writing - and then history of using computers to take notes. Our 6th form was very accommodating with his exams.

MIL should butt out. His handwriting is absolutely nothing to do with her and it's clear you have worked on it with him. Hypercritical people are awful to be around.

That's the thing, I never ask Mil ti help with homework so I had prepared things for him to do at Mil's. He was working on his own. She just looked at what he was doing because interested.

I’m granny. Ours is still very young but I’d never comment on their writing. Not my place.

Apparantly she insisted on his handwriting several times. I know she loves DGS and she probably thought he should make more of an effort.

He's spending several days at Mils's. Homework max 30 minutes per day so not excessive.

Is he year 6 11 and preparing for something because that does seem excessive

Yes, absolutely. She loves him dearly so ofcourse her intentions were good. But she did insist on his handwriting without knowing that it was just revision.

Haha oh yes. Extremely sensitive but also extremely empathetic and kind.

Yes, it's readable. It's been a couple of years since he had remarks from teachers.

You keep saying she 'insisted on his handwriting'. What does that even mean?

Year 7. They got tests coming up and I make him work maximum 30 minutes per day in order to play videogames. My mil said it took him 15 minutes. He can choose to do no revision but then there are no videogames so guess what he prefers.

She insisted on his handwriting being awful.

If she phrased it like that ("awful") then she's very rude and should be apologising to him.

Your asking work to be completed on grandmas watch. Of course she is going to look to make sure he is doing said work.

You'd son is being dramatic and actually so are you. Grandma good enough to look after him for 'several days' but not good enough to say anything about the work.

You can't have it both ways.

I don't think he was rude for locking himself in the bathroom. Mil said it was rude. I think it was a bit immature but he had his feelings hurt. I had prepared questions for him on subjects we already revised so just repeating things he already knows (or should know).

Well, he's always done it on his own without incidents so far. And she doesn't need to supervise anything, that's exactly what I don't want because I don't want to give her extra work. It's btw him and me and until today no problems.

To be fair she knows he can write better than that, otherwise it would have been cruel. But he knows that as long as it's readable I don't care if it's pretty. He makes an effort in school that's good enough for me whereas grandma thought he ought to always make an effort.

He writes in cursive and it's readable. It's required by school to know your lessons (3 tests coming up) so I made him revise that. I didn't make stuff up.

Her just saying "can you try to do your writing neater" would be fine, but the whole needing to hear its "bad" and that you indulge him shows a completely different attitude.

Does he generally enjoy seeing her alone/is it essential that he does for childcare reasons or can you do more family meet ups in future?

Otherwise if things like this keep happening he's not likely to have much relationship with her longer term.