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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents visits too much

82 replies

Bakergirl987 · 23/10/2024 15:16

i have one two year old son, I work two days a week and we have a really busy schedule with classes and play dates. Both sets of grandparents expect us to bring ds to their houses twice a week to see him and on at least one of these visits expect us to stay for a few hours. My issue is no one ever comes down to visit him in our home the visits always have to be in their houses I can’t remember the last time any family came down to see him. I’m trying to do all the housework and all the dinners by myself and really can’t accommodate this anymore. The pressures getting too much to try and keep everyone happy and if he doesn’t come they’ll be complaining they haven’t seen him in however long. Am I being unreasonable to think they should make an effort to come and see him which would allow me to do other stuff in the background or is it normal to always have to go visit grandparents. They all like to brag about how much they love him and portray them self as grandparents of the year when in reality I don’t know how long they would go without seeing him without the convenience of him being brought to them

OP posts:
HesusCuckingFrist · 23/10/2024 15:17

Wheres the dad in all this?

Original poster
Bakergirl987 · 23/10/2024 15:19

He works during the week and could be working until 7 some nights so at the weekend we like to go for day trips etc and would rather not spend the weekends visiting family.

OP posts:
liverpudcounsel · 23/10/2024 15:20

Don’t go to them when it doesn’t work for you and your son. If you continue to go to them they have no reason to make the trip themselves.

PrueRamsay · 23/10/2024 15:21

Why are you so bothered if they complain?

You need to give fewer fucks.

WellHelloScottie · 23/10/2024 15:21

You're going to have to tell them. Say that it's too much for you.

If they want to see him, they need to visit you, maybe once a week. How about they take your ds out to the park or to one of the playdates, for example?

nutbrownhare15 · 23/10/2024 15:21

Decide how often you want to take him to them. I'd suggest one visit per fortnight to each household would be more than fair. Explain to them, and get your husband to explain to the in laws that this is all you can cope with and if they want to see him more they need to arrange to visit you. Send this in a text message and every time they moan re send the text message.

Toomanyemails · 23/10/2024 15:24

You explain to your parents, husband explains to his. Do they feed you and DS when you visit? Have you asked them to come to you instead, or eg to take DS to one of his activities or playdates?
Don't let their complaining be your problem, set your boundaries.

HesusCuckingFrist · 23/10/2024 15:25

Bakergirl987 · 23/10/2024 15:19

He works during the week and could be working until 7 some nights so at the weekend we like to go for day trips etc and would rather not spend the weekends visiting family.

So he needs to communicate that with his family and you to yours. You only work 2 days a week on the other 3 week days can you visit them then? Or specifically invite them to yours.

ladyofshertonabbas · 23/10/2024 15:26

Just say 'I can't come on x day, I have too much housework to do, can you come to mine?' In a dream world, they'd come to you and spend time with him so you can get stuff done.

Snorlaxo · 23/10/2024 15:26

I hope that none of the grandparents are divorced because that would be 4 days a week on grandparents visits.

I would be telling them what is convenient (eg once a week) and telling them to travel to you at least 50% of the time.

So what if they complain ? 🤷‍♀️ It sounds like they wouldn’t be happy even if you saw them 7 days a week.

UrbanFan · 23/10/2024 15:28

For goodness sake if it's not convenient just say so. Invite them to come to you instead if that suits you better. Stop whining and do something about it.

BabyCloud · 23/10/2024 15:35

Tell them you are busy and can’t visit. Or tell them they are welcome to come over on X day at X time so you can crack on with housework while they are over.

AgainandagainandagainSS · 23/10/2024 15:35

If they are this lazy they won't agree to it, but why don't they take him to some of of his classes while you stay home and get jobs done/work etc. Best of both worlds, you get time away and they get to see the kid.

No doubt this would be waaaay above them.

thepariscrimefiles · 23/10/2024 15:37

Is that two visits a week per each set of grandparents, i.e. four visits per week? That sounds a lot.

Just don't do it and when they complain, say that they can come and visit you if they like? Are both sets of grandparents retired?

WhatNoRaisins · 23/10/2024 15:42

Given that your life is busier they need to fit in with you. It's ok to say no to a visit and twice a week is more than many grandparents.

MrSeptember · 23/10/2024 15:42

So you have three days with your son but you're spending what - two of those just shuffling between grandparents? God, that sounds horrendous.

Tell them no. Suggest they join you at soft play or music group or whatever. Invite them to yours if you want. But you don't have to facilitate this.

Coconutter24 · 23/10/2024 15:46

Just let them know what you said in your OP. Visiting grandparents 4 times a week is quite a lot if you have a busy life

SatinHeart · 23/10/2024 15:47

I'm guessing they live quite close if 2x visits a week is even an option, in which case you need to insist they come to you some of the time. Even if they get pissed off to start with. Stand firm.
My DCs grandparents aren't local so they see them for one weekend every 8 weeks on average. You need to manage their expectations more firmly.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 23/10/2024 15:51

YANBU to want this to change, but perhaps you are being unreasonable to keep doing something that isn't manageable for you, without taking the initiative to change it?
Consider all your options. Would it work to drop DS off to the grandparents and collect him later? Would you prefer to tell them this arrangement isn't working but you'd like them to come to you, or that contact needs cutting down to once a fortnight?
Maybe they will give you a hard time but maybe not. They may not have thought what it's like from your point of view and be keen to help. Also they want to see their grandson and can only do it with your consent, so you are the one in the stronger position.

Mrsttcno1 · 23/10/2024 15:56

Since having my daughter I’ve always had the stance with everyone that if we’re at home then door is always open for anyone who wants to come round, but if they want me to take her to see them then I’ll let them know when I’m able to do that.

I do still take her to grandparents/aunt/family but when it works for us, rather than having to carve out half a day 3 days a week to take her to houses where we have none of our usual things, no toys, no prep machine etc, it’s a hassle I simply cba with multiple times a week.

YouveGotAFastCar · 23/10/2024 15:56

That's far too much contact. They're only complaining about it because they're used to it. Just stop going. It doesn't work for you now, and it won't in the future when your little one starts preschool/school either.

Decide how often you're willing to go - once a fortnight or month seems pretty standard - and then stop going more than that. They'll moan a bit and then fill their time with something else.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 23/10/2024 15:58

1 visit a fortnight each as a visit on x day. They are welcome to come to yours on y day however you and DC are exhausted and tired and would like to stay home. If they complain remind them the road to their house runs in both directions

that sounds exhausting and the grandparents aren’t being fair to you so stand up for yourself and your DC

RedToothBrush · 23/10/2024 16:00

I voted YABU because you need to learn to say no, rather than being a doormat and people pleaser. You are in control here. Start being assertive because you will need to learn this as part of parenting too anyway.

MrsSunshine2b · 23/10/2024 16:02

I voted YANBU but YABU for going along with it for so long.

Just say no, sorry, we're busy. If you would like to see GS you can visit on this day at this time.

Or if they'd like to commit to babysitting for one of your work days, you can arrange that.

User100000000000000000001 · 23/10/2024 16:16

PrueRamsay · 23/10/2024 15:21

Why are you so bothered if they complain?

You need to give fewer fucks.

Just this. This is your family now, put some boundaries in place. You're doing way too much for them

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