Grandparents visits too much

[Bakergirl987]

i have one two year old son, I work two days a week and we have a really busy schedule with classes and play dates. Both sets of grandparents expect us to bring ds to their houses twice a week to see him and on at least one of these visits expect us to stay for a few hours. My issue is no one ever comes down to visit him in our home the visits always have to be in their houses I can’t remember the last time any family came down to see him. I’m trying to do all the housework and all the dinners by myself and really can’t accommodate this anymore. The pressures getting too much to try and keep everyone happy and if he doesn’t come they’ll be complaining they haven’t seen him in however long. Am I being unreasonable to think they should make an effort to come and see him which would allow me to do other stuff in the background or is it normal to always have to go visit grandparents. They all like to brag about how much they love him and portray them self as grandparents of the year when in reality I don’t know how long they would go without seeing him without the convenience of him being brought to them

You can always say no! You need to grow a pair!

1. Your partner needs to be contributing something to the housework and cooking. You will feel a lot less stressed when it is not all on you. You are presumably caring for your son when he is working full time hours during the week. It is incredibly draining caring for a two year old and unless you lock them in a cage and ignore their screams it is very difficult to get stuff done while supervising them.
2. Could you suggest to your parents and PILs that you visit one another for dinner on an alternating basis once per week? This alleviates you of the need to cook a meal one week and then the next they can arrive to play with your DS while you cook in peace.

Is this the only grandchild for both sets of grandparents @Bakergirl987 ? This could explain the bizarre, obsessive behaviour - expecting you to visit both sets of grandparents twice a week. That is absolutely ludicrous! Even if you didn't work 2 days a week it would be a bit much.

I worked two days a week when my 2 were little and I did use to pop in to see my mom and dad a couple of times a week for half an hour to an hour, (and DH's once a week,) but my parents lived 10 minutes walk away (and DH's a 10 minute drive,) and it wasn't a problem and they didn't really expect it. They were just pleased to see us when we turned up.

It was MY choice to go. (DH came with me and the DC to his parents, but sometimes I would go alone with them and stay an hour. He didn't come often with me to my parents, maybe one in four times, but I didn't mind, and they didn't either.) Someone demanding visits would be stressful.

My two DC are now around 30 - and neither of them have had children yet. To be honest, I'll be over the moon when/if they do. but also, I don't mind if they never have them. It's really hard to explain. I just want them to do what makes them happy.

I just really hope I don't turn into an obsessive Granny! Even as it is, I only see my 2 DC twice a month. (They live 15-20 miles away.) We Whatsapp each other a couple of times a week though, and will always be around if needed/in an emergency! But they've got really busy professional lives and very busy social lives.

I think when/if they have babies they'll still have those busy professional lives and busy social lives. And then have the baby on top. So I will try not to bother too much - them unless they need me.

I'm sorry that your parents and in-laws are making you feel like this. You need to be really strong and say 'we're only coming to see you once a week.' (Even once a fortnight would be enough tbh.) Also, do you really want them to visit you more? Stuck at your house for hours on end? I prefer to visit people because then I can leave when I want. It's really hard to get rid of people when they come and see you.

Do they ever babysit your child? Have them at their house with you not there?

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👆

What dgp expect and what is practical for you are different obviously. You must set the rules going forward.
They can fit in. Or not see dgs. Choice is theirs.
I would be saying
Dear gps,I'm sure you will understand. I am struggling to juggle work and the house and activities for dc and visits to you. Can you perhaps visit us here as we love to see you and dgc adores his time with you
Maybe you would enjoy coming with me to one of his activities with a view to taking him yourselves to give me a break. Going forward these are the possible dates and times convenient to us. Let me know. Looking forward to seeing you soon.

Just tell them you are too busy with work and your child to bring him for visits. However you are free at home on X day at X time for two hours each week if they would like to pop in and see him then.

If they won’t come, their choice. If they do, you can leave him with him while you get on with the laundry.

It’s not your sole job to facilitate their relationship - the GPs need to get off their bottoms and come to you. And your DH can also take them to one or other GP once a month on a weekend afternoon. He’s a parent too.

Is there a practical reason they can't visit you ? ( when convenient)

Say no.
Stop doing it.
If they're that bothered with seeing you / your child / your family unit - then they will come to you.

They are used to it because it's been happening; and are expecting it - just because they expect it doesn't mean you need to facilitate it.

IF YOU want too - suggest they all come for dinner / lunch on a Sunday to you - get them to bring something with them - you don't have to leave your home & if they refuse that's on them.

Once a week is a lot - anymore than that is excessive IMO.

Also dad needs to do something about his families expectations of you both.

If they refuse your offer to come over - that's on them - and well you'll see how long they'd be prepared to go without seeing your son - that's again; on them.

Just tell them it’s too much. Once a week if you can manage it is fine, much more than many.

I see people the same amount as I did before we had kids! I am busier now then I was pre-kids - 10x laundry and tidying needed before I can even clean! And you also need weekends free to do fun things and have a rest! Grandparents need to lower their expectations. I would just tell them that you are busy and you will see them at X date and slowly start increasing the gap between visits.

If they want to see him they need the come to your house at least half the time. No way would I be allowing grandparents (or anyone) to dictate that I visited them both at there houses so many times a week. Personally I would be scaling through visits back to. The older he gets the more time constraints you will have (pre school nursery, school, parties etc ) if you have other kids then time is even more limited.

Is there any reason why they can't come to you. They could then play with your son so you can get things done when they are there. Thats what I did then I could spend quality time with the kids as I got all the jobs done while my mum and dad were at mine.

I can't remember the last time my son went to his grandads house.
My dad comes to my house every Saturday, takes my son out for a walk for approximately 2 to 3 hours. Then spends about an hour or so with all of us before going home. No hassle whatsoever. I get some time to myself. Grandad gets to see my son and grandad is welcome to stay as long as he wants or leave when he has had enough.

Just say no, but you are welcome to pop over Saturday but his nap time starts at noon.

If they complain about you not visiting then just say the journey works both ways.

So if you are going to see the in laws in the week and dh is at work, when is he seeing his parents? I would tell them it's too much in the week doing all this visiting and that you will go once a week from now on and every other weekend see dh family for an hour or two your family the other week.

I think parents forget how busy life is with a little one. You need to remind them! Then tell them that they can visit and look after their grandchild at x time. But you need to get on whilst they are there too .

2 times a week for each pair of grandparents is extreme even if they visited you. Cut it to 1 and get them to visit you- when you are free!

I’m guessing you’ve agreed to this because it comes with a perk - eg meals / childcare / bathtimes? If that still benefits you then reduce the classes (toddlers don’t really need them). If it doesn’t then tell both sets of gp you don’t have time to visit any more and stop it all.

It really depends on their situation - are they fit and healthy and mobile? do they have easy access to commute to you? i am in similar situation but i know that i have a car and the ride is 7 minutes by car and they don’t have one, and using public transport makes it a 40 min journey, so i am more than happy to get to them myself. it might be worth start discussing the idea of leaving the child there to run an earned, trial it with small errand first and then it can become a drop off thing and you get a few hours to yourself. its very beneficial for your child to maintain that connection and you must be a little be reasonable and take into account other factors before being annoyed by it eg their overall health and physical ability to get to you.

My maternal grandmother used to come over once a week after work when I was very small, my parents loved it as she’d spend the whole time playing with me giving them some space to do chores/chill out. My other grandparents didn’t really visit much, we always went to them. Which meant we didn’t see them anywhere near as often. I wonder which one of these your parents/in-laws would prefer to be to your child? Unless they are very elderly there’s no reason they can’t make the effort at least some of the time.

@LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway my eldest two dc are about 30 and both have a dc. Dd1 lives over 100 miles away but she is doing her best to ensure both gps have a relationship with her dc (first gc for ils). Dd2 lives about 20 miles away and she is so busy we only rarely see her dc. She did recently complain that her dc wasn't comfortable with either set of gps but she doesn't make it easy. She works full time and gc is at nursery. At weekends they are always doing things. I don't even see gc once every 6 weeks even though I'm happy to visit or babysit (gc is 2 and a half). Growing up they saw my parents very regularly and my 4dc adore them. As you say it is a special relationship.

Honestly I just find most of these grandparents and MIL posts unbelievable. Just talk to them reasonably, non confrontationally, , tell them as it is ,and sort it mutually. It's not what we all think it's what you can make worth. ( both MIL and Grandparent speaking here btw.)

Just stop all that. I have been NC with my mother in law for 5 years , even though she was in daily contact with her precious son, my word was taken as a command

….(you don’t have to make everyone happy.) This is your child, you get to do things your way and it’s totally okay if that doesn’t align with what they want. I wouldn’t even make a big deal of this at all, I would simply stop going so often. Once a fortnight? Once a month? Whatever works. Same goes for if they suddenly want to descend on you all the time when you start visiting less. Set boundaries and don’t feel bad about it.

That. Do you ever invite them?

Take the initiative, and if every time you invite them they say they can't come to you, they can't complain that they don't see you.