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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have had enough of partner replying 'Obviously' instead of 'yes'?

89 replies

JennaRink · 21/10/2024 22:47

My partner is foreign from another country in Europe but his grasp of the English language is very good.

So I've noticed he has this annoying quirk where you'll ask him something and instead of replying 'yes' he'll reply 'obviously' or 'yes, obviously.' I've told him it comes off as rude and sarcastic, and all he needs to say is yes.

I've seen him do the same with 'of course' instead of yes, except he tends to catch himself if it's in a shop or something/in public as though he does realize it's off.

It always reminds me of this clip from Downton Abbey where the waiter says 'obviously' and gets told off for being rude!

OP posts:
Original poster
JennaRink · 21/10/2024 22:56

Anyway I've told him it's rude twice now and he still does it. How can I get through to him?

I'm trying to imagine him speaking to his boss this way and I'm doubtful, so to me it feels disrespectful. I just can't understand why he has to do it.

OP posts:
Suzuki70 · 21/10/2024 23:04

Rather than say it's rude (this doesn't have much impact on me to be honest, as it's subjective) I would ask him why it's obvious. Point out why yes or no would be possible options. It'll soon annoy him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/10/2024 23:05

I think it's picky to make the second language speaker use the exact phrasing you think is right.

I used to get so tired speaking my second language, even when pretty fluent. It takes thought all the time. Do you speak his language?

Original poster
JennaRink · 21/10/2024 23:06

@Suzuki70 I've been replying 'its not obvious.' He then says nothing back.

But it really makes me bristle.

I find it interesting that you find it subjective rather than rude. To me, it assumes I should already know the answer and am an idiot for asking.

OP posts:
MinnieOfThePinny · 21/10/2024 23:07

he tends to catch himself if it's in a shop or something/in public as though he does realize it's off.

There’s your answer. He knows and should not do it to you.

MiraculousLadybug · 21/10/2024 23:07

I'd be tempted to do it back to him.

Original poster
JennaRink · 21/10/2024 23:08

@MrsTerryPratchett No. His language is not commonly spoken or learned by English speakers but I do plan to learn it.

We live in the UK so he speaks English all the time. He is basically fluent apart from a few small things - this is why I find it hard to believe he doesn't know what a polite reply is and isn't. I could be wrong though, this could be a blind spot!

OP posts:
Original poster
JennaRink · 21/10/2024 23:08

MiraculousLadybug · 21/10/2024 23:07

I'd be tempted to do it back to him.

Ooh. There's an idea.

OP posts:
CatherinedeBourgh · 21/10/2024 23:09

Sometimes even if you speak a language very well, there are things that you translate from your mother tongue and which are slightly off in the second language. But it's hard not to do them as they feel natural in the mother tongue.

Mnetcurious · 21/10/2024 23:10

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/10/2024 23:05

I think it's picky to make the second language speaker use the exact phrasing you think is right.

I used to get so tired speaking my second language, even when pretty fluent. It takes thought all the time. Do you speak his language?

It’s not about asking them to use exact phrasing, it’s about asking them to not frequently use one specific phrase that comes across as rude or sarcastic, thereby making the op feel somewhat affronted.

Tumbler2121 · 21/10/2024 23:11

Could just be a conversational tic … my SIL says “you know” just about every other sentence. A guy I worked with kept saying “Basically”. When I mentioned it to him he changed it to “fundamentally”!

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/10/2024 23:12

CatherinedeBourgh · 21/10/2024 23:09

Sometimes even if you speak a language very well, there are things that you translate from your mother tongue and which are slightly off in the second language. But it's hard not to do them as they feel natural in the mother tongue.

This. I was basically fluent but there are little quirks in word order and meaning.

I'd try to work out why you get angry, when you don't think he means anything by it. Or do you? He catches himself in shops, but he does it before he catches himself, right? In which case he is just more relaxed with you.

Original poster
JennaRink · 21/10/2024 23:13

@Tumbler2121 This made me laugh!

He says obviously or of course. God knows what else he could have up his sleeve!

OP posts:
ToyFace · 21/10/2024 23:15

I can think of at least one language where saying obviously for yes would not be considered rude but on the contrary can sound quite affectionate.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/10/2024 23:15

ToyFace · 21/10/2024 23:15

I can think of at least one language where saying obviously for yes would not be considered rude but on the contrary can sound quite affectionate.

Yes, more like an emphatic agreement than sarcastic.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/10/2024 23:16

Certo in Italian. For example.

Deadbeatex · 21/10/2024 23:17

Anyone else just hear Professor Snape?

ToyFace · 21/10/2024 23:17

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/10/2024 23:15

Yes, more like an emphatic agreement than sarcastic.

Show quote history

Yes or based on the context it could mean yes, no problem.

Original poster
JennaRink · 21/10/2024 23:19

Deadbeatex · 21/10/2024 23:17

Anyone else just hear Professor Snape?

Oh God. I didn't even think of this!

This is probably the root cause of my annoyance 😅

OP posts:
Suzuki70 · 21/10/2024 23:21

JennaRink · 21/10/2024 23:06

@Suzuki70 I've been replying 'its not obvious.' He then says nothing back.

But it really makes me bristle.

I find it interesting that you find it subjective rather than rude. To me, it assumes I should already know the answer and am an idiot for asking.

I said "rude" is subjective. I've been told I was "rude" before by people who just didn't want to hear my point! So you telling him that may just make him think you don't like it and that's your opinion.

Original poster
JennaRink · 21/10/2024 23:21

The issue is though I've said twice I find it rude. Instead of taking it on board he keeps doing it. Maybe I need to say 'do you understand why this is rude?'

As I mentioned, he caught himself doing it in a. shop recently. He said 'of course' and then went 'oh ha ha, I mean yes, why would it be of course' (because it was a question - like all the bloody questions I ask him!)

OP posts:
Minnie2012 · 21/10/2024 23:23

ToyFace · 21/10/2024 23:15

I can think of at least one language where saying obviously for yes would not be considered rude but on the contrary can sound quite affectionate.

^ this. In my DH's first language, 'no' is used as a sort of filler/sentence starter...used to drive me nuts when he would start a sentence with 'no' then continue by agreeing with me!

AutumnCrow · 21/10/2024 23:25

Some European langues don't have words for yes and no, and speakers learn and get used to 'echo responses' in their first (native) languages. It's fascinating.

Original poster
JennaRink · 21/10/2024 23:26

@AutumnCrow one person's fascinating is another's maddening...

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 21/10/2024 23:28

Do you actually think he's being rude? Deliberately. Or do you just think he sounds rude?

Those are two very different things. And only the first one deserves any annoyance on your part. Unless you are just getting tired of him and it's leaking out this way (the ick).

I used to say certo, siccuro, da vero and similar in Italian. Portuguese, Spanish, French have similar words that people use rather than 'yes'. It's not rude at all. I assume that's what he's 'translating' in his head.