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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that £100...

119 replies

frootloop · 24/04/2008 13:16

isn't much to buy myself a whole new after pregnancy wardrobe, dh seems to think so.

i dont want to sound like a WAG but i really have nothing to wear except jogging bottoms.

none of my pre-pregnancy clothes or underwear fit anymore as they are too small and all my maternity stuff is winter wear and the underwear is too big now, i feel like a total frump and have no self esteem with my saggy baby belly.

i looked on marks and spencer website and with £100 i could buy

1 summer dress
2 nice bras
1 pack of tights
3 packs of knickers

am i being really ungrateful or is dh being tightfisted (he earns more than enough to give more and he buys himself whatever he likes whenever he likes)

OP posts:
foxythesnowfox · 28/04/2008 16:47

Frootloop - Primark jeans are quite low-slung, mine saw me through pre -ante and post pg. H&M do a good line. And why not ask on here? Lots of people have things to give away which have barely been worn.

I wouldn't want to spend much on mat wear because you don't wear it for that long, so I'd tend to go for quantity rather than quality as I do get sick of it by the end of the PG.

WilfSell · 28/04/2008 16:58

if I were you lot, I would:

  1. start squirreling money away into an account he knows nothing about
  2. earn some money myself for this purpose, even if only a tiny bit
  3. immediately find out everything you can about the family finances and the mortgage etc
  4. get your name on all the mortgage/house documents
  5. make sure you have access to the joint account immediately. Anyone who has to ask for money is totally a doormat disempowered
  6. book an appointment at Relate to have it out in front of a referee
  7. recognise that your situation is not normal and is serious
  8. and if you're not actually married and in this situation, see a solicitor
Original poster
frootloop · 28/04/2008 17:03

its after pregnancy stuff i need. i couldnt face hipster jeans, i need old lady, up to the armpit waist jeans and one of those JML body control things.

OP posts:
MrsMattie · 28/04/2008 17:03

You can strecth £100 quite far, but I still think it's unrealistic to expect it to buy a whole maternity wardrobe. DH has bunged me £500 and I'm probably going to whack another £200-300 on my credit card on top of that. pregnant women need clothes!

Listen to WillSelf, too. Well, I don't think you're a doormat, but I do think it's dangerous to end up so reliant on a man for money, especially one who is using money to control you.

AmIWhatAndWhy · 28/04/2008 17:06

So many people have posted unhelpful comments after not reading the op, or the responses to the op.

Original poster
frootloop · 28/04/2008 17:07

is it really serious enough for relate? that seems a bit drastic, plus i doubt dh would agree to go anyway.

OP posts:
MrsMattie · 28/04/2008 17:08

Dunno if you're referring to me, but I've read the whole thread and stand by what I said.

AmIWhatAndWhy · 28/04/2008 17:10

But the op isn't pregnant.

Plus in my world, £800 is a lot to spend on maternity wear!

MrsMattie · 28/04/2008 17:13

Pregnant or post-baby, £100 isn't a lot to buy 'a whole wardrobe' (as the OP said). Regardless of the amount, anyway, it's sad that she is waiting for handouts from her husband, without any negotiation or discussion about how they spend their money.

Also - different people spend different amounts on clothes.
I don't think £700-800 is a huge amount for a year's worth of clothing (including shoes). I appreciate not everyone can afford that. Likewise, many people spend a lot more than that.

meemar · 28/04/2008 17:20

There are two separate issues.

It is achievable to get a new wardrobe for £100 with some good bargain hunting. Many people on low incomes manage on less.

But if you can afford more and your DH is refusing to give you money then there is a problem. You should not have to ask for money. His bank accounts should not be secret from you. Your marriage is a partnership and if only one person is earning money then that money is shared money.

If trying to discuss an important part of your relationship makes him angry and causes arguements then I don't think relate is too drastic to consider.

Quattrocento · 28/04/2008 17:26

WTF is all this about wives being given pin money and being held accountable for it like they are some kind of chattels

Tis monstrous

All this stuff about what your DHs will and will not allow

Good grief

Original poster
frootloop · 28/04/2008 17:27

it normally makes him angry when i bring it up when he is already irate, such as when his stupid computer isnt working or he's had a crap day at work.

its not that he refuses, more a case of he can get his wardrobe off ebay for £100 so i should be able to as well i prefer to try stuff on and know it fits.

OP posts:
PosieParker · 28/04/2008 17:28

No it's not at all.

Quattrocento · 28/04/2008 17:32

Fruit - is there any chance of you working? maybe just part-time? it is not easy to be independent without economic independence - the dependency here really sounds worrying

littleducks · 28/04/2008 17:34

a couple of people have mentioned a m and s sale, online there is no sale, is there sale stuff in stores or did i miss it?

i also need post baby clothes, i do fit into my tops (not long gap between babies) but none of them are easy access for breastfeeding as they are all bum covering instead! i have also developed thunder thighs and my waist has moved! any skirts are short as i have to hoik them up! good luck shopping am dreading the changing room thing.

WilfSell · 28/04/2008 17:37

'is it serious enough for relate?'

fruitloop, you keep telling us he says he will do stuff to sort the money out, including just recently after you'd resolved on here to sort it out. He didn't. You then tell us he gets angry when you discuss it. And he controls everything financial.

Yes. That IS serious enough for Relate. Hopefully you can find another way of resolving it. I do think you should resolve it. But I don't think you will, reading between the lines of your previous posts.

Original poster
frootloop · 28/04/2008 17:38

i have got dhs credit card in my purse, should i be naughty and buy a boden dress???

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 28/04/2008 17:41

Just how old are you? Being "naughty"!!! What on earth is this all about? It sounds more like an adult-child relationship than anything else. I mean it also sounds as though this is what you both want so that is fine obv.

PosieParker · 28/04/2008 17:43

Controlling money is a form of domestic abuse and cannot be ignored, having just read the rest of the thread I would be having the child benefit paid into my account. I am good position finacially as I have quite a large sum per month for emergencies and bits of shopping, plus child benefit and I have my dp's card for everything else. No joint account as I was a bad student and would ruin the credit score!!!

Original poster
frootloop · 28/04/2008 17:43

willself, it doesnt seem that big a problem in RL, it does look bad when its all written down like this.
i suppose i just got used to it as i didn't have any "rights" to his money before we married and we just carried on the same when we did. it was when ds arrived that i really decided to put my foot down.

OP posts:
Original poster
frootloop · 28/04/2008 17:47

god quattrocento, it was just a jokey comment.

OP posts:
WilfSell · 28/04/2008 17:48

I know fruitloop, it always does look worst written down but still, it shouldn't continue like this. There are lots of other ways to do things. For example his salary could go into a joint account to cover bills and then two amounts could go out from there into your individual accounts for you each to spend.

If he believes his money is his, then you have a problem. You then have two choices; try to get him to understand that you are a partnership and you do your bit at home; or appreciate he might not change and develop financial independence.

PosieParker · 28/04/2008 17:53

Frootloop you're right it does look bad written down, but if there was nothing in it it couldn't could it?
I can't imagine asking my dp for 'his' money, it's ours and only when I go a bit crazy spending or we're buying something big does he ever say anything. Obviously it's our money so we both have a responsibility to look after it.
As for jokey comments I'd get down to Mamas and Papas I bought a lovely pair of jeans that can be folded up (£35) A couple of stappy tops (£8 each) a pair of linen trousers (£25) a wrap over cardigan (£18) and then online to Isabella Oliver or push maternity with his card and spend, spend, spend!!!

Original poster
frootloop · 28/04/2008 18:04

wilfsell should put my glasses on.

i said all that stuff about partnership etc to him the other day and he agreed, i think its like i said in an earlier post that he is terrified of living in poverty again and wants to know how every penny is spent, he doesnt like the idea of me messing up his financial plans, thats why he dragging his feet over putting my name on the accounts.

OP posts:
blueshoes · 28/04/2008 18:05

frootloop, would echo others in saying that you should try to work - and save up some assets of your own. You married a man who uses money to control. The only surefire way to protect yourself and dcs is to gain some measure of financial independence.

My mother was asked to give up work by my father. She saved as much of her housekeeping allowance as she could. Today, coupled with her canny investments, she has more assets than my father - who did not bother to save. HE goes to her for money now, to fund a big purchase.