To not invite my parents' siblings to my child's wedding

[userzerozerozero]

I need to sanity check my thinking. My son is getting married, large wedding, no budget constraints fortunately. Long back story but I am NC with my own sibling and my parents have not been supportive of me over this however I still have a relationship with them and see them regularly. Our relationship is not positive and my MH around them is terrible. I come from a background where family is everything and there is a lot of pressure to do the right thing in terms of inviting wider family to significant events though I have broken rules around this many times in the past.

My mother's brother and family have been very supportive of me through the ups and downs of my decision around breaking ties with my sibling and have offered support and advice when needed while still remaining close with my parents. They are lovely to my son but they are not close with them IFYSWIM.

Now my son is getting married and we've decided as a family not to invite my uncle and aunt mostly at the request of my son and his partner as they want more friends and a younger vibe. Deep down I'm wondering whether I've gone along with this to punish my parents in a way. My uncle will be deeply disappointed but they won't make a fuss. AIBU to just go along with it knowing my parents will be upset and potentially my uncle as well?

OP doesn't want to control the wedding. She simply wants to ask if two family members can come. There will have been a a massive number of decisions, both large and small around this wedding. This is a tiny one, and OP has not shown any indication that she's interfered in any way in the others.

In addition to the friends she's already inviting? Perhaps she could swap some of these friends for the uncle if she feels so strongly?

If you are paying then you decide.
If the bride and groom want to decide who comes and who doesn’t, then they pay for it themselves.

I don't agree that you get to decide things if you pay. But I do think that the bride and groom should be appreciative enough to allow the person who's shelled out tens of thousands of pounds for them, to be able to make a single small request (or even a couple).

And they have made requests, the op has said she has people coming. Maybe the ds doesn't even like the great uncle who he never sees, we don't know.

The OP has said they're not wanted because they're too old. I don't see how this can be a nice reason for not inviting.

That’s her assumption. She hasn’t actually asked.

Went through this with our son's wedding. His wife let me invite four people who weren't family. My son didn't invite any relatives other than his grandparents (one of whom couldn't be arrsed to even RSVP). The bulk of the invites were the couples friends and somehow the brides mother got to invite all and sundry. The four that I invited were my best friend and her husband (who my kids consider their real auntie) and a coworker of mine that they both liked. I wanted to invite one other couple but was told they had to keep the numbers down.

Our son paid for the reception meal and building. We paid for the alcohol and second supper. So, roughly 50% of the wedding.

The marriage lasted six months.

I would ask them. Just say how lovely your uncle has been to you, and it would mean a lot. If it's a big wedding, an extra couple of people won't affect the vibe. Your uncle being so supportive with this conflicted family sounds lovely.

As someone who also has complex family and some NC situations, the relatives who have supported me mean the world. I would explain that to your son.

I've voted YABU because it isn't your wedding so the guest list is none of your business really. It's for your son and his partner to decide, which they have so that's that.

it's up to the people getting married who is invited. it's out of your hands.

Invite them

I hope you son has enough imagination to think how he will feel when he becomes too old, too unattractive, too uncool to merit an invite to what society generally regards as a family focussed event.

Insulting and rude would be my words.

If the bride and groom see these decisions as just their own then I would expect they should also not rely on family for any contribution to the wedding, to childcare, to housing, or by way of inheritance from anyone. In other words, they are on their own on all levels. This is an event that is a social and legal statement of commitment to another person, made in the presence of family, friends and community. Saying to a close relative - you are not part of the group of people I believe should witness that is unkind.

I'd invite them. Lost a good friend through cutting down on numbers.

If not budget restricted, then aks for them to be there.

If you're paying I would invite them. I think you'll regret it if you don't

Surely not exactly true if parents are paying for the wedding?

I can’t agree with this. If parents are kind enough to pay, they deserve some consideration.

she would be entitled to an opinion ..,

The fact you're paying for the wedding is entirely relevant. They really should reconsider as many pp have said. Very short-sighted, mean and rude, unkind to you too.

My brother didn't invite any wider family apart from one aunt - left out all the uncles aunts cousins.
He was definitely after a younger vibe with loads of drinking buddies etc.
Obviously entirely his choice and he isn't close to any of these relatives and rarely sees them (long distances involved). Still it's a bit of a shame for my parents as it's their family too and they were still in regular contact. It turned out the only times we've all met up is the funerals of my grandparents which were really nice occasions despite their sad reason.
I'm not married but if I was I would invite family unless it was a really small do.

Quite! Well said.

I think I must have misread this. The members of the family who have been most supportive don't get an invite...dodgy parents tick, bride n groom choices obviously tick, mum & dad of the grooms mates tick👀😳.
And there's a question whether this is fair?!?

Well not if the end intention is to make a complete split with your side of the family.
If your uncle and aunt are as nice as you seem to think they probably won't make a fuss but in their shoes I'd distance myself.

Maybe I'm wrong

Your parents haven't been a support to you, so I can kind of see why you would get pleasure from making them feel isolated. Showing them all the close relationships you / your child has that don't include them.

I don't know what they have done so maybe they deserve this and I'm not going to judge you for it.

However your uncle and his family have supported you. I think you will regret not inviting them.

If you are paying for the wedding I would ask your son to just add them on.

I think all 'close' family should always be invited, for reasons already stated. Unless of course the Bride or Groom are NC themselves. I invited my late Mum's cousins to mine even though I hadn't ever met them, or maybe not since I was tiny. One came, one didn't. But it's normal protocol unless you are really keeping numbers to a minimum.

It's your DS's wedding but if you are paying you do have a say. I assume your parents are invited? I think you should encourage him to invite your uncle and aunt, but I suppose you can't force it.

As others have said - 'friends' do move on. We were married 21 years ago and recently rewatched our wedding video. Half the couples have split up, some people we just drifted apart from - it was a very different group of people (apart from family) from what we would have if we did it now.......

Then you need to insist the aunt and uncle get an invite. Dear lord!