To not invite my parents' siblings to my child's wedding

[userzerozerozero]

I need to sanity check my thinking. My son is getting married, large wedding, no budget constraints fortunately. Long back story but I am NC with my own sibling and my parents have not been supportive of me over this however I still have a relationship with them and see them regularly. Our relationship is not positive and my MH around them is terrible. I come from a background where family is everything and there is a lot of pressure to do the right thing in terms of inviting wider family to significant events though I have broken rules around this many times in the past.

My mother's brother and family have been very supportive of me through the ups and downs of my decision around breaking ties with my sibling and have offered support and advice when needed while still remaining close with my parents. They are lovely to my son but they are not close with them IFYSWIM.

Now my son is getting married and we've decided as a family not to invite my uncle and aunt mostly at the request of my son and his partner as they want more friends and a younger vibe. Deep down I'm wondering whether I've gone along with this to punish my parents in a way. My uncle will be deeply disappointed but they won't make a fuss. AIBU to just go along with it knowing my parents will be upset and potentially my uncle as well?

If the parents are hosting and paying, they should get a say in who is invited, especially family members.

The issue is the OP - she’s not even spoken to her son about it! How can people be making all these wild assumptions about “young vibes” when the OP herself hasn’t even spoken to the couple. Ridiculous.

Totally agree! I get married next week and my dad is paying for it, he has one friend coming to our evening do and the rest is family and mine and my fiancé's friends that we have chosen! There's a lot more family that we could have invited for the sake of being nice but they aren't people who I see or keep in touch with so they haven't been invited.

Firstly it’s not your decision or a decision really to be made as a family. There has to be a cut of and unfortunately they haven’t made the list x

I had a small wedding-50 people, though 13 of those were my husbands immediate family - and really regret not inviting my own aunts and uncles. As time has gone on, some of them have remained a constant in my life while some of the friendships have faded away. And I have subsequently had an absolute ball with some of them at cousins weddings and these are memories to treasure, especially as one or two have passed away. They were all so gracious about not being invited and still gave me very generous presents and it caused no ill will. I think that nearly makes me feel worse. I don't know what you should do OP in your specific circumstances but if my children find themselves in similar circumstances as mine, I'd be encouraging them to take the long view, especially if budget and space weren't an issue. As for the party vibe, I think I was going for the dinner party followed by a disco vibe. It worked to a point and was a great day and night but at the price of maybe doing the right thing by people who had mostly been very good to me.

One friend for the evening do? That's the best you can do for your own father who is paying for the whole wedding? And you're proud of that?

Whilst it is ultimately the bride and groom's decision, having a conversation with them to agree to your wish on this is something I think you should have.

This!!

i got married this year and the inky famiky therr from my side were my oarents and mybaunt & uncle becaue we are very close. My sister and I are NC I incited her to keep the peace with mum but she stayed long enough to eat a meal and then left so less than 3 hours.

No extended cousins etc were invited. And neither was my dad's sister. No fall outs, we just aren't close and I can't think when she last spoke to me...dd is 11 now and I think she was probably a newborn.

We could have afforded it, but why fill the room with people we barely know or have any relationship with when we could fill it with people we do?

I would simply have the conversation that ds and his fiancée have decided immediate family only as they have chosen to have more of their friends present.

Did you pay for your own wedding?

Yes. Why is that relevant?

You cannot use the fact you are paying towards it tonforce them tonyave people they don't want there. Especially if you have already decided on friends to invite.

That is massively unfair.

Either pay for what they want or they pay themselves but if you place conditions like this on them you may find you lose them.

@userzerozerozero - I think it’s a huge mistake not to invite people who have been good to you and you will regret it. Your motivation for not inviting them is not a good one, as you acknowledge. They may not hold it against you but this is an opportunity to show gratitude to your uncle and his wife for being supportive.

For various reasons to do with my DH’s mental health at the time, we had no-one at our wedding. It was very conflicting for me and if he hadn’t otherwise been very good with my family I wouldn’t have accepted it. I told myself I could have a special family party to celebrate later. I felt particularly bad about my mum.

Our children were young at the time and I didn’t get going on with sorting the party right away. And it never happened. About 9 months after we got married, my mum was diagnosed with an aggressive terminal cancer which immediately made her very ill. She died about 18 months after we got married. There was never a party. There was never a chance to put right what I had done.

You never know what’s round the corner. This is an important opportunity to celebrate how your uncle and his wife have supported you. You should take it.

And the young vibe thing - that’s really not weddings are about. They’re meant to be multi-generational.

I agree. It's dreadful. Not being invited because they're old.

Because it makes it an entirely different situation from the one in the OP, where the parent is fully paying for the couple's 'no budget restriction' wedding.

We got married 6 years ago. We invited one "old" person from my side of the family (my only surviving family member from my grandparents' generation at the time) and several from my husband's.

I recently went through our wedding photos and there are some absolutely gorgeous ones of those people, most of whom have since died. It's such a shame to exclude the older generation from these family events. Society has changed so much over the centuries but the one thing that has remained consistent is that people are born, they get married, they have their own children and they die. Whether you are religious or not, these are the common life milestones that connect the generations. Excluding one generation (whether it's old people or children) because they don't fit the vibe of the kind of party you want seems to be rather missing the point.

It's not unfair at all. I would agree if the OP wanted to dictate things like the wedding dress, the colour scheme or the menu, but if you are paying for it all and you haven't imposed any kind of budget restriction then you're perfectly within your rights to say you want some older family members invited. Especially when you're talking about two people. My FIL wanted to invite 40 of his friends to our wedding and offered to pay for them. We said no because we didn't know most of these people and it would really have altered the balance of our wedding, and let him choose three couples to invite. That was not including older family members, who we would not have dreamed of excluding. Such a mean and short sighted thing to do.

Are you paying towards wedding? If you are, then I think you can ask to invite a few guests along. If not then really you need to chat with your son to explain your reasons
If it’s a large wedding then shouldn’t make a difference

If you’re paying for it — or even just contributing to it — and have your own friends on the guest list, you jolly well can invite your own uncle and aunt. Younger vibe be damned — that’s not what weddings are about.

My parents won't have many people around them and I think there is an element of me wanting them to feel isolated. I'm not enjoying this insight into my motivation but this is the exact reason why I posted here.

Agree with the above post. It is good that you have had this insight. Don't let the issues with your DP ruin the day - even if nothing is said the negtaive sentiment is in the room which will shadow your day.

Are you worried that your DP will spend the day with a face like a slapped arse and bitching to your uncle that your sibling wasnt invited?

Everyone will have their own opinion regarding wedding guest lists. I don't agree that because it's the bride & grooms day they should have 100% autonomy over who to invite when it's someone else paying for the ocassion. In this instance I would definitely prioritise the aunt & uncle over random friends. It would simply be rude & uncaring to leave them out.

An update....I've spoken with my son and future DIL and explained that I feel uncomfortable and sad not to invite my uncle and aunt but still respected their ultimate wishes. They didn't agree straight off but have come to understand that it's important to me. They're on the list!! Thank you all for your comments, I appreciated all the viewpoints but ultimately feel great about the outcome.

You don’t control your children when you pay for them.

If the the parents are paying for the wedding, they should have a day in who's invited.

Well done @userzerozerozero
Often a chat is all it takes