Or does she have squatters rights?

[Bettycrocker7]

We live in a 3 bed semi with no potential to move, extend or convert the attic.
Me and dh have one bedroom, dd13 and ds10 ( he has asd and adhd) share one room.
Dd 14 (she has adhd and asd) has her own box sized room.

Around two and a half years ago ds had the box room and the two girls shared.
My eldest dd was very difficult to share a room with. No emotional regulation, huge meltdowns, repeated unkind behaviour and she would stay up until the early hours.
After months of sleepless nights, we decided to put ds (then 8) and middle dd (then 10) in one room and give eldest dd her own bedroom in the box room. This did restore peace in the house for a while.

We've now reached a point where middle dd (13) needs her own bedroom. Her little brother is annoying her and she is embarrassed to have friends over.

We have found a company who will build us a floor to ceiling bunk bed as a room divider and split the one room into two box sized rooms. At the end of the bunk will be a doorframe with a fully opening and closing door. This will be cladded so that there are no gaps between the two sides of the bed - essentially creating two box rooms.

Middle dd has said she would like the existing orginal box room ( currently dd14 bedroom) to be her room, she is the only one out of the three who hasn't had use of it. She is also the only one of the three to have always had to share a room.

The original box room can only fit a shorty style bed which is perfect as middle dd is quite small. The two new box rooms fit full sized single mattresses which is better for dd14 as she is taller than me.
Where my eldest dd and youngest ds both have adhd and asd they are night owls staying up watching tv until the early hours. Middle dd loves routine and is often asleep by 10ish.

Eldest dd14 is refusing to even discuss a move into one of the newly built box rooms.
She is quite literally claiming squatters' rights. Generally speaking, it's often her way or no way, she isn't able to have calm discussions and will have a meltdown if I try to discuss it with her. When we first brought the topic up (in the car) she shouted a lot and repeatedly shouted no over and over and kicked the back of my chair quite hard.

My gut tells me that middle dd13 is due her turn in the existing box room. I think it's better for the two children that stay up all night to share a party wall rather than all three be awake because either one of them is bugging middle dd.

I also feel that as a family we have always prioritised dd14 needs and that she does need to accept that sometimes in life she can't always get her own way and needs to learn to compromise.

So aibu to insist that DD14 move into one of the newly built box rooms.which fits a bed more suitable for her size? Does DD14 have squatters' rights? Or does DD13 have a fair argument in that she needs some peace and quiet and her turn of the original box room? DD13 has been sharing and compromising for the last two years by sharing with her brother so I do feel her argument has a fair bit of weight to it

Oh for god sake, get a grip.

I am autistic myself. Yet I was still raised to learn that there’s times in life that I couldn’t have things my way.
As a result I am a fully functioning member of society.

We have too many people who are too terrified of upsetting their SEN kids, or rocking the boat, that they fail to parent them and constantly use their SEN as their excuse.

One of the OP's other children has the same disabilities and he isn't being such a brat.

Could you do a loft conversion?

@Macaroninecklace I would not expect a child who uses a wheelchair to get their own way on everything either. We have a DD who has mobility issues. We do not prevent her sibling going to places that are not accessible for DD just because she can't go.
You do have to balance all the needs of your children. I know from experience that it is very easy to think of your disabled child's needs first, and deprioritise your other children. But they matter too.

Even squatters get evicted eventually 🤣 soz Hun! 😘

I’m glad that being a fully functioning member of society is possible for you.

For my autistic child it might well be it simply isn’t possible. I am not terrified of upsetting him, and I do make him do things he isn’t comfortable with. If I tried to move his bedroom he’d probably react similarly to OP’s daughter. I would still make him move, if I thought it was important he did, but I wouldn’t belittle his feelings about it, call it a tantrum or “needing his own way” or call him a brat and other nasty names the way people are doing on this thread.

She's a child living in her own home which is obviously owned or rented by her parents.
That is not what 'squatters rights' is. In fact the concept of that was pretty much obliterated over 30 years ago.

Not the point of your post I know but is your 10 year old ds regularly staying up until the early hours? How does he function at school the next day?!

@Macaroninecklace no one is belittling her. There has been helpful advice on this thread about how to support her with the transition.
It was you who categorically said OP was wrong to do this.

One of my dc would react exactly the same. I’m also autistic, and agree wholeheartedly with @Macaroninecklace

I have to say I am wondering whether both the 14 year old and the 10 year old would be able to cope with their disabilities better if they got more sleep. I wouldn't allow screens in their rooms after bedtime.

@WaitingForMojo you know the saying - if you have met one person with autism you have met one person with autism? OP is the mother of this child. She knows her child best and thinks this is a reasonable thing to do.

Can’t believe how many people took the squatters rights comment seriously!
I think you are doing the right thing. Your eldest dd needs a bigger bed, she gets one of the new rooms. Hopefully you can find a door solution so that it really does feel like the spaces are separate.
I do wonder though, what will you do when your younger daughter needs a bigger bed? Your son will soon be too tall to also manage a small bed so you need to think longer term.

It was supposed to be a lighthearted tounge- in cheek thing 🙈

At this point just move it isn’t fair

No, I did not say that. In fact twice I’ve said if it were my DC I would probably make them move. I can see how you might have extrapolated that from my comment about a wheelchair user, but my point there was simply that you can’t put autism aside any more easily than a physical disability.

And plenty of people have called OPs daughter a brat etc which in my book is belittling her reaction to what is potentially quite an upsetting situation for her because of her disabilities. As someone whose child would behave similarly if his safe space is threatened, reading here confirmation that many people think he’s just being a brat is not a nice thing.

And with that I’m bowing out. I’m not willing to derail OPs thread any further. I hope the bedroom situation is resolved with as little upset as possible and all three children end up with a bedroom they are happy with.

She isn't managing at school at all. She has low attendance due to school refusal and is repeatedly in isolation or suspended. I'm very worried about gcses and we have early help and camhs engaging with school trying to find the right way through for her.

I can't believe people are taking the squatter's rights idea so literally.

There are a few separate issues here.

Her brain doesn't like change - no one's does, but it's worse for some than others. Her initial reaction will be an emotional "no" but don't over-react to her initial reaction. Let things calm down and move onto the next stage in the process. This is how companies drop bad news - drop it, let the emotional reaction happen. Over a week or two then people process it and if not come round to enthusiasm, at least accept it better.

Separately find a way forward that works for the longer term and everyone follows the logic. Can the ones with the less good rooms get better Stuff by way of making it fairer? Could there be an agreement that they switch back when eldest goes into GCSE years? Or alternatively if it's a permanent switch and you think DD2 will stay shorter than her sister then make it this is how it'll have to be long term so we are doing it once now.

Personally I might be up for saying DD2's got a point but let's do it in a year or two. Listen to everyone's views and make a rational decision together. Don't make it an emotional decision based on DD2's preferences, there needs to be a dispassionate reason that makes some sort of sense to everyone, even if they are not fully on board with it.

You do realise you’re in charge? Start with that ASD or not.

Ooof, some of the ableist replies on this thread! MN can be very unkind about autism. You are not being unreasonable asking DD14 to move, but any change is going to be harder for an autistic child.

It actually sounds like the new box room might suit DD14 better for a few reasons - but her autistic nervous system is going to react because eeek, change! It will be a big deal for her to change rooms and it's not brattiness - it's how her brain is wired. It's not "wanting things your own way" - this is what allistic people often don't get. Autistic folks have more difficulty with cognitive flexibility, part of which is imagining things being different to what they are now. Therefore, change can feel like a terrifying void. Couple that with the autistic tendency to catastrophise and it feels like the worst thing in the world to happen to you.

DD14 may need more time to adjust and transition. She may also need more context and reasons around why you've made the decision - including what you've said about her needs as well as DD13. Give as much agency as you're able to, about how she sets the room up, etc. And try to empathise with how she feels. Her reaction may look OTT, but to her this will feel destabilising and horrible. She will be fearing the absolute worst about moving room, especially because her previous experience of sharing that space was intolerable for her. She hasn't had a chance to assimilate a new experience of it yet so it doesn't feel like she's being pushed back into a situation she hated.

crossed posts. Yes this takes careful consideration of what she can actually cope with. As a SEN parent yourself you might be wiser making your own decision than being swayed by us lot!

This is very helpful.
I find it very difficult to assert myself as a parent with her. A counsellor thinks we are stuck in the Karpman drama triangle and I need to pull my big girl pants up. With my other two children what I say goes, my eldest can be quite full on when she is having a meltdown and then i get quite intimidated. I think that's a really good idea to show her visual signs that the move is happening.

It's ha.
We can go on the exchange list when eldest dd turns 16.

It was just me making a light hearted joke on a situation that quite literally has me pulling my hair out 🙈

You have well founded logical reasons for thinking the older Dd should move, reasons that actually work in everyone’s best interests.

As the parent it is your job, responsibility and privilege to make the decision.

I think your dilemma is how best to manage the decision and change with your Dd. With as little drama as possible and emphasising that the other two are also required to take the space allocated to them.

Your Dd knows that her brother was moved out of that room, it is now her turn to be moved out. Work out what will make the transition easiest for her.