To really not want to go to this hen do?

[Goryrilmore]

I feel like such a party pooper saying this! I am really worrying about it and worrying about telling my friend.

So me and my friend aren’t very close, we talk a few times a year and see each other probably once a year, if that. We keep the friendship going because we are childhood friends but don’t really do much together these days.

I have just been added to a WhatsApp group and a trip is being planned for her hen do which is abroad. There’s a few reasons why I really don’t want to go. The first one being, I simply can’t afford it. We have spent all year doing house renovations as we bought our first house and it’s needed a lot going to it. It has bled us dry and we are panicking about Christmas because we basically have no money left. We have had to tell people that we won’t be able to buy them much this year, and we aren’t buying for each other. We are excited because we have a big family holiday with DPs family booked for June, his dad has paid for it but wants us to pay him back which we will be doing very soon as the house is almost done. So we have that to pay for, plus DPs best friend is getting married and his stag do is also abroad and DP is the best man so can’t miss it. So we have that to pay for too. They want the money for my friends hen do before the end of the year. It’s simply not possible, I don’t have any spare cash whatsoever.

The second reason, is that I have ME/CFS. No one knows about this because I am a bit embarrassed about it and feel like some people would judge or not see it as a real thing. The thought of a girls drinking holiday fills me with utter dread, I wouldn’t be able to keep up. I don’t drink alcohol, and the holiday would make me ill due to my illness. I don’t want to spend money that I don’t have on something that I would dread and not enjoy and I would just suffer through.

I feel like this is so bad, to not go to your friends hen do, and I feel so guilty about it. I haven’t said anything yet. How can I explain it? Is it unreasonable? Can I even still be expected to go to the wedding if I don’t go to the hen do? I feel stressed about this

You don't have to explain anything. Just say that you won't be able to make it but you hope that they all have a great time

"Hope you have a great time but unfortunately I won't be able to make it. See you at the wedding!"

Just be honest. Say that you cannot afford it and wish her a fun trip.

Honestly OP stop overthinking it.

A simple, I'm really sorry but I won't be able to attend.

Nip It in the bud right away - just say that sounds amazing but sadly due to budget (house renovations etc) you can’t afford it. Bride will understand - loads of people are in a similar position these days due to the cost of living increases.

You simply respond with ‘Thanks for the invitation but due to family circumstances it won’t be possible for me to attend. I hope you all have a brilliant time.’ Then exit group chat.
It sounds like your friendship has grown apart so you probably won’t get a wedding invite, but such is life, even less to stress about.

You don't have to go. You can just decline. You can say you can't afford it or that it's just not your thing if you feel you need a reason but you really, really don't have to go.
You will no doubt get some weird posters coming on in a bit saying you should go. You should make the effort but why should you? You hardly ever see this friend and even if she was your best friend and you live next door and see and talk to each other every day, or even your sister, you still don't have to go.

The ME/CFS is up to you but I have a chronic illness and have learnt its best just to say I have a long term condition that means I'm unable to attend. Or similar. Or just say now sorry I'm unable to make the financial commitment to attend I hope you all have a lovely time, let me know of you catch up nearer to home

You have perfectly valid reasons to politely decline. You don't have to say why but financial constraints would be a reasonable explanation.

The first lot of information was enough OP. You don’t have to go and it’s not a good time. There is nothing wrong with saying that.
When I got to the bit about ME/CFS please don’t feel ashamed - and there would be nothing worse than a mad hen holiday abroad!
I hope you have got some support closer to home with this?

Yep agree with the others. Keep
it short and to the point. Say you won’t be able to make but have a brilliant time and you’re looking forward the seeing the photos.

Do it as soon as possible to reduce your anxiety. I’m sure the bride won’t mind - no problem choosing to have a hen do abroad, but only on the understanding it could be too expensive or logistically difficult for others.

I arranged my best friends hen do and lots of people said “sorry can’t make it that weekend, have fun” left the chat and that was it. We didn’t give them the Spanish Inquisition. I’ve also turned down hen dos and it has been fine. Just say you can’t attend and wish them fun - please don’t worry about!

You've answered your own question. Like you said, "It's simply not possible". Several of my friends couldn't come to my hen night for various reasons and I don't remember being in any way offended. Mine wasn't even abroad, it was just a night out at a restaurant (Proud Cabaret I think)!

Ah here don't feel bad. Someone who books their hen abroad must be prepared to expect that not everyone will.be able.to go.

Be honest and tell them sooner rather than later that you wont be able to attend so they're not counting you in on the numbers. Say to the bride on her own im sure she'll understand and if she doesn't well she hasn't much in her.

You have absolutely nothing to feel embarrassed about. A simple ' thanks for the invite to the hen do but I'm afraid I will have to decline due to other major commitments ' is all that is needed.
It's an invite, not a summons. Do not feel bad.

"I am not able to go, hope you all have a fabulous time, sorry I have to miss this"

There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying that you can't go, and you don't have to give a reason if you don't want to. But, tell them now so that they are not making decisions about where to go/stay based on you being there and contributing to the cost.

No need to overthink it. You don’t want to go so all you have to do is say “no” you don’t have to explain anything. As others have said it’s a simple what’s app message. Dear xxxx. Really sorry but I won’t be able to make it. Hope you all have fun”

You can't go and that's all there is to it.
You can say you're very sorry you can't make it and hope they have a wonderful time. No excuses or explanations are needed. If your friend asks, you could tell her that you are already overcommitted financially and owe money for next year's family holiday so you can't take anything else on. She'll understand, or if she doesn't, she's not much of a friend.

Absolutely, just say sorry can’t go, have a wonderful time and see you at the wedding.

Give your friend - the bride to be - a friendly direct call to catch up on wedding planning, be excited for her, and wish her a brilliant hen. It’s a nice excuse to be honest and thus closer to your old friend!

Not telling her the truth only distances your friendship and I think childhood friendships are precious even if they’re not close in the same way as contemporary friends who met as adults.

Those old shared memories that few other have, longevity, trust, etc. Even if you have less in common now you’re older there’s a special fondness in these old friendships, I find. Enjoy the wedding next year!

You won’t be the only one who can’t attend so send your apologies and don’t give it a second thought.

I’ve declined so many ridiculous hen dos like this – ones where the close gaggle of bridesmaids like to pawn off huge costs onto lots of other women.

You don’t need an excuse. It’s not the wedding. A polite decline is fine.

Personally I would have no problem saying "So sorry [friend], we're pretty broke at the moment and I just can't afford to go."

If a very old friend had a good reason for not going on my hen night I would be fine with that, but just saying "Sorry, can't, have fun" would leave me wondering.

I couldn't go on my cousin's hen do. I explained my reasons directly to her but took her out for a really nice meal. Could you do something with just her, even if it doesn't cost a lot but something you know she would enjoy that doesn't duplicate what's happening on the hen do?

I’m unable to attend the hen do abroad but really want to acknowledge this important time for you in your life because I care about our friendship so I’d like to do x with you instead. I hope you understand.