To really not want to go to this hen do?

[Goryrilmore]

I feel like such a party pooper saying this! I am really worrying about it and worrying about telling my friend.

So me and my friend aren’t very close, we talk a few times a year and see each other probably once a year, if that. We keep the friendship going because we are childhood friends but don’t really do much together these days.

I have just been added to a WhatsApp group and a trip is being planned for her hen do which is abroad. There’s a few reasons why I really don’t want to go. The first one being, I simply can’t afford it. We have spent all year doing house renovations as we bought our first house and it’s needed a lot going to it. It has bled us dry and we are panicking about Christmas because we basically have no money left. We have had to tell people that we won’t be able to buy them much this year, and we aren’t buying for each other. We are excited because we have a big family holiday with DPs family booked for June, his dad has paid for it but wants us to pay him back which we will be doing very soon as the house is almost done. So we have that to pay for, plus DPs best friend is getting married and his stag do is also abroad and DP is the best man so can’t miss it. So we have that to pay for too. They want the money for my friends hen do before the end of the year. It’s simply not possible, I don’t have any spare cash whatsoever.

The second reason, is that I have ME/CFS. No one knows about this because I am a bit embarrassed about it and feel like some people would judge or not see it as a real thing. The thought of a girls drinking holiday fills me with utter dread, I wouldn’t be able to keep up. I don’t drink alcohol, and the holiday would make me ill due to my illness. I don’t want to spend money that I don’t have on something that I would dread and not enjoy and I would just suffer through.

I feel like this is so bad, to not go to your friends hen do, and I feel so guilty about it. I haven’t said anything yet. How can I explain it? Is it unreasonable? Can I even still be expected to go to the wedding if I don’t go to the hen do? I feel stressed about this

Just say you can't afford it. You aren't obligated to do anything

I don’t agree at all with having to justify why you can’t attend. Your finances/health are nobody’s business, and certainly not in a random group chat.

A simple “sounds like it’ll be a great weekend! Unfortunately I won’t be able to join you, but I’m sure you’ll all have an amazing time!”

If you want to, you can text your friend privately to say house renovations/annual leave/health means that you can’t make it, but there’s no reason you have to tell her anything you’re not comfortable with.

I'm of the opinion that many people getting married forget while it's their special event, it isn't everyone's special event and therefore giving up money, annual leave days, time etc., isn't always possible for everyone.They have better things to spend their own money on.

Like other's said - short and sweet. No justification. Kind but clear!

Well done OP. I wouldn't be offering to take her for a meal either, you're not close friends anymore so you don't need to spend the money. A gift for the wedding is plenty, if you're invited

If she has a hen do overseas, she needs to understand that a lot of people won't be able to make it. Just explain that finances are tight if you don't want to get into the health stuff, and suggest having tea or a lunch together when she gets back.

Nothing to worry about OP, you were great to be considerate and let her know in the app and then privately.

If people chose to do these ridiculous, princessy hen dos abroad they should expect to be told "no".

Who ever is organising is silly asking for the money before Christmas and giving such short notice. I wonder if a lot of people won't be able to afford to go. Don't feel bad saying you can't make it.

Theres no way I'd be forking out for a foreign hen do for someone I only speak to a few times a year, and see once a year.

Just decline. You've got enough reasons.

Just say you cannot go. You do not have to proffer an explanation at all, particularly as you are barely friends.
You are only keeping the friendship going because you've known her since childhood, which is rather daft - adults don't have to be friends with people they have nothing in common with any more

I don't see why you need to give reasons thry are no one else's business and actually irrelevant

But so what if she doesn’t invite you to her wedding? You’re no longer close, you only see one another annually, and she doesn’t even know you have a complex health condition.

If she doesn't invite you to the wedding as some kind of tit-for-tat about you not being able to make the overseas hen do, that would be her damaging the friendship, not you.

You have every reason not to go, I would also consider telling her in confidence that as well as serious financial constraints you also have a chronic health condition that means that going would make you ill for several days /weeks afterwards. ME is well recognised these days and I think (hope) the days of people thinking it was put on are long gone. It is nothing to feel ashamed of.

Goodness sake Op, there's no need to list out your reasons for not going. Just a simple reply 'Thanks very much for the invite. I won't be able to make this, so I'll leave the group'. Job done.

Your first reason is reason enough.
I would refuse to go on an abroad hen do on principle anyway.

Just want to pick up on this too OP…

It has bled us dry and we are panicking about Christmas because we basically have no money left. We have had to tell people that we won’t be able to buy them much this year, and we aren’t buying for each other

Now that you’ve got over the psychological hurdle with your friend tell these people ( adults? ) you won’t be buying any presents for them this year ( and don’t want any in return ).

Yes I think I will have to. I have younger siblings so I usually like buying something for them and something for my mum, but her birthday is in November as well so it’s just a lot. Don’t think we will be able to do Christmas this year

.

Kindly OP, do you have anxiety? You are hugely overthinking this.

If you only see her once a year nobody is going to think twice if you can't make it.

Tou can easily make an excuse or simply say "Sorry I can't make it" however I'd just be honest. I'd say 8m skint and I suffer from ME. I mean who could argue with that?

I don’t have anxiety in general, no. But yes I do admit I am an over thinker

I've been to several hen dos over the last few years, and there's ALWAYS people who can't make it, for various reasons, whether financial, practical, whatever. It's fine!

My hen do is abroad and my wedding is as well a few months later and I absolutely understand some people won’t be able to attend 1 or both because of costs. I think your over thinking it just say you can’t make it you don’t need to explain. If she asks for a reason your house renovations are a valid excuse

IMO if more people were honest and simply said they couldn’t afford it, perhaps these expensive hen do’s abroad would become less of a Thing.

And TBH even if people can afford them, very often they’d have better uses for that money. Of course I’m not talking about the sort of people to whom five or six hundred ££ is neither here nor there.

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER I think you're right. People often don't like to admit they can't really afford something or quite simply don't want to spend it. If they did, rather than trying to protect their financial and social status, they'd become far less of a thing. There would be a lot more of "sorry, no".