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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really not want to go to this hen do?

80 replies

Goryrilmore · 20/10/2024 17:51

I feel like such a party pooper saying this! I am really worrying about it and worrying about telling my friend.

So me and my friend aren’t very close, we talk a few times a year and see each other probably once a year, if that. We keep the friendship going because we are childhood friends but don’t really do much together these days.

I have just been added to a WhatsApp group and a trip is being planned for her hen do which is abroad. There’s a few reasons why I really don’t want to go. The first one being, I simply can’t afford it. We have spent all year doing house renovations as we bought our first house and it’s needed a lot going to it. It has bled us dry and we are panicking about Christmas because we basically have no money left. We have had to tell people that we won’t be able to buy them much this year, and we aren’t buying for each other. We are excited because we have a big family holiday with DPs family booked for June, his dad has paid for it but wants us to pay him back which we will be doing very soon as the house is almost done. So we have that to pay for, plus DPs best friend is getting married and his stag do is also abroad and DP is the best man so can’t miss it. So we have that to pay for too. They want the money for my friends hen do before the end of the year. It’s simply not possible, I don’t have any spare cash whatsoever.

The second reason, is that I have ME/CFS. No one knows about this because I am a bit embarrassed about it and feel like some people would judge or not see it as a real thing. The thought of a girls drinking holiday fills me with utter dread, I wouldn’t be able to keep up. I don’t drink alcohol, and the holiday would make me ill due to my illness. I don’t want to spend money that I don’t have on something that I would dread and not enjoy and I would just suffer through.

I feel like this is so bad, to not go to your friends hen do, and I feel so guilty about it. I haven’t said anything yet. How can I explain it? Is it unreasonable? Can I even still be expected to go to the wedding if I don’t go to the hen do? I feel stressed about this

OP posts:
OverthinkingOlive · 20/10/2024 18:26

I can't stand all this hen do abroad bollocks. What happened to just having a night out?

Getitwright · 20/10/2024 18:27

I have never been on a hen do of any kind, didn’t want one before my own wedding, they are just not my thing. I would just politely tell your friend that you cannot make it, but would love to get the happy couple a nice present and leave it at that. Do it in person rather than social media, a private chat is always best.

Sheknowsaboutme · 20/10/2024 18:28

Just say no! You’re an adult. What is so scary than saying no??!

Mermaidsarereal · 20/10/2024 18:29

It's only in the planning stages at the moment, so tell your friend now that unfortunately you can't go you don't need to go into specifics with her. If you aren't that close anymore, she may have just invited you to be polite. I had an away hen do in June and only had 4 friends come with me as others couldn't afford it, or had other things booked and I was absolutely fine with it.

Original poster
Goryrilmore · 20/10/2024 18:29

thansk everyone. Your replies have helped me stop stressing as much, I have replied to the WhatsApp to tell them but they didn’t reply, they’ve just reacted with an emoji. Oh well. I have messaged my friend privately and just said it’s due to financial reasons. I just don’t feel like we are close enough for me to tell her about the ME. I know it’s nothing to be embarrassed about but I am only in my early 30s and worry about people thinking I’m putting it on so tend not to say anything and play it down. Hopefully she will respond and be understanding

OP posts:
Original poster
Goryrilmore · 20/10/2024 18:30

Sheknowsaboutme · 20/10/2024 18:28

Just say no! You’re an adult. What is so scary than saying no??!

Because I know that some people think that you should make the effort and if you don’t go then you don’t get to go to the wedding. I’m worried about damaging the friendship because even though we rarely see or speak, I still value her and the friendship as we have been friends a long time and I don’t want her to think I just can’t be bothered

OP posts:
Passmetheaero · 20/10/2024 18:32

Oooh taking her out for a meal at an alternative time is a good idea!

PurpleChrayn · 20/10/2024 18:39

Just don't go.

I have refused any and all hen party (and baby shower) invitations that have come my way, and am very happy with that.

autienotnaughty · 20/10/2024 18:40

I think it's fine I'd just say if you do anything local I'd love to come.

Skyrainlight · 20/10/2024 18:48

I have ME too so I totally get it. It's not even that you don't want to go, it's that you can't. I would call my friend up or message her directly to tell her the situation. That's what I have done in the past with old school friends that I'm no longer close to who want to organise things I can't do, it's not comfortable because I don't like talking about my illness and no one understands it anyway. Alternatively, just tell her finances are tight and you can't make it if you don't want to go into your healthy issues. x

FeedingThem · 20/10/2024 18:51

Is the bride on the group? If so just pm her and say you're really sorry but you can't make the hen due to finances. Om assuming she's not local os you see each other so rarely but if there's a way to meet up, suggest doing someone one to one?

StaunchMomma · 20/10/2024 18:52

I don't think it's bad to not go in the slightest.

You don't sound very close and even if you were, you can't afford what you can't afford.

I'd bite the bullet and post to the group asap. keep it breezy and state that you would have loved to been there but the house has more than emptied your pockets for the forseeable.

If she gets arsey about it then, well, she's an arse!

5128gap · 20/10/2024 18:53

A lot of people wouldn't go to the hen do of someone they saw once a year if they were well and could afford it. Its a big ask of someone to pay to go abroad and brides to be should only expect very close friends and their known party people to be up for it, if they have any sense. Just tell her the truth. You can't afford it because you're skint from the house renovations.

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 20/10/2024 18:54

Because I know that some people think that you should make the effort and if you don’t go then you don’t get to go to the wedding

Does that really matter? In an expensive year, combined with your health issues, isn’t it a good thing to be able to duck out of attending a wedding?

saraclara · 20/10/2024 19:01

I'm glad you've mentioned it on the WhatsApp. But if the bride or anyone else contacts you about it, please don't over-explain like you did on the OP. It comes across as defensive and it really isn't needed.

Keep it simple. The very most you should say is: 'We've over extended ourselves financially, with the renovations not going to plan, and having committed ourselves to an extended family holiday, so I'm afraid there's no possibility of joining'

But just 'it's financially impossible' will do

Mookytoo · 20/10/2024 19:06

RSVP with regrets cannot go.

You don’t need to make any excuse.

Toomanyemails · 20/10/2024 19:09

Goryrilmore · 20/10/2024 18:30

Because I know that some people think that you should make the effort and if you don’t go then you don’t get to go to the wedding. I’m worried about damaging the friendship because even though we rarely see or speak, I still value her and the friendship as we have been friends a long time and I don’t want her to think I just can’t be bothered

Show quote history

Organise something lower budget but personal for the two of you to celebrate! A good friend won't drop you over this either way

usernother · 20/10/2024 19:10

Tbh if you're only talking about couple of times a year and only meeting once, she probably doesn't really expect that you will attend. Just say no because you can't afford it.

anxioussister · 20/10/2024 19:11

To the group
‘I’m sad that I’m unable to make this. I’ll remove myself from the group now - but really look forward to seeing all the photos and catching up with lots of you at the wedding’

to your friend
’I’m afraid that, between some ongoing medical issue and a very tight house-Reno budget, I can’t make your hen do. I’d really like to celebrate you though - can I take you for dinner soon? Lots of love’

Marchitectmummy · 20/10/2024 19:16

I think more and more people are pushing back on these extravagant celebrations, don't worry at all sounds like you have smoothed over with the bride.

I might be a misery but I find these things to be about filling out nos rather than people enjoying themselves. What's really to enjoy if you only know thd bride and spend the weekend getting to know people at an expense of time and money l.

Thefirstdance · 20/10/2024 19:17

Goryrilmore · 20/10/2024 17:51

I feel like such a party pooper saying this! I am really worrying about it and worrying about telling my friend.

So me and my friend aren’t very close, we talk a few times a year and see each other probably once a year, if that. We keep the friendship going because we are childhood friends but don’t really do much together these days.

I have just been added to a WhatsApp group and a trip is being planned for her hen do which is abroad. There’s a few reasons why I really don’t want to go. The first one being, I simply can’t afford it. We have spent all year doing house renovations as we bought our first house and it’s needed a lot going to it. It has bled us dry and we are panicking about Christmas because we basically have no money left. We have had to tell people that we won’t be able to buy them much this year, and we aren’t buying for each other. We are excited because we have a big family holiday with DPs family booked for June, his dad has paid for it but wants us to pay him back which we will be doing very soon as the house is almost done. So we have that to pay for, plus DPs best friend is getting married and his stag do is also abroad and DP is the best man so can’t miss it. So we have that to pay for too. They want the money for my friends hen do before the end of the year. It’s simply not possible, I don’t have any spare cash whatsoever.

The second reason, is that I have ME/CFS. No one knows about this because I am a bit embarrassed about it and feel like some people would judge or not see it as a real thing. The thought of a girls drinking holiday fills me with utter dread, I wouldn’t be able to keep up. I don’t drink alcohol, and the holiday would make me ill due to my illness. I don’t want to spend money that I don’t have on something that I would dread and not enjoy and I would just suffer through.

I feel like this is so bad, to not go to your friends hen do, and I feel so guilty about it. I haven’t said anything yet. How can I explain it? Is it unreasonable? Can I even still be expected to go to the wedding if I don’t go to the hen do? I feel stressed about this

I missed a friend’s hen do because I had a 4 month old baby who I didn’t want to leave. I don’t think she ever forgave me. We never discussed it, she moved away, and we have had little to no contact since her wedding.
I’m not saying you should go if you can’t afford it—just warning you that your friend may not see it from your point of view.

SerafinasGoose · 20/10/2024 19:27

Your attendance has simply been assumed rather than an invitation issued. This naturally puts people under pressure. It isn't an honest approach. Don't JADE (justify, defend, argue, explain). Do this and you are simply opening the door to this becoming a negotiation. It isn't. It's a 'no'.

A simple 'can't make it but have a great time' is an adequate response, but I think the PP's suggestion of 'family circumstances' is a good opt-out clause. It puts across the point that you are experiencing ongoing issues but at the same time, in a polite but firm way, makes it clear you are not willing to talk about those issues. If the point is pushed then you can simply politely say let's not go there.

If an invitation is conditional upon your attending expensive pre-wedding celebrations then that's too bad, but IMO, rather odd. I've rarely been on hen nights for those weddings I have attended, have never been to a 'hen weekend' at all, and didn't even have a 'hen' myself as these kinds of event are not for me.

Evaka · 20/10/2024 19:28

OP, it's just an invite to a party. It's so, so reasonable to say you can't make that date but have a great time. In the unlikely event the bride is pissed off, you'll know she's a tit. I have declined many hens and many weddings because they didn't suit never had anyone fall out with me over it.

Thischangeseverything · 20/10/2024 19:43

You are definitely overthinking this. Just say no. Loads of people said no to the foreign hen do I once went on. They still went to the wedding and no hard feelings as long as as you are upfront immediately that you can't go.

pictoosh · 20/10/2024 19:56

Why are they all abroad and really expensive now?

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