To choose the high pressure job

[PizzaByTheSlice]

2 job offers on table. Both are same money.

Job A. 90 min/2 hr commute (v expensive train) Could WFH a bit. High pressure. Huge workload. Would need to travel round the country. No time to do hobbies. Where I've wanted to work for long time. Bit scary. Doing stuff ive never done before. Lots of opportunities. V early starts. Lots of breakfast clubs etc for kids.

Job B. 10 min commute in car. Could WFH half the week. Low pressure. Normal workload. Similar organisation and job to what I've done before. Also some career opportunities but not as much. Nice working environment. Good perks. Because it's so close no breakfast clubs. Could do all school stuff easily.

I have 2 kids. One about to start school next year. One with autism. A useless husband and challenging marriage. I'm overweight and tired all the time. I'm the breadwinner in the house and quite career driven

I want to go for Job A. But husband and friend telling me im being mad.

What do you think? A or B.

Nooo! Take the A job. Honestly, it will be worth it over time. Don’t sell yourself short. And your kids will get bigger, and that will also get easier. You’ll regret it forever if you don’t at least give it a try.

Job B and a divorce sounds ideal to me! What a twat.

Op it sounds like you don't want to be with your DH anymore, and going on your posts about his parenting he doesn't sound like he'd be particularly helpful if you took job A. Initially I thought job b is a no brainer, but reading your posts I think you'd be settling. Your dh would take the piss and you'd be up early, kids breakfast/dressed, school run, work, school run, dinner, baths, bed, all other life/kids admin and chores. Repeat. With no help from dh as he'd think as your job is child routine friendly he gets off scott free and you'd be running round stressed and have a job you feel you settled on to pick up all the slack at home.

Job A however would make you feel like all the running around is actually for good benefit... a job you really want. Both scenarios involve you running around but at least job A is a good career progression! Although it'll be hard at first remember there's no growth in your comfort zone! If this were a man he'd be going for a job A no questions asked. So go for it!

Could you move closer to job A once you've kicked your useless dh to the curb?

What did you decide in the end OP?

You must accept the job you most want to do and your husband should support you by stepping up at home. I would also suggest you communicate well with the other job and explain that the experiences you will gain may be valuable if another more senior role comes up with them in the future. It simply that, while you would live their job, in the current environment you need to take the better paid one. However, the first job won’t help you lose weight and feel better about your body. It might give you other things, like a sense of achievement, but it will be harder to give yourself any time.

@PizzaByTheSlice Hi just want to send you a hug. Yesterday I went to a management day , im a very junior manager. I sat watching the senior managers feeling miserable as I chose ‘b’ 11 years ago. And it’s been amazing, I have a lovely team and my work life balance is very good. But my career has stalled and I’m not sure I’ll be able to relight it as my kids get older and need me less.

The other kicker is that my DHs job was the big earner with the idea that my career sacrifice made more financial sense. He was made redundant last year and has set up his own business so I earn more now. So we would have been better of if I had focused on my career.

But I couldn’t have done ‘A’ when the kids were little. I was on my knees as it was.

I'm going for Job B and going to spend the extra brain space on myself, my health, my kids and fixing or leaving my relationship. And then when things are better personally I'll go for Job A. One day. Thank you for all the advice.

Great choice. You will escape your current situation more quickly this way I think. Good luck.

That sounds like the best decision. Job A with school age children, a long commute and an unhelpful husband just wouldn’t be possible. You’d have zero time for yourself and a lot of stress.

I had a similar decision but with nursery age children (and a DH working abroad).I chose job A - I lasted 3 months - had serious health issues and practically had a nervous breakdown. Job B wasn’t available once I’d got myself together. Such a shame.

Is the salary a lot more for A? If so, negotiate a minimum of 2 days WFH and take it. Your husband will have to step up

Ten years ago I posted a very similar dilemma on MN, the circumstances were a little different because my job A offered more money.

Everyone said take job B and I took job A. It was amazing, my professional and financial life transformed in ways I couldn't imagine. No regrets

Job A. 100%.

Job A sadly doesn't sound like it can be done- either in the unsupportive relationship you're currently in or as a single parent- so I would have to turn it down, which your update suggests you're going to. It's hard, but given the nastiness from your husband, it sounds like there are some tough decisions to make regarding the relationship which would need to be done before anything else.

I think you made the right choice.

You'll be even more overweight and tired with Job A.

B

If job A was more money then it was different circumstances. Did you have a 4 hour commute every day, an unsupportive husband, an autistic child? Were you overweight and tired? These details are really important as to whether a job can work or will be hugely stressful and just not possible.

All the women I know who can do such a big job with a massive commute, have husbands who very much do 50/50 or more or who have a lot of help - usually both. And accept after a 2 hour commute at the end of the day they won’t see much of their children. And they need to be ok with that. Even then where’s the time to exercise? So not particularly healthy.

Job b for Now life's too short, why slog for someone else? Job b sounds like more quality of life not only for you but dc as well?

What would they say if they had a choice?
It sounds like you could get this job again in future.

I can't imagine days of child illness up in the night then a long commute, dashing back again for emergencys...

I'd put myself first for easy life right now and keep my eye on the I prize when dc get to end of primary

I’ve commuted for years so even on that basis alone it’s job B.

@Delatron

I always find that strangely put " you won't see much of your dc are you ok with that" yes but what about children who've been in schools all day and just want mum?
Are they OK with it? The one who isn't there often don't know what they have missed it's the ones missing them who suffer more.

Left wifh a useless dad apparently

Job B for now. Divorce then Job A with a reliable form of childcare. Wishing you all the very best

JFC the lack of ambition on this thread is astounding.

Most people talking OP out of what she wanted to do.

As a lone parent I made the hard job work.

OP I really hope you get to do the job you actually wanted to do really soon.

Good choice.

your time will come. I took on job A in my 50s after doing years of job B. It was knackering but ticked a box for me.

You’ve years of work ahead of you so this is just the right decision for now

For me I would pick B, but I’m not you OP. If your heart is set on A do it.

Job B and you will slowly die inside and build up resentment.

Job A and things will boil up and there's a chance your "challenging marriage" will finally explode. Consider the risks and if you think you can deal with them, go for job A.

That's the right choice. You'll regret missing all the kids things at school and arriving at 9.30 and leaving to pick up the kids means you will never have the success you're dreaming of at job a. I've done job a and you have to commit way longer hours than you can do or want to do as a mum to small kids. Now you can get rid of.the useless dh as well.