To choose the high pressure job

[PizzaByTheSlice]

2 job offers on table. Both are same money.

Job A. 90 min/2 hr commute (v expensive train) Could WFH a bit. High pressure. Huge workload. Would need to travel round the country. No time to do hobbies. Where I've wanted to work for long time. Bit scary. Doing stuff ive never done before. Lots of opportunities. V early starts. Lots of breakfast clubs etc for kids.

Job B. 10 min commute in car. Could WFH half the week. Low pressure. Normal workload. Similar organisation and job to what I've done before. Also some career opportunities but not as much. Nice working environment. Good perks. Because it's so close no breakfast clubs. Could do all school stuff easily.

I have 2 kids. One about to start school next year. One with autism. A useless husband and challenging marriage. I'm overweight and tired all the time. I'm the breadwinner in the house and quite career driven

I want to go for Job A. But husband and friend telling me im being mad.

What do you think? A or B.

Will something like Job A come round again (I strongly suspect it will). If yes, the B for the next few years. I’ve done exactly that and am building CV points and contacts whilst DC finish primary. I’ve been very open with recruiters that this is my approach and without exception they say that that is fine and won’t hold me back later.

Job B. Having a child at school is actually a lot more work than having a younger child - in terms of time management. Homework, classroom events (sports day, meet the teacher, stay and play etc) plus the never ending school calendar (wear a hat a week on Tues etc). It is exhausting. Also have a useless partner but a low stress, well-paid job - I could not handle more on my plate.

I’ve been exactly in your shoes except hubby is awesome but worked abroad in the week.

I have done both jobs - job a and b.
Trust me - job b all day long.

The stress and potential burnout of job a as it’s isn’t sustainable isn’t worth it.

Work life balance is important and wasting 90 minutes a day is a lot. I drove that each way for many years and it did me in.

Think long term and overall what’s best for you, your family and situation. Good luck.

I would never go for job a in a million years. But I’m not that career driver and priorities a work life balance over everything else!

Job B. No question.

Job A for the single reason that it’s what you want and that matters.

I'm ridiculously ambitious and have just moved to job A, but that's because DS is nearly 8 and I now have the head space. In your situation, definitely job B for the next couple of years then look at job A again.

It's not this sector but if you imagine Job A is working in more junior role for Google and Job B is more senior for a medium sized family-friendly IT company. Hence why same money.

DH really is useless. and becoming quite nasty with it too.

I want Job A a lot and really think it could be first step to lots of exciting things. but i might be starry eyed abotu the status part of it & not beign practical

Also, if DH and i continue down this path and we may split - which i hope doesn't happen - but i can't put up with this forever - then perhaps Job B is far more sensible as its steady. predictable. be there for all the school stuff.

i don't know how i'd made Job A work as a single mum. though many do of course.

the thought of dropping my kids off at 8.30am every morning and then being at my desk by 9am. that does sound pretty lovely. compared to dropping them off at 7.30am every morning and running to a train station, then tube, then a walk and being at my desk at 9.30am (just).

OP we make it work. I'm a lone parent and took the A job a couple of years ago.

What money are we talking about? Enough to get decent wrap around care? An au pair type situation so the DC get to be home a bit more?

Be ambitious for yourself, but make sure there is real opportunity to succeed and get promoted at A.

I guess I'm in your job A, or very similar. It simply wouldn't have been possible at the start without DH pulling his weight. I'm established now (and dc are a little older, but still primary age) so I could manage alone if needed, but it would have been hell in the early years. In your shoes I'd take job B but keep my eyes open for opportunities to move to a type-A role that suited me better.

Job B, no question.

I obviously don't know the extent of difficulty your child's ASD presents, but if you ask me if you have a ND family, deliberately pushing yourself to your limits work wise is not a wise decision.
Both parents should be able to up their game if need be, and it seems like job A wouldn't enable you to do that.

Is it tech OP? I have a senior role in tech, I'm a lone parent and I make it work. I think company culture is important. I took the job A but there is a lot of flexibility and WFH etc

I am actually kind of shocked on the amount of people telling you to take the meh job, I'd be pushing myself especially as your DH sounds bloody useless.

I guess the key question is how flexible will job A be if you are expected to travel and there is a family emergency / ill child ? what happens when the trains are late / cancelled - who will pick the kids up ?

You have said yourself DH effectively can’t be relied on. A potential recipe for even more stress in your life and for no more money. While I am all for careers & opportunities I think at this point in your life it might prove to be one challenge too much. On balance I think I would go with Job B for the present and think about more challenge once your DD are a bit older and more settled their school routine etc.

You don’t mention the challenges your DC with autism faces but the significant changes Job A would bring might cause significant issues for this DC which would be very hard to manage on top of a very stressful job which will by definition require you to be much more hands off / arms length.

Job b. Get a good routine going, prove yourself, get some excellent reviews, then leave your Dh. Go for job A when your kids are a bit older and don’t need wraparound child care, and you know you can make it work without that waste of space

I agree but there are a lot of people on here whose priority work wise is as much money as they can get for good work life balance. Which is fine if that is your priority but it isn't if you actually enjoy your career and get real satisfaction from greater challenge

The other thing I would say is that the commute doesn't have to be a drag. You can read and relax on the train if that's your bag. You can also do life admin.

Job B. You have enough pressures as it is. Jobs like A will be around in the future.

No brainer for me - job B, but maybe we are opposite personalities. The 2 hour commute alone would be enough to rule out job A for me. But high pressure, huge workload, no time for hobbies sounds sounds awful - for me. Sounds like it would suck the life out of me and leave nothing left for my free time except rest and recuperation - not proper leisure. Saying that, more 'boring', tedious jobs can also be a problem though, in other ways... Good luck.

OP you say you're overweight and tired all the time, there is no way that is going to change (IMO) if you take job A. Use the extra time from job B to cook healthy meals, do some exercise and get a decent nights sleep. You also have an autistic child and if they are anything like mine the only think they want after a long day at school is to come home and chill out, not be in after school club (or before school club for that matter).

On top of that Job A is going to pay less as you have an expensive commute, I really don't see why you want to go for it especially if it's a lower position. Is it just a case of you think the name of the company sounds impressive?

I'd go with Job B. Whilst Job A is a great opportunity, it's come at the wrong time. Other opportunities will come up with better timing. Job B sounds perfect for your current circumstances

If you take Job A now and burn out dramatically, you'll have burned a bridge with them and won't ever get back into that company or possibly that field (depending how tight knit the field is, people talk between companies etc).

Better to take Job B now and have an easier life until the kids are older. Make sure the child with autism is settled well into school and initial support plans and meetings etc are done. Take the time to sort out your home life- make husband buck his ideas up or leave him and set up a new normal while you're not stressed and doing insane hours working/commuting.

If your husband is as bad as you say, you’re going to split up anyway, so how would you cope with two very small children and those long working hours? If he’s useless now, he’s not going to step up and help you with that when you’ve decided to leave. Surely with a 90 minute commute, even being able to collect from after school clubs would be a struggle.

Then go for Job A in future when you have the time and mental energy to do it justice.

Job A, especiallg now we know its google, a few friends work for google and the working conditions are very good, good benefits and a very good level of flexibility.

I chose the B life at your stage. Didn't apply for the A jobs. Stayed quite part time.

My girls are 10 and 7 (ASD and dyslexia) and I'm ramping my career back up, starting with more hours but available after school most days.

They need me after school, I've had ehcp meetings and teacher meetings, too anxious to go into school times.

I likely won't get a high flying career I could have but I feel comfortable the girls have had me when they've needed me and I've had to energy to support them.

I've done both, although not with kids. If you are driven and you feel you are developing the high pressure 'greedy' jobs can be amazing. There's truth that the more you do the more you can do. But I would say you need solid home support for that, especially with travel.

Job B is solid and safe but I did miss the fire and pressure and drive that came with Job A. Less stress but less oomf. Neither is wrong, but it's a choice.

Also what are the prospects like? Sound better with Job A. You sound quite young and driven. I'd give job A a go before you write it off

Id choose job B unless you plan to leave husband, and have him be primary carer for the kids (so see them weekends).

Thanks for the advice. Need to make a decision in the next day really. I do think it's Job B - but mainly becuase of H.

My kid's nursery is on half-term this week and my H is taking the first two days to look after my 3 year old; so far I've had the 3 year old in with me for 2 meetings while H watches telly saying 'DS won't go to him'; then he went gym at lunch 'just quickly' and din't come back to 2pm- no apology; now he has given DS my phone and put youtube on it and H is watching tiktok.

I'm working in the garage and can hear them next door and it's driving me INSANE.

I actually don't think i can take job A in current situation. I mean maybe i just wouldn't be working from home - if i was in a office he would be forced to look after DS - but would he just give DS a phone all day? At THREE years old!

Job A - if i was in the office all day could H become resident parent?

Oh - so hard. I just can't do what i want with my career with current issues with marriage.

Thank you. It's probably Job B and a divorce for me.