To choose the high pressure job

[PizzaByTheSlice]

2 job offers on table. Both are same money.

Job A. 90 min/2 hr commute (v expensive train) Could WFH a bit. High pressure. Huge workload. Would need to travel round the country. No time to do hobbies. Where I've wanted to work for long time. Bit scary. Doing stuff ive never done before. Lots of opportunities. V early starts. Lots of breakfast clubs etc for kids.

Job B. 10 min commute in car. Could WFH half the week. Low pressure. Normal workload. Similar organisation and job to what I've done before. Also some career opportunities but not as much. Nice working environment. Good perks. Because it's so close no breakfast clubs. Could do all school stuff easily.

I have 2 kids. One about to start school next year. One with autism. A useless husband and challenging marriage. I'm overweight and tired all the time. I'm the breadwinner in the house and quite career driven

I want to go for Job A. But husband and friend telling me im being mad.

What do you think? A or B.

Definitley job B. I would never consider a job with a commute like that.

B. You need to be (physically and mentally) present for your kids. Someone recently told me you need to make a job work for you, and B does that.

I can understand the attraction of job A, especially if it feels like it is a way for you to escape your status quo. It sounds like you need an exit from your current situation, but job A isn’t it.

pre kids I loved working long hours and was very career driven. It was a big part of my identity, and an exciting part of my life. Post kids I have had to find different ways to feel freedom/ excitement/ opportunity, because the big jobs are just not compatible with family life. It is shit but there you go. You are lucky enough to have a choice, and I don’t think you will regret being able to be there for school pick ups/ drop offs, parents evenings etc. I would choose job B.

can you think of it in terms of 5 years at a time? This 5 years is about getting your kids established in school and building a community of friends and parents. In 5 years you might be better placed to get a different kind of job.

(what happens with your marraige is another question!)

For the same money Job B
You sound like you're close to burnout as it is with possibly challenging times ahead. Many years ago now when my situation was similar to yours I had a job A and it was just too much, I had nothing left in the tank when I got home for my kids.

Job B for sure! 100%!

If Job A gives you much more potential for your future career, so the short term pain will be worth it, go for that. Otherwise choose B.

My career climb has also been very slow. Had kids at 25 and 35. First promotion at 32, then 33, then 41. I'm 44 and will consider my final one at 46/47 ish when youngest is at high school.

No option to negotiate further with job A, since you have an on paper better offer with job B?
I understand the attraction of something exciting out of the house when home sounds challenging, but couldn’t you take B and use some of the extra time/money to have nice things for you?

If you turn down job A, how likely are you to find a similar job in a few years' time?
Also if you go for job A now and it doesn't work out, how easily will it be for you to walk into a job B sort of role? The answer to these two questions would influence my decision.

B. Why give yourself unnecessary stress for the same pay? And you do have to think about what’s best for the kids. Would they be ok with all the extra breakfast clubs? How soon in job A before you burn out trying to carry all the extra responsibility, dealing with a long commute every day? Job A is not the answer to your problems OP

What is it about job A you want so much? As an observer it feels like it's a fantasy - almost that you're running away to it. Blissful long commutes to read a book or have a gin on the way home. Can't be the one called into school cos you're so far away. DH forced to do stuff that you can't make him take on atm.
I would go job B
Book some counselling and a PT at the gym and leave early for those.
You sound depressed and looking for an escape so maybe a visit to the GP
💐

Depends on whether you are wanting to end your relationship? If you are and think this will precipitate it and lead to greater financial opportunities/freedom in the future then go for it. There may be a toll on your children potentially depending if partner steps up at all. That of course is a joint responsibility but something to consider.

The “easier” choice is job B, but it’s not easy having a useless partner in any circumstances. That is your real problem.

I think the decision here comes with maturity.

I had the choice between a similar scenario and chose job B. In part because we knew we wanted another child which I’ve just had!

Best decision I made, no regrets. Actually listened to the advice of my parents too which I wouldn’t have done in my 20s.

I would do job A. Sounds like you are genuinely excited about it and that helps so much.

I don't think breakfast club is a big deal.

I would have a go at negotiating with job A though - pay rise to compensate for the train fares?

I would view not WFH as a plus with a lazy DH, he will expect you to do everything if you're physically at home

Job A and negotiate for higher pay/make them pay the commute/extra day WFH. You've got two offers, so might as well use the opportunity rather than simply turn one down.

Job A sounds like a recipe for a burnout. It's sounds exploitative and ulimatelly it pays less than job B, because of all the extra work and commuting. It also sounds like it's more hype than quality.

Job B would be my choice, as well as divorcing your useless husband.

Your choice of course.

for me, it’s B by a country mile

If you give a shit about your kids surely it would be job B, you only get this time with them once.

I’d also add red flags for me when trying to negotiate job A were them refusing to put anything in writing giving me flexibility with number of days wfh, start and finish times etc.

and when I asked the hiring manager to articulate what she saw the main aims / key achievements and outputs of the job in the first six months, she gave a very waffly response.

I think you feel if you take job A your dh will step up? He won't. Or he probably won't so you will be juggling even more.

Take job B. Also get DH to step up as it sounds like he does very little now then when he is doing his fair share and children are a bit older find a job A.

A high pressure commute is an absolute killer. And I'd worry about how forgiving an employer might be if I struggled to deliver in the role because of non-work factors especially when a new employee is very disposable - if you were to fail probation/otherwise leave not on good terms you're stuck with them as a referee for the next 5 years.

You said both are the same money - does A come with a bonus?
What about in the next 5 years, will A pay more over time?

If the answer is yes to the above, I'd go for A. Sounds like if you didn't like A in 12 months time you could find another job just like B since you say you already have experience in this.

Is job A more attractive because there's more chance of promotion therefore more money and perks etc? I would take A because I wouldn't want to settle for B. But I'm a lot older and don't have small children. If you can put in the infrastructure to allow A go for it.

Job B all the way, and I'm super career focused OP. If job A was 30k a year more or something I'd get it but you're going to lose money and time, and gain stress? Nah. You might actually scupper your future career by going for something super ambitious at the wrong moment and crashing/burning out. Sounds like you're mid career? Come at it again in a few years.

Job b without s doubt.

If you haven't got a child at school yet you have no idea how difficult it is fitting in socialising and homework and days off etc.

It's nothing like nursery.