To not want to visit a hospital ward filled with Covid?

[Donm999]

So elderly DM went into hospital last weekend. She’s in general poor health, doesn’t look after herself at all, but nothing to the point of life threatening (although no doubt one day it will be!).

I work full time, have a small child and live about a 40 minute drive away. Have phoned every day, sorted stuff out for her on demand (spent an hour on the phone last night trying to sort out hospital tv!) and went down Sunday and Weds. When I arrive Weds I’m told she has contracted Covid and she and her whole ward have got it. I go in with mask on but only stay a few minutes.

Fast forward to today; just had upsetting phone call with DM who has said she has ‘nobody’, that other people are visiting and sitting with their relatives, that people (me) should be visiting regardless. When I challenged this I was told my attitude was ‘disgusting’. I eventually ended the call.

I am now sitting in between feeling guilty and upset and pissed off and, to be honest, unloved by her. These are not new feelings as it is a very difficult relationship; it is always all about her and I often only feature as her scapegoat/flunky. I will put serious money on the fact my brother will not have received this call.

To add context - despite how I feel I would have gone down today out of duty. However, I feel spending an hour on a ward filled with Covid - even with a mask on - presents a high risk of contracting it. I’ve had Covid about 4 times now, and each time it’s taken me a good month to get over (longer the first couple of times). My husband has been the same (who I would likely pass it onto). To me, the risk does not feel ok for me or my family for what would be a nicety for my mum. And if the situations were reversed I would absolutely be telling people not to visit me! However, my DM doesn’t seem to give 2 figs.

As the icing on the cake - it’s my birthday this week and were due to go away next weekend - all of which will be nicely cancelled by Covid if I get it!

YABU - Covid's not even a thing now, no one gets that ill so ‘man up’ and visit
YANBU - Stay away!!!! (And ignore your clearly narcissistic mother!).

I think it depends how seriously ill your Mum is really. If it’s something she’s likely to get over in a few days (apart from the Covid) and is managing okay generally then it’s fine not to visit. You can and are still in contact.

Can nobody else help?
I don’t stop my life for covid but I can understand why you want to avoid getting ill for your birthday.

Her being unwell and having covid alongside her hospital stay will probably be making her more emotional. Try not to take it to heart.

YANBU.

you have every right to feel however you want to feel about it and don’t let her manipulate you into feeling guilty! I’ve just gotten over my 3rd time having Covid and I was SO sick with it this time around- you have responsibilities that you need to prioritise and your mother should understand that- no WAY would I knowingly want my DS to visit me if I knew I had Covid and was surrounded in a ward with multiple other Covid cases ❤️‍🩹

I'm with you 100%. A woman turned up today with a rotten cold and I avoided her as, no thanks! Some things aren't good to share...

She's not at deaths door and she sounds ungrateful, you have done enough, keep yourself safe to maximise enjoying your holiday and she will have to call your golden balls brother if she needs something.

Nope, she went in with dehydration and high blood sugar (she is a type 2 diabetic who lives on coffee, coke and cakes!). She is is poor health but this is ongoing. She has dipped since having Covid - but on the mend now and nothing to think she won’t recover.

This is exactly how I feel - I would never want someone to get ill for the sake of cheering me up. I’d rather just talk on the phone and be a bit lonely lol. But then my world extends beyond my own needs and wishes…

Just feels like another sign that no matter what I do for her I just don’t matter as a separate person. 😕

Could you say to your DM what you have said here about how ill covid has made you before and you just can't risk it but will be in to see her as soon as the risk has reduced?

Does she have a smartphone for a face call, perhaps away from the main ward? You have to do what's best for you really despite the guilt tripping.

I wouldn't go. Last year my MIL gave us all covid (she knew she was ill, but came round anyway coughing and sneezing everywhere), including our 12 month old, and we were so ill. I wouldn't go somewhere knowing people have covid, same as if they all had norovirus or flu.

It sounds like you've done more than enough to make her hospital stay as comfortable as possible.

Maybe you just need to admit it's your mum you don't want to visit, not the hospital ward full of covid. That's just the excuse you want validated.

Am willing to admit I don’t want to visit her. It is very sadly not pleasant to spend any time with her in general these days and I am often treated appallingly; my phone call to her on Thursday was greeted with ‘What the hell do you want?”

however, the daughter responsibility means I do it anyway usually at emotional cost to myself. The added dimension of physical cost has swayed it.

If anything, the difficult relationship has made the guilt worse as end up questioning if I am just ‘making excuses’ so I hear what you are saying.

How dare she speak to you like that.. “what the hell do you want”

Does she normally speak to you like this? What about your brother visiting.

Dont let her speak like this and I would be tempted to say please don’t be so rude and speak to me like this.

I think you are using Covid as an excuse to not visit your mum. That’s fine but own your decision. I work in a hospital and staff do not use/ take Covid tests. So there may be many staff in a hospital with Covid. The advice is that if we feel too ill to be at work, we phone in sick. But Covid may not make a person feel ill, so they will be working.

I've got Covid right now and it's been bloody awful this time so I don't blame you.

Forgive me if I'm wrong but I also had a 'difficult' mother and this would be all about appearances, as in wanting to look good to everyone around, rather than having you visit because she loves and needs you. Any loving mother would tell you to stay away to protect your family from infection, thats what i would say to my adult children, try not to feel guilty or be manipulated by her (although I full well know how difficult that is because we were trained from birth) 💐

YANBU

I've been the responsible daughter. It's fucking exhausting, ay? Fuck her, you can't win so drop the rope. Please put yourself first.

Yeah tbh I'm a month in and I'm still rough as

It seems reasonable not to want to visit the person who greets your phone-call with “what the hell do you want”.

She is ill - and bad-temper does come with illness - but this is not the way to tempt you to her side!

Life can be a learning experience. If you stay away - she will have time to reflect.

Going along to the ward despite being spoken to like this gives out the message that you don't mind or that it is fine to talk to you in that way.

You do mind and it isn't!

What would be gained by you visiting rather than safely calling?
She would get to show off her status as valued parent - and perhaps to see at close-quarters the effects of her barbs.
You would risk illlness and have to put up with being used and abused! I don't think that your mother would appreciate your presence enough for this - do you?

Phoning would be daughterly - and forgiving. Going to the ward when you really don't want to would be a step into martyrdom

Is she allowed visitors? Covid patients were isolated when my mum was in hospital in the summer.

I wouldn't go as I was very poorly with it last year.

@Donm999 Just for context I sympathise with you on hospital TV... I've also spent a good portion of my life helping df with stuff like that.

Being old and alone is extremely frightening and your dm has a right to feel terrified she knows the end of her time on earth is coming and she's in a disgusting system where she has to rely on you for help with the hospital TV??

However it's also your right to say mum, I know your struggling but I've spent x time helping with xyz and it's not fair to expect us to contact covid...

Have you not had the jabs? 🤔

I had the jabs and boosters and was ill for a month, 2 weeks in bed. I would NOT be walking into a Covid ward!