To not want to visit a hospital ward filled with Covid?

[Donm999]

So elderly DM went into hospital last weekend. She’s in general poor health, doesn’t look after herself at all, but nothing to the point of life threatening (although no doubt one day it will be!).

I work full time, have a small child and live about a 40 minute drive away. Have phoned every day, sorted stuff out for her on demand (spent an hour on the phone last night trying to sort out hospital tv!) and went down Sunday and Weds. When I arrive Weds I’m told she has contracted Covid and she and her whole ward have got it. I go in with mask on but only stay a few minutes.

Fast forward to today; just had upsetting phone call with DM who has said she has ‘nobody’, that other people are visiting and sitting with their relatives, that people (me) should be visiting regardless. When I challenged this I was told my attitude was ‘disgusting’. I eventually ended the call.

I am now sitting in between feeling guilty and upset and pissed off and, to be honest, unloved by her. These are not new feelings as it is a very difficult relationship; it is always all about her and I often only feature as her scapegoat/flunky. I will put serious money on the fact my brother will not have received this call.

To add context - despite how I feel I would have gone down today out of duty. However, I feel spending an hour on a ward filled with Covid - even with a mask on - presents a high risk of contracting it. I’ve had Covid about 4 times now, and each time it’s taken me a good month to get over (longer the first couple of times). My husband has been the same (who I would likely pass it onto). To me, the risk does not feel ok for me or my family for what would be a nicety for my mum. And if the situations were reversed I would absolutely be telling people not to visit me! However, my DM doesn’t seem to give 2 figs.

As the icing on the cake - it’s my birthday this week and were due to go away next weekend - all of which will be nicely cancelled by Covid if I get it!

YABU - Covid's not even a thing now, no one gets that ill so ‘man up’ and visit
YANBU - Stay away!!!! (And ignore your clearly narcissistic mother!).

Putting aside the difficult relationship dynamics, I wouldn't be visiting a ward full of patients with Covid.

I'm fully vaccinated and healthy but Covid has really knocked me when I've had it before and the reports of the current strain are awful and people are getting really unwell. This has come from a Dr friend as well as the media.

So I'd say whatever the circumstances it's ok to say you can't visit at the moment.

She is absolutely using those well rehearsed strategies to make you feel guilty and get you there. Some of it will be for appearances as others have said and also to reinforce that control and power she has because she knows it's slipping.

Covid or not, it's ok to say no I'm not visiting. This is a chance for you to think about what your boundaries and limits are in the future. When her care needs increase so will that sense of guilt and duty.

How much can you do and protect yourself emotionally? The honest answer might be nothing or not much. That's ok, it really is.

I've had a toxic parent and I made a firm decision that I was not able to be involved in their care at all and I stuck to that.
I was judged and people tried to make me feel guilty but I was secure in my decision. Health and social care will also want to reel you into providing support but you don't have to. It's not your job, it's not your responsibility.

Thanks for the messages. Glad most think I'm not BU. I can see how someone who isn’t really ill with covid wouldn’t get it.

As update: DM messaged me this morning saying how disgusting the medicine she just had is. This is the usual form; she’s awful and then just completely ignores that and we’re expected to pretend it never happened.

Probably done the wrong thing but sent her this message today:
I'm still really upset about our talk last night. You know I would have visited this weekend if not for Covid and have called you every day, sorted stuff out etc. Being told I'm not doing anything for you is not fair.
I've had covid 4 times and every time I'm really ill for at least a month. So is (DH) who I would pass it onto. Some people don't get very ill so may be happy to visit. Masks reduce risk by about 50% but don't get rid of it. Also if I get it I won't be able to help you once u get home.
Just wanted to explain as got yelled at when I tried yesterday.

No reply yet. She will probably just ignore it!

OK. I wouldn't send a snippy text to someone elderly, alone and ill, but you must do whatever you feel is best.

It wasn’t a snippy message.

It is

That's not snippy. It's a statement of fact.

It wasn't snippy.

I guess if you want to perceive it that way and not really understanding the thread.

Flip, they’re not much use are they?

outsource the decision for a quiet life.

Ring 111 and ask them if it is advisable to visit given your history, they will say no and you can tell your Mum you would visit but you’ve been advised not to due to your high susceptibility to Covid. Or you could just tell her your doctor said that, if you are happy with stretching the truth,..

Yep, a five year old. Who I would not dream of taking anywhere near the ward - despite her so far being no more than mildly ill with Covid on any of the occasions. I guess that’s how you should feel when it’s your child…lol.

I would have thought your five year old is going to be your biggest chance of getting Covid in the long run. DS has a 6 year old and 4 year old. They have brought home every virus going, since they started nursery!

We were taking DS and family out for a meal last weekend. I said I wouldn’t go, as I had a cold and didn’t want to pass it to them. DS told me if I felt too ill, that was up to me, but he doesn’t care about colds or Covid - because the children bring so much home from school!

Lol just popped back on to find the it is/isn’t snippy debate.

Honestly, I wrote it with the intention of being factual, calmly assertive and no intention of snippiness. Looking back I can possibly see how someone could interpret it that way but glad some don’t think it was.

Out of interest - I expected no response from DM as that’s form but she messaged back saying ‘Ok point taken’ and then turned the message back around to how ill she’s been. We’ve spoken since and she’s been fairly pleasant so I think she knows she’d pushed me too far and will now be nice for a bit (usual form also!). So in the very least she didn’t find it snippy.

Yep they are total germ factories! He’s not wrong.

However, my take on it is (short of home-hazmat suits!) that kiddy germs are an unavoidable risk. Going into a covid-rich ward is an avoidable risk. I’m trying to limit the avoidable risk elements this winter.

I only wish everyone else thought the same and cared as much about not spreading illnesses as you do OP. Even if you had never had Covid or it had not affected you very much.

I think you make a good point here.

We all know that you could encounter covid anywhere.

But that's not the same as knowingly entering a place where there are definitely people with covid.

It's an important difference

Yes.I think, just because you’ve had your vaccinations, doesn’t mean you’re not going to pick up goodness knows what, different strains of covid etc.Yesterday, a relative was going to visit my mum, said her partner had covid, had tested positive.She felt ok, no symptoms, as you mentioned this was avoidable, asked her if she could visit another time not worth chancing it.
Understand you can get it anywhere, however close proximity, knowing the person has been in regular contact with someone with covid, not worth the risk.

I wouldn’t go into a ward filled with flu or norovirus or covid.
And I wish they’d close the ward to stop the spread as well!

No way would I visit someone with covid unless they were seriously ill.

I have never knowingly had Covid, and we had to do a lot of testing; but I went to see MIL in an elderly care unit, even though the staff informed us, there was Covid; because I suspected she was dying. She did die. I didn’t get Covid.

I don’t go out of my way to avoid it, but I wouldn’t be intentionally visiting a covid ward either.

I did with my Mom. She waiting for a free bed in a nursing home and the ward had covid so I'd spend all day with her as she had onset dementia. I had to wear a mask, the nurses had them but none of the patients did.

I had the worst relationship with my Mom out of my siblings because she was a narcissist who constantly went on at me, everything was my fault and she was too old to look after my child when asked but looked after everyone else's younger than mine children.

She was so close to all my siblings, they got daughter birthday cards with lots of love inside, I got generic cards with next wishes.

Not one of them visited her in hospital. Because she was scared and confused, I couldn't let her be alone. Ironically my name and face was the only one she didn't forget towards the end and she would cry and get distressed if "strange" people were in her room.

Other than one of the carers who was a 6ft 3 black man and he used to sit with my Mom and sing to her because she thought he was her Dad 😭

If I had Covid I’d be telling people not to visit me.

YANBU.
Protect yourself and your family. If you had Covid she wouldn't want you anywhere near her.
Can you facetime her? and it gets cut-off after 5 minutes due to poor connection.

I'm surprised they are allowing visitors.

MIL is in hospital atm and the ward is closed to visitors because of a Covid outbreak.

I disagree