To not want to visit a hospital ward filled with Covid?

[Donm999]

So elderly DM went into hospital last weekend. She’s in general poor health, doesn’t look after herself at all, but nothing to the point of life threatening (although no doubt one day it will be!).

I work full time, have a small child and live about a 40 minute drive away. Have phoned every day, sorted stuff out for her on demand (spent an hour on the phone last night trying to sort out hospital tv!) and went down Sunday and Weds. When I arrive Weds I’m told she has contracted Covid and she and her whole ward have got it. I go in with mask on but only stay a few minutes.

Fast forward to today; just had upsetting phone call with DM who has said she has ‘nobody’, that other people are visiting and sitting with their relatives, that people (me) should be visiting regardless. When I challenged this I was told my attitude was ‘disgusting’. I eventually ended the call.

I am now sitting in between feeling guilty and upset and pissed off and, to be honest, unloved by her. These are not new feelings as it is a very difficult relationship; it is always all about her and I often only feature as her scapegoat/flunky. I will put serious money on the fact my brother will not have received this call.

To add context - despite how I feel I would have gone down today out of duty. However, I feel spending an hour on a ward filled with Covid - even with a mask on - presents a high risk of contracting it. I’ve had Covid about 4 times now, and each time it’s taken me a good month to get over (longer the first couple of times). My husband has been the same (who I would likely pass it onto). To me, the risk does not feel ok for me or my family for what would be a nicety for my mum. And if the situations were reversed I would absolutely be telling people not to visit me! However, my DM doesn’t seem to give 2 figs.

As the icing on the cake - it’s my birthday this week and were due to go away next weekend - all of which will be nicely cancelled by Covid if I get it!

YABU - Covid's not even a thing now, no one gets that ill so ‘man up’ and visit
YANBU - Stay away!!!! (And ignore your clearly narcissistic mother!).

Thank you, that’s a really good insight. The phone call was very much about ‘others visiting, they’re prepared to’ so you may be spot on. Keeping up her own appearance as being a wonderful mother would be important to her and I hadn’t thought of that. The from birth training is definitely difficult to ignore 🫣

What is the point of the jabs though? Surely a vaccination is meant to make you immune or something?

Yep! To be fair that was a particularly bad start but not completely out the norm. Supposedly it was also my fault this week that I didn’t tell her she had Covid…🤷‍♀️

You’re right - my martyrdom switch is pretty sensitive!

It just gives your immune system a head start.

People need to understand what covid does to some of us.

I've had all jabs.

I've had covid 4 times.

So I can't get any more "immunity".

It really takes me down. I am in bed/sofa for about a week, after which I take up to 8 weeks to recover properly. My brother ended up in ICU with it (triple jabbed) and nearly died.

It is appalling for your mother to ask you to go onto a ward with loads of covid, given that she knows you suffer with it.

Covid is very much "a thing" for some of us. If it isn't a thing for you, then congratulations. But it is for the OP. Her mother is awful.

No,it boosts your immune system so you don't get it as badly without. I was very ,very ill ,it was horrendous.

If it were me, I’d avoid that ward like the plague.

My mother in hospital has Covid so has been moved. The problem is she has dementia and don’t bloody stay in the special ward. I visited with a mask on and helped her to the loo.i can’t afford to get Covid as I have been off work twice this year and another absence instantly triggers the absence improvement policy. I have been off once in 4 years then twice this year 😭

Very, very ill with the jab or without?

I wouldn't give a monkeys about Covid but I would not want to visit someone who was so grumpy and difficult.

But you must realise you are absolutely the minority - taking months to get over it? Most people just want to get on with their lives.

If Covid still makes you really unwell, definitely avoid the ward.

I’ve had it 3 times now- the third time thankfully I had hardly any symptoms so I’m not scared of it now (DH just has cold symptoms with covid now). If it still made me really ill (was bloody awful the first 2 times) I’d avoid it and definitely not visit a Covid filled ward!

Did you say you had children of your own?

No not always. Some do. Some help with the symptoms. If you’ve had a really bad case of Covid after the jab then you can bet without the jab you’d be in a far worse place.

Really? I saw a post here from someone who has had them all and had had it 4 times really badly. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Stay away. You have the right not to catch an illness that could make you or your family very ill. The fact that your mother can't or won't see this is very sad; but it seems fairly in character from what you've said?

Yep, if it was just a sniffle for me I’d just crack on.

First covid took me 3-4 months to recover from. Last one I’d say 2-3 weeks of feeling really rough and wiped out, then another 2-3 weeks to get back to ‘normal’.

The wider issue is the ‘snowball effect’; the last 2 winters the covid bout in autumn has triggered off some low immunity, meaning I then pick up another bug before fully recovered, followed by another and another until the whole winter is an illness write off. I kid you not; I calculated that between Oct and March last year I was literally ill for 50% of the time. Most of which I was ‘carrying on’ with day to day life just feeling like crap physically and mentally!

My husband was similar and we both vowed this year to do everything we ‘reasonably’ could to minimise contagion risks.

Yep, a five year old. Who I would not dream of taking anywhere near the ward - despite her so far being no more than mildly ill with Covid on any of the occasions. I guess that’s how you should feel when it’s your child…lol.

Surely, everyone knows by now, you can see get covid, even if you’re fully vaccinated.

@Donm999 "Oh, but mum you wouldn't want your daughter and then your GD to contract Covid do you? Oh, you do. Well, I don't so I won't be visiting until it's covidfree at hospital and you will be out of there anyway. If you are really lifethreatening sick they will call me and ofcourse I will come. Be nicer to the nurses than you are to me, they have sharp needles and are not as worn down by your nasty behavior as I am. Ta-da!"

Fewer people die.

With the jab and boosters.

YANBU

I’m like you @Donm999 if I was in a ward full of people with Covid I would be telling people not to visit.

Vaccinated people can still catch COVID just normally not as badly. Nevertheless, it’s not a virus you want to be catching if you can help it, especially as you have plans to go away next weekend.

I would be telling my brother Mum feels lonely in case he wants to help. But equally would respect his views if he’s reluctant to walk into a Covid ward too.