To not want to visit a hospital ward filled with Covid?

[Donm999]

So elderly DM went into hospital last weekend. She’s in general poor health, doesn’t look after herself at all, but nothing to the point of life threatening (although no doubt one day it will be!).

I work full time, have a small child and live about a 40 minute drive away. Have phoned every day, sorted stuff out for her on demand (spent an hour on the phone last night trying to sort out hospital tv!) and went down Sunday and Weds. When I arrive Weds I’m told she has contracted Covid and she and her whole ward have got it. I go in with mask on but only stay a few minutes.

Fast forward to today; just had upsetting phone call with DM who has said she has ‘nobody’, that other people are visiting and sitting with their relatives, that people (me) should be visiting regardless. When I challenged this I was told my attitude was ‘disgusting’. I eventually ended the call.

I am now sitting in between feeling guilty and upset and pissed off and, to be honest, unloved by her. These are not new feelings as it is a very difficult relationship; it is always all about her and I often only feature as her scapegoat/flunky. I will put serious money on the fact my brother will not have received this call.

To add context - despite how I feel I would have gone down today out of duty. However, I feel spending an hour on a ward filled with Covid - even with a mask on - presents a high risk of contracting it. I’ve had Covid about 4 times now, and each time it’s taken me a good month to get over (longer the first couple of times). My husband has been the same (who I would likely pass it onto). To me, the risk does not feel ok for me or my family for what would be a nicety for my mum. And if the situations were reversed I would absolutely be telling people not to visit me! However, my DM doesn’t seem to give 2 figs.

As the icing on the cake - it’s my birthday this week and were due to go away next weekend - all of which will be nicely cancelled by Covid if I get it!

YABU - Covid's not even a thing now, no one gets that ill so ‘man up’ and visit
YANBU - Stay away!!!! (And ignore your clearly narcissistic mother!).

Absolutely don't go, and absolutely don't feel bad about not going. I am fit and healthy, and I've had all my jabs and boosters, and this round of covid has absolutely flattened me. I've been seriously ill for a week and am only just starting to recover. I've had it a couple of times before and it was just like a very bad cold. This variant has been something else! Don't risk it.

I think people with sub par mothers see things differently when they become mothers themselves. A good mum would prioritise you and your family at this stage. It would be different if she was dying!

For people pleasers and the just inherently kind person, it’s a hard lesson to learn as we age that we can’t always help everyone and sometimes even have to let others down. Sometimes you have a lot of duties and needs and have to prioritise.

Usually if you’re a parent your kids - of whatever age - come first and you need to look after yourself too. You can’t pour from an empty cup. At other times, wider family or even close friends take priority because of need or urgency. It’s sometimes a hard call to make. A friend recently had to choose which death bed to attend. Horrible but that’s life.

This is a zombie thread from last October you’ve resurrected. Just FYI!

She's feeling ill and lonely she's lashing out and isn't the best version of herself right now. She's probably scared she is going to die of it. It's not that long ago since deaths were reported daily people are still quite frightened. I was hospitalised with COVID and my family has to mask up and wear protective clothing. I was fortunate that they gave me a private room with a patio door leading outside so we could have the door wide open they did visit me and I was grateful tbh. Minimise your risks but you anbu to want to avoid being ill