Twin mix up...what to do?

[Twinlife2]

For context, my girls are 4 and started school in September. Their teacher has asked a few times how to tell them apart (never me, either my husband or their grandparents when picking them up). This question always makes me feel uncomfortable as if people can stand there and scrutinise their faces to pick out defining features and I worry that these conversations will lead to insecurities in the future.

They aren't identical but admittedly do look similar. To the point, my daughter had an accident form handed to her with her name on it but it wasn't her who had had the accident, it was my other daughter. (It was a lunchtime supervisor who had filled in the form).Fair enough, it does happen. But when my daughter tried to tell the teacher that it hadn't happened to her, the teacher was dismissive and insisted it belonged to the wrong daughter. (They will always tell people who they are and not want to be mixed up).

It's parents evening soon and I'm wondering whether I should bring this up. Am I overreacting for thinking she should have been listened to?

I'm totally new to navigating this at school and any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you!

I think you’re being quite precious around the teacher asking for help in telling them apart! You might not want to hurt the twin’s feelings (?) but the school is clearly having issues telling them apart and needs help from you in finding a way to tell them apart at a glance. Whatever you are currently doing clearly isn’t working. That isn’t supposed to be a personal attack, just feedback on how you can support the school with supporting your girls? Instead you’re banging on about the question making you feel uncomfortable, when it’s a perfectly valid question.

Your twins are the highlight of your life and you can likely tell them apart instinctively but you can’t expect teachers, who are dealing with a bunch of children the same age, to easily tell your twins apart. It’s likely that not only do your twins look alike, but that there’s also dozens of little girls with similar characteristics that also look similar to add to the mix that they’re monitoring all at once.

Worst case scenario, you could make them wear a name badge.

My daughter 11, started primary school with a set of identical female twins. Their mum told me she used just red hair accessories on one twin and blue on the other. They were absolutely identical though, sometimes even their parents got it wrong! As they've grown up though their differences have got slightly more 'different' and then it was easier to tell them apart. I asked their mum if they minded having to do that for the teachers to tell them apart and their parents didn't mind at all. I think it's a good idea. As time goes on I'm sure their regular teachers will be able to tell anyway.

This has happened to my dd with another child that looks similar. They just correct the teacher and move on. But if I had twins in one class, I would just do the different hair colour accessories. For example one white and one black or pink and purple...whatever. And stick with it....bows, clips, headbands always certain colour. Let the teacher know.

I've taught several sets of twins. One pair wore different coloured glasses. Another pair had different hairstyles. Another pair did the hair bobbles thing and another pair had different coloured stripes around their ankle socks.

People are always going to look at your twins and look for differences to identify them. There's nothing you can do about that.

yes. The teacher is asking how to know which child is which. OP can twat around with all the coloured bobbles in the world but the most definitive and accurate way is always going to be to just ASK THEM. But in at least one example the child did tell a teacher and they were ignored.

So of course that is something OP can bring up - she can say I will do X to make it easier to tell them apart, but if they tell you who they are please believe them, even if it might not correlate with the colour hair tie you assumed they should have.

THIS. My sister is a teacher and this works for twins in her class

The problem is they're not trying to work out which was is which and they're not listening to the children.
Less of the fgs.

As others have said the really important point is that in case of accidents, illness and any other really important info that HAS to be about the correct child, this needs sorting out. If Mary says it wasn’t her who bumped her head, it was her sister, then that has to be taken seriously so you definitely need to talk to the teacher about this incident.

Teachers are pulled in a 100 different directions from the time they walk in to the time they leave. It’s a lot to ask that they should always know which twin in which. Seriously I’d ask if they can have a hair ribbon (if they wear them) with their initial on. Or a personalised headband. I know no other kids will be doing this, but as it’s been pointed out, teachers don’t always have time to recall what bobble Mary has.

My children told me and I've seen the form.

These ‘little’ things are part of the parcel which comes with twins unfortunately (using unfortunately loosely). You can’t compare these things to singletons.

I have 7YO identical twins, in the same class and have had the scrutinised difference questions since birth (probably before I even managed to work out the differences). As they are older now and understand the question I don’t like answers which pick out physical differences incase they feel it is a flaw. From day one of school we have always been clear that they would never have the same hairstyle on the same day, they would never have the same school shoes, never the same hair colour etc., I have taken in jest when the teachers have said they struggled at the start to differentiate as the girls themselves. Even if I rocked up to playground when all the kids were playing I’d struggle at times to immediately tell them apart - imagine if you haven’t spent 24/7 with them for years to not have that struggle!

I wouldn’t let a few comments, so early on in the year break down any relationships, I imagine some of the teachers are embarrassed they don’t get the right way around every single time. Approach with the teacher in a way that you understand the difficulties so you will do XYZ to make them different so there are no more mistakes. When they know them well their personalities will be their distinguishing features.

I'm a teacher too so I get it. What I don't get and is really the crux of the issue, is how dismissive she was when my daughter told her.
It was a bump on her head. I COULD have been monitoring the wrong child. Surely that's a safeguarding concern?

I have identical boys and although I found them easy to tell apart (and had genetic testing done because despite having been told through my pregnancy that they were identical was convinced they couldn't be because they looked so different to me!) others didn't, especially if they weren't next to each other.

Anyway, at preschool they were always dressed in either red or green tops (same colour per boy throughout)
When they started reception, I sewed a name tape onto their collar to help the teacher out, but said I would only do that for the first half term, by which time I assumed that their teacher and classmates would know who was who. I decided that that was probably a better option than the boys constantly being asked 'which one are you?'

They are teenagers now and people still get them mixed up and they don't even look that alike!!

Oh for god’s sake yes, people have trouble telling siblings apart. I have twin sisters in law and twin nieces—its very hard to tell them apart. Dressing differently or wearing distinctive jewelry or hair ornaments lets them develop independent identities with their social circle. Its not an insult.

The accident incident seems completely different to the first paragraph. Yes you should be raising that.

The first paragraph I don't follow, they have asked how to identify them, surely a response would be, x will always have clips or whatever.

My friend has just removed her four year old from nursery for misidentification. They called her and said her child had a rash and they had called ahead to surgery and made emergency appointment could she come and take them.

Her child was at home sat next to her.

Yes, it is. But do you know exactly what your daughter said? I’m not implying she would lie to you, but she is only 4 or 5. She might have said "I hurt my head" or "I need an accident form" and the teacher (having been given incorrect information by the MDSA) might easily assume that the child just wanted to be the same as her sister. I doubt if she said "No, there’s been a mistake, the dinner lady mixed our names up. It wasn’t my sister who was hurt, it was me."

It does need sorting out but I think you’re making too much of it, especially with talk of the teacher being "dismissive" - surprising since you’re a teacher.

They could wear a little coloured badge on their jumper

The trouble is though if you don’t know which one is which to begin with it doesn’t help that they’re dressed differently.

Two points here and they pull in different directions-

1. the teacher asking how to tell your girls apart. This is a completely reasonable question if they are very similar and you can help out by getting them different haircuts or different clips or whatever.
2. the form being given to the wrong girl. This is an issue and of course the teacher should have listened to your daughter (although do bear in mind that your daughter may not have been as clear as she thought she was). BUT this is surely mainly an example of why it's important to help the staff tell your daughters apart. There may be smaller things where even the girls don't know they are being mixed up (eg one girl is seen running in the corridor and told off. Later a different girl is running in the corridor and gets a harsher telling off because the teacher thinks she's a repeat offender but actually it's a different twin- no one would ever know there had been a mix up including the girls.)

The more I think about it, the more I think different haircuts are the best idea.

Colour-coded clips sound like a good idea.
I dont like the unnecessary snarky comment though.

@Minfilia
When I was doing supply teaching in a high school I did this, it went on a few weeks until I saw them together in one lesson I was mortified. I asked them why they didn’t mention anything, they replied they thought I was just weird 😂

shout both names

Not all of them, my 11 year old is slightly taller than my 13 year old. Luckily they look different.

To be fair the majority have also said to raise the issue of the child being ignored by the Teacher.

And everyone is telling her to use different coloured clips etc because she refuses to tell the Teacher the physical characteristic that sets them apart

I have twins, they are not identical but they are the same height, same hair colour and some people struggle to tell which one is which.

I have focused on their individuality since birth and never dress them the same. They have different interests - I have tried to focus on differences since birth. We all point out the differences to people who struggle. At 8 they now point it out themselves. It’s not a big deal. Mine are confident and happy in themselves. They just say x has this feature but look at me carefully I don’t. After a few weeks it usually sinks in. The person then may say ‘ah no freckle you are Z’ but this stops pretty quickly too. They correct the person every time they use the wrong name and remind them of a difference.

Some people have facial blindness and are not aware.

Funnily one of my twins can tell identical twins apart and laughs when others can’t. Voices, small gestures and small facial details are the trick according to her.

My daughter actually had a doppleganger in her class. All of the teachers mixed them up In the end, me and the Mum got together and suggested her DD should wear plaits and my DD should wear a ponytail. They were mistaken for identical twins.

Sorted. Don't be precious about having twins. Given they're not even identical, they'll probably start looking quite different anyway as they get older.