Angry with son for abandoning daughter on night out

[maxtheblackcat]

I need some perspective before I say anything as I’m so angry right now I could be very unfair.
I have lived a very sheltered life, I know this and try to be mindful that it can make me naive. My son who is 25 lives in London, his girlfriend works in the fashion and entertainment industry and has some friends who are actors/musicians/models. Not your household names but none the less famous and have some influence. We are down visiting son in London, my daughter who’s 19 came with us. My daughter is on a gap year, she isn’t the most confident and doesn’t really do the whole drinking/club scene. Even if she did our nearest clubs are small so a very different feel.
Some of sons girlfriends friends were planning a night out, they had a reservation at a lovely expensive restaurant and then were on the guest list for a seemingly high end/exclusive club. My daughter ended up invited, she was hesitant but decided to go as she felt it was an opportunity she didn’t want to miss, and I get it if I was 19 if want to hang out with musicians and actors and models too! She was nervous but my son and his girlfriend promised they’d keep an eye on her.
We don’t hear anything most of the night until about half past midnight when my daughter calls me in tears, she says she stepped out as she felt really uncomfortable, that she’d gone to the bathroom and the girl who had got them on the guest list was sniffing coke, older guys were being provocative, she didn’t know where son or his girlfriend were. I told her to call him and get him to either put her in a cab back to the hotel or take her home, she was panicking and not used to London at all and nervous of being in a cab alone late at night.
Typically he didn’t answer, she tried the girlfriend too no answer, we tried them both. We then told her to go back in and find him but the security guard wouldn’t let her unless the girl who she was a guest off (so girlfriends friend) came out and verified who she was and let her in. I’m not sure if this is standard practice but obviously, my DD doesn’t know this girl at all and had no way of contacting this girl and the security guard wasn’t helpful at all. My daughter was panicking and a group of girls walking by noticed and helped her get a cab back to the hotel. Luckily she’s here with us now and while shaken up she’s okay. We have always taught our kids to never be around people doing drugs and had a “fly with the crows, shot with the crows” mantra. My daughter said this is the first time she’d ever actually seen anyone doing lines of cocaine and the men were being so sleazy.
We still haven’t heard from my son which makes me think he hasn’t even noticed that she isn’t there!!

AIBU to be absolutely disgusted with him and beyond angry? He knew that his sister was new to all of this and promised to look out for her! My husband thinks it’s unfair to ask him to babysit his adult sister and she just shouldn’t have gone if she wasn’t going to be able to handle it. He thinks it was naive of me to think models, actors and musicians wouldn’t be doing drugs.

If your daughter is 19 and can't cope with this, she shouldn't go to clubs full stop. Your son isn't responsible for the actions of other people at this event. Nor should he be held responsible for baby sitting his little sister.

Yes, maybe he should look out for her, but her reaction of immaturity and naivety does make me think that he's fed up of it and feels like he's a babysitter and he resent having to do this for a grown woman.

There's some wider family dynamics going on here - infantilising your daughter and the expectation that your son be the one who has to deal with it.

This has golden child/scapegoat written all over it.

Same in our family. I’d be giving DS a big kick up the bum if he wasn't looking out for his sister. But also if she wasn’t looking out for him, however old they are. That’s the way families should work surely, find it very odd that anyone would think otherwise.

I think most 19 year olds would know how to call a cab in London. It’s a busy place at night. There are always plenty of black taxis, or the app cabs.🤷‍♀️

To be honest, I think most of the responsibility lies on you rather than either of them.

I would never go to a city I don't know at night, particularly a large city, without a taxi number/Uber app, checked the map of the area I'm going to for tube stations, check the bus routes, make a plan in case I get lost...

That's basic planning and navigating skills, the fact that your daughter doesn't know that and you didn't think to tell her is a parenting mistake in my opinion.

How is it golden child dynamics hahaha?! He said he’d look after her and did fuck all.

Of course not, that’s ridiculous, just needs common sense approach. If she’s out of view for some time surely he should go and look for her. People are ignoring her personality type, not all 19 year olds are the same. I could have managed in that situation and so could my 14 year old daughter who is extremely street! However her brother said he would look after her as she hasn’t had this type of exposure before. End of.

From previous threads, there are a surprising number of MNers who use coke or who partner people who use coke.

I'd imagine that is one of the factors behind the attitudes the op is dealing with..

I remember some messy nights at that age. Not being able to find friends, going outside and not being let back into a club, this stuff happens especially if everyone is drunk. Regardless of who is right or wrong, how the night unfolded is just not a big deal or shouldn't be. DD had a slightly shit ending to a night out, that's all.

Can I suggest you download a taxi app on her phone and enter your credit card details so she knows she can always get a taxi home if she needs one.

I'd imagine she wasn't super keen on getting in one herself.

Which is understandable.

She was not expecting to go home alone.

Well we could all think that way about everyone, 'I don't look after anyone and I don't expect anyone to look after me', but then that wouldn't be a very nice world.

‘she didn’t know where son or his girlfriend were. I told her to call him and get him to either put her in a cab back to the hotel or take her home, she was panicking and not used to London at all and nervous of being in a cab alone late at night.’

Your son was in a nightclub, he wouldn’t have heard his phone. YOU spoke to her and knew she felt overwhelmed and were nearby but didn't go to meet her/pick her up. It’s yourself you should be angry with.

Exactthis. Sorry, but you’ve done her a huge disservice by letting her reach 19 without being taught this skills of how to call a taxi when needed etc.
She needs to be able to act independently, use her initiative etc as there will be times in life that she has to face situations where there isn’t mum/ dad/ big brother there to save her.

Yes, because they want to, not because they need a chaperone. They might be doing their makeup, taking drugs, and chatting about the evening.

Your son hasn't done anything wrong. It's a lesson learned for your daughter.

Bit of a storm in a tea cup, really. Although I'll admit, I grew up in London up going to clubs like this from age 15 and was very streetwise, so my opinion is probably a bit skewed.

It seems that the harsh replies are from posters who were born streetwise. The sneering at her lack of resilience and lack of being streetwise is uncalled for and unhelpful.

@maxtheblackcat ignore the "cool" posters.

For the record, at 65 I have never witnessed anyone doing coke either. When I was clubbing over 40 years ago it was called the champagne drug because only rich people could afford it. The places I go to now in the evening are far too tame for anyone who has a coke habit

I agree that the OP's daughter could have been better prepared for the what if scenario, but she was clearly out of her depth. I think DD might have felt out of her depth in this scenario at a similar age age.

Totally agree.

So did I.

But OP's daughter didn't.

And 15 all having the new experience together, knowing it wasn't legal, all knowing each other well and hopefully all looking out for one another at least a little bit, in a nightclub in a town or city you are at least a bit familiar with, is a very different scenario from this one.

I don't know about you and your friends but I also think that I and mine had a LOT of misplaced bravado and the confidence of the naive that wasn't actually very sensible!

100%

I agree, that was very silly of her and I would be angry with her too. But this doesn’t take away from the responsibility of the her brother who ‘promised’ to look after her.

Need to hear his side of the story.

DD needs to become more confident before goes out again.

She clearly is not ready to be adult in the big city.

There's this thing called vibrate. It's been on phones since the 80s.

You generally put that on for calls or messages if you're somewhere extremely noisy let alone supposed to be looking out for your younger female sibling who is not familiar with the city, area, club, or anyone there except you and your gf.

Hmm... that should have been "(I'm paying his entry)", the shortening made the meaning unclear.

Anyway, I don't think the ticket price is the main motivation. We are friends and he expects he will enjoy the evening enough to be willing to do it that way.

So it is a canny jump from local pubs and bars to London nightclubs.

What most people tend to do is start in whatever venue actually serves them at 16/17 and slowly go to bigger and busier places with groups of people they know and trust. Often with a set plan of getting home and agreed meeting places if they get lost.
It's all a learning experience.
My mam made sure I had a taxi number written on a slip of paper inside my bra just in case I lost my bag and she kept spare taxi money at home.

Your DD jumped a bunch of stages and went out with people she doesn't know. It's not fair to expect your son to be fully responsible for her and I'm pleased you see that now. If she plans on going away to uni she needs to work on independence before she goes.

That’s a pretty standard night. It’s hard to keep track of someone on a night out unless he was watching her like a hawk.
She is 19 not a child.
She should at the very least know how to use Uber or get back home on a night out.
Unfortunately if in London or any other big city, she’ll have to get used to being around drugs. There are everywhere!

Surely it goes without saying groping and taking coke are negative and inappropriate behaviours no one is saying otherwise 🙄🙄.

But they do happen and young adults need to be able to navigate them rather than being Bambi in the headlights / crying / running off / relying on kindness of strangers / running home to mum. Frankly I would be a little bit disappointed that my Dd was so wet and unresourceful at 19 unless there was some sort of SN involved.