To think it’s perfectly reasonable to divorce over sex?

[scranonstrangler]

I see alot of threads on here about the shock of sexless marriages ending in divorce when they’re otherwise “happy”. But I just don’t understand the point in being married and not having sex.

Even if there’s some level of erectile dysfunction you can have intimacy. If your sex drive is completely permanently shot why is it a shock if someone goes elsewhere?

Having a baby didn’t change that for me and neither did bereavement.

Genuinely interested in explanations because I can’t fathom having 0 interest in sex.

@Isitreallythough

But if cohabitation with someone is ‘grief’, then a lack of sexual wouldn’t be the only problem surely…

I don’t mean it’s grief because you are with the wrong person. I just don’t find cohabitation to be a good thing for relationships. It kills them off. I think a loving relationship with someone is better conducted without marriage or cohabitation, personally. I realise this isn’t a majority view.

If you can't understand then it's probably because you're lacking the level of empathy required OP. And nobody can give you that.

I'm afraid I have to disagree. I was married for 21 years before we divorced. I didn't marry for sex and I didn't divorce over it either although of course, sex is part of a loving marriage.

I guess I consider the relationship comes first, and because I loved that person very deeply, in a particular way, I then wanted to express it sexually. So because I consider sex as just one expression of a particular type of love, it wouldn't be a major issue if sex couldn't happen for some reason (ED, low drive in partner, disability or illness) assuming that the closeness and intimacy was there in other ways.

It also goes without saying that if things were becoming very wrong between myself and my partner, my wish to express myself sexually with them is likely to diminish as my love for them perhaps changed or hit a difficult spot.

However, I do believe that this doesn't seem to be a very modern view. Nor do I think it's the way men view sex. Men seem to have strong sexual needs which some satisfy solely within a partner relationship but others don't, or won't, or can't. It is much more a driving force with men and their ability to compartmentalise more easily means there are those who can definitely 'love' their wives but also 'love' their affair partner at the same time. Not saying women don't, but to a lesser extent IMO.

good for you! (And your DP 😂)

@gestroopd why would you want sex with such a nasty abusive individual?

Honestly, I do wonder sometimes why people are surprised when their partner strays. I think nonlonger having sex, putting on a lot of weight / no longer looking after you health and appearance are selfish.

However, I also think where children are involved people need to put more effort into staying together ( except in the case of abuse).

I think if you're married, it is right to put the effort into you love, sex, appearance, care for the other person.

This was sort of my point. It’s simplistic to say it’s fine to leave due to lack of sex. There are many situations where a reasonable person would think it’s totally acceptable not to be up for sex.

DP (we're in a Civil Partnership), had his meds changed a few years ago which killed any sex drive he had. Those meds are literally keeping him alive and I have 0 interest in having sex with anyone else as he is the perfect man for me. I'd rather have years with him and no sex, than be standing over his grave facing the rest of my life without him.

He won't talk about it. His parents are not affectionate and are quite dysfunctional and he seems to think it's normal. I've threatened to leave and he gets really upset and says he loves me but he never says that at any other time and I don't feel loved. We tried counselling but he just won't talk about it, says he "doesn't know" why he doesn't want sex and also claims he does, often in the same sentence!

Marriage is a contract. Both parties have to be ok with shutting down the shop for good. I personally wouldn't stay in a absolutely sexless marriage with 0 intimacy but it's not a popular opinion on here.

Should probably refer back to what your vowels were...

Totally agree. I married the whole person, not just one aspect. That means so much more than whether he can have sex or not.

@Dawevi. No sex is one thing but no hugs or affection is really odd not to mention selfish. He's very lucky you've stayed this long. Please don't think you have to put up with this.

Pretty sure some of my very Christian cousins did. Not only that, to be fair, but I reckon it played a big part.

That doesn't happen with every woman, though.