To think it’s perfectly reasonable to divorce over sex?

[scranonstrangler]

I see alot of threads on here about the shock of sexless marriages ending in divorce when they’re otherwise “happy”. But I just don’t understand the point in being married and not having sex.

Even if there’s some level of erectile dysfunction you can have intimacy. If your sex drive is completely permanently shot why is it a shock if someone goes elsewhere?

Having a baby didn’t change that for me and neither did bereavement.

Genuinely interested in explanations because I can’t fathom having 0 interest in sex.

Sorry. I meant that a a reltaionship should NOT be built on sex alone

This is the biggest ‘pick me’ post I’ve ever read on here.

We get it. You love to shag. It’s the most important part of a marriage and all women should be like you regardless of bereavement and childbirth. Your husband must be so lucky you couldn’t wait to hop back into bed 3 weeks after giving birth!!!

I can't understand it either. People love to spout the 'nobody is entitled to sex' line, but equally nobody is entitled to keep a partner who is unhappy in the arrangement. If my partner suddenly didn't want sex for the foreseeable future I'd leave. I don't want that kind of relationship and that's fine, I can have sexless relationships with anybody, friends family etc. I'd even stay friends if we split presuming they hadn't done anything else I couldn't live with. I'd just not be interested in that kind of relationship when I could have a fulfilling, exciting, sexual relationship elseware.

No, that’s not what the post is about.When you’ve just had a baby and breastfeeding, understandably sex isn’t at the top of your list.This is more about no intimacy for years, the other person just having to accept that and then really missing that intimacy.
I can completely understand, why, someone wouldn’t want to continue with the marriage, without any kind of intimacy (hugging kissing) wouldn’t that then just be a friendship.
Marriages can work this way, only if both people, are ok with this, otherwise there can be long term resentment, not really a good foundation for a happy marriage.

THIS

As people like to point out on here, marriage is a contract and even if parted before death, divorce ensures that the woman (usually) isn't shafted if she has taken career gaps to raise kids etc.

Then, that would mean the person would be staying for just financial reason.Yes marriage is contract, that shouldn’t mean a person, should expect the other, to stay in a loveless marriage, have no intimacy because it’s about 2 people not just one.
It’s probably why less people are getting married today, they don’t feel they need a contract, you stay because it’s working, not because you’re tied contractually to another person.

See, I find this hard to understand but I have come to realise over the years that my sex interest is much lower than your average person, so it must be very hard for someone who has a higher than average sex interest. Not saying you do, just if someone does.

Maybe age comes into it too. Now in my early 50s and would be happy to leave that part of life alone. However, I do my wifely duty.

'Six months isn't very long though. My husband hasn't wanted any kind of intimacy with me for 11 years, that's no sex, no hugs, no kisses, no casual touch. It's awful. I definitely feel it's a deal-breaker'. @Dawevi

What does he say about this? Because it IS a dealbreaker and I can't believe you've lived like this for 11 years! Why the hell won't he hug you? It sounds like abuse.

Some people don’t have sex for health reasons. It would be cruel beyond belief if your spouse either went looking elsewhere or divorced you because you weren’t very well.

My sex drive has always been low though I've always had a very active sex life since I was 16 in every relationship I've been in. I was lying to myself because I wanted to have a bigger drive than I did and wanted to keep my partner happy.

Now I'm early 40s with two young kids. I basically stopped having sex after baby number one because I honestly had no drive or desire. The longer I didn't have sex the less I desired it until its nearly become repulsive to me. I've no desire to masterbate either.

I'm not sure if it's the medication I'm on, I suspect it is but I don't care, I'll probably never have sex again and I'm OK with that.

My husband went elsewhere - but by that time we felt totally friend zoned. We're both sad we let our relationship slide when kids came, I naively thought we were strong enough to forgo sex for a lengthly period but when we lost the sex we lost the intimacy and I feel that's even more important than sex.

I think if you are so highly motivated by sex then you probably shouldn't get married. Keep your options open. I married my DH to have a lifetime with my best friend, to make a family together and to support each other through life hopefully until we are old and sex is a distant memory. I wouldn't give that up because he lost interest in sex, that's madness.

I don’t think it is about being highly motivated to have sex, this is about intimacy, or rather lack of it, which doesn’t have to result in sex.
A marriage, which is friendship, of course can work, if both people, are happy with this arrangement.

I absolutely love living with DH. And sex is such a tiny part of that. It's not even 1% of the glue that holds us together.

That’s an enviable state that get to. I have never really enjoyed living with men so I suppose sex is one of the few justifications for having them around for me. But then I don’t want to get married either.

Lots of relationships go through sexless periods and libido waxes and wains and that’s absolutely normal and fine.

But I do think it’s unreasonable for someone to expect to remain in a permanent union if sex has been indefinitely taken off the table. Fine if it works for the other partner but if it’s unilateral it’s very unfair.

@Thepossibility

I married my DH to have a lifetime with my best friend, to make a family together and to support each other through life hopefully until we are old and sex is a distant memory. I wouldn't give that up because he lost interest in sex, that's madness.

It’s interesting reading these perspectives: tbh this is the opposite of how I feel or what I want.

To me what you have described sounds nice and solid but it sounds like a good friendship. Lovely and very supportive but I can’t see why one would bother marrying for that. It just seems a lot of legal and financial baggage for a good friend.

No sex since July... happy days!!!

I'm glad in a way to read the responses that note all the other reasons for marriage and from those who do not want sex but are otherwise happy in their relationship.

My wife told me 3 years ago that we wouldn't be doing it any more. She doesn't want to leave, but she's not attracted to me any more. Wouldn't say why, doesn't want to talk about it. It feels like I've used up my ration of joy in this life and there will be no more.

But would it be perfectly reasonable for me to force her to break up when she doesn't want to, and risk leaving the kids with all sorts of psychological issues, just so I can discover that, after all that, single women do not lie awake at night fantasising about portly middle-aged blokes?

Wait until you hit peri menopause and you have zero libido, then you’ll know why.

"Sex is such an important part of a romantic relationship ..."

That's your view, OP, but others have different views. Just because you wouldn't be happy going without, doesn't mean that others would be the same as you. I find you very blinkered and a tad naive. People are different.

I agree. Incredibly naive.

But if cohabitation with someone is ‘grief’, then a lack of sexual wouldn’t be the only problem surely…

How old are you? This all can change. I had a voracious sexual appetite until middle age. I have very little interest now. I never thought it would happen, but it has.

Some couples are happy without sex.

I don't think anyone should stay in a sexless marriage if they don't want to however. Anyone can leave a marriage for any reason they want.

Fwiw, I'm 36. I've had next to no libido for about 12 years. I'm not ill, I'm not on medication, my hormone levels are normal, there's no physiological reason. I just can't be arsed. That's reason enough.