To think it’s perfectly reasonable to divorce over sex?

[scranonstrangler]

I see alot of threads on here about the shock of sexless marriages ending in divorce when they’re otherwise “happy”. But I just don’t understand the point in being married and not having sex.

Even if there’s some level of erectile dysfunction you can have intimacy. If your sex drive is completely permanently shot why is it a shock if someone goes elsewhere?

Having a baby didn’t change that for me and neither did bereavement.

Genuinely interested in explanations because I can’t fathom having 0 interest in sex.

I’m sorry for your loss x Hope you get to a new normal that feels more like yourself x

I think you’ll find that’s not everyone’s experience!

Breast feeding didn't put me off ..,,,

2 years in for me, and same. I'm not the same person.

DH and i havent had any physical touch for a long time. 28 years. That is NOTHING like the temporary cessation of sex and/or intimacy after babies. No hugs when our beautiful cat was PTS eight years ago or when my dad died on 6 October. Contrast with OM who held me all day last Thursday while i sobbed.

The mistake you have made was assuming its all about putting a penis inside a vagina. Its so much more than that. Its about the intimacy that surrounds it and a strong emotional connection. Its not all about just a physical act.

Tbh, my husband has a similar attitude towards it. And it puts a lot of pressure on me. I know it's not deliberate, but I can't give him a date it'll change or a concrete reason. But every so often he gets fed up and questions whether we'll ever have sex again, is this what our life is now etc etc.

I want to want sex, and I used to want sex. I have spoken to the GP and have started HRT (which hasn't been the miracle cure he was hoping for).

I suppose he should cheat on me, would that be OK?

You’re right, and I agree. But I don’t get the impression that’s what the OP is talking about. She says sex specifically.
Sex is not the same and hugs and handholds and kisses. A marriage without those things is probably done.
A marriage without sex should not be, in my opinion.

I’m allowed to think and talk about whatever this isn’t an academic journal.

I saw a thread and it got me thinking. Chill out, you didn’t even need to comment if it wound you up that much 😂

What is going on, this is literally the third trending thread on this topic tonight.

In answer to your question: people have different priorities, isn't that obvious? I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone who demands sex three times a week, but as MN shows, many people are in such a relationship. I also can't imagine being in a relationship with a man who expects me to do his laundry, it's just a completely outlandish idea to me. But I understand that these things aren't important to other people.

Good for you, but it did put the poster you're responding to off. So what, should her husband leave her, because Tammy Jones from MN wasn't affected by breastfeeding?

Does he agree though?

I agree @scranonstrangler, I couldn't live in a sexless marriage even if I'm not overly sexual at the moment. I think your "being pregnant and bereavement didn't bother me" sort of thing isn't helpful. There are many nuances to being in a relationship, and I think yours is out of the norm.

You think I’m weird for not really caring about sex, I think you’re weird for caring about it so much.

People are different! Yes of course if partners become incompatible for whatever reason they may be happiest separating.

Same same :(

Maybe he should? It depends doesn't it? Breast feeding a 4 year old and co sleeping? Perfectly ok for your DH to go yeah nah this isn't working.

Ebf an 8 week old? Unreasonable.

And I say that with a ebf 2 week old

Yes I was going to ask the same. Who cares what other couples are or are not doing with their sex lives. I’ve never given other people’s sex life, or lack of, a thought. I mean you sound irritated by it OP.

You’re allowed to do what you want, but starting a thread about it, whereby you ‘don’t understand the point’, ‘can’t fathom’ and are ‘keen to understand’ is just downright weird. No one should have that level of invested thought in other people’s sex lives.

And I say this as someone who has a very active sex life. I feel sorry for people you post on here who feel ignored and neglected in whatever their needs are in a marriage, but it stops there. If they are able to happily resolve it in either direction, then great.

Wait till you and your partner are 60+
A 40 Yr marriage is certainy about more than sex.

OM is 68

Because not everyone takes that vow. It doesn't even feature in a civil marriage ceremony.

@scranonstrangler there is a big difference between sex and intimacy. Perfectly illustrated by @gestroopd whose toxic relationship included some sex but absolutely no intimacy.

I have a friend who due to medical need had a full hysterectomy before turning 30. After that she didn’t have sec with her husband for over 2 years and I don’t think it will ever be what it was pre surgery. They are still very much in love, connected and I don’t think if the sex stopped again that it would be the end of their relationship.

I know someone else whose husband nearly died due to an entirely random health issue a few years ago. He is generally recovered but so far they have not had sex since he was in hospital. She considers that they have intimacy in other ways, she would like to have sex again at some point but if he never wanted to again she wouldn’t leave. They are still in love and show each other affection, they are happy and she tells me she’s got a very good vibrator!

Sex isn’t the main crux of marriage for most people, what they actually need is physical connection, emotional understanding and clear affection. Obviously a mutually accepted level of sexual contact with s the ideal but often one person will be more keen than the other based on a whole host of factors. Sex drive varies for so many reasons and as much as I enjoy sex I wouldn’t leave my husband if we never had sec again. I’d be sad about it and try to work out if there was anything to be done to change the circumstances but I made vows for life and no one is owed sex in marriage.

You can be asexual but still enjoy romance and want the stability/security of being married.

What was left of my sex drive going through menopause , was killed completely through taking medication

Would I mind my DH looking for sex outside the marriage, not really, not if that was all it was. If he had an affair? Hmmmmmmmmm

And unless I'm misunderstanding the reference to OM, why be so het up on one marriage vow but not the one about forsaking all others? A bit pick and choose, no?

That was never in my vows but I think it is an expectation when you get married that there will be sex. Of course, when I was 18 and getting married, I had no idea of all the ups and downs of life, medically, emotionally and practically, that can affect the sex life. I think it's reasonable to accept and ride out that there will be ups and downs with sex, like with everything else. If someone decides unilaterally to just shut up shop without any discussion or good reason, then the other side can consider if they want to stay in the marriage. Sex isn't something I'd leave my DH over at this point though.

Yes but its also pick and choose when its the reverse.