To think it’s perfectly reasonable to divorce over sex?

[scranonstrangler]

I see alot of threads on here about the shock of sexless marriages ending in divorce when they’re otherwise “happy”. But I just don’t understand the point in being married and not having sex.

Even if there’s some level of erectile dysfunction you can have intimacy. If your sex drive is completely permanently shot why is it a shock if someone goes elsewhere?

Having a baby didn’t change that for me and neither did bereavement.

Genuinely interested in explanations because I can’t fathom having 0 interest in sex.

EXACTLY At 19 i had NO IDEA there was such a thing as a man not interested in sex because that is not what we are warned about as teenage girls is it? We are warned that men are only after one thing. Which is why many women are a bit surprised to find themselves in a situation like mine when they are older. A lot of people here wax lyrical about gender stereotyping but seem to have a blind spot when its THIS kind of gender stereotyping

There's also 'for better, for worse'.

I... don't believe you. You give off connected and contentment vibes that I see as borne from physical connection, even if the sex is only 1% of your time together. (I'm like this with my husband, even though we can go a week or more without fucking at times of stress.) I feel like it is part at least of the foundation of this vibe? Am I wrong?

Either your marriage vows matter to you or they don't. You can't pretend they're important to you to the extent that you would judge others for breaking them when obviously they're not.

Sex is maybe not as important to some couples as others? We could easily go more than a week even as newly weds. In hindsight, I think DH would have liked more, but he's hopeless at talking about sex, so that's on him.

I know at least 5 couples (middle aged) in RL who have no sex but are loving, devoted and spend all their time together and enjoy their life together.

They would have been physical in their younger years but for whatever reason are no longer. But their love and profound care for each other is still very evident.

I don’t think you can make emphatic statements about the importance of sex in other people’s marriages. Life and health gets a bit more complicated as you get older and some things become more important.

You honestly can’t understand that other people have different sex drives from you? You literally cannot understand?

in an ideal world people have matched sex drives. In reality they don’t. They change and evolve As time and the relationship progresses.

I thank my lucky stars that me and DP do. I know it’s not uncommon for it to be mismatched. For it to change. I try and empathise either way.

Something happened to me a couple of years ago that made me not interested in intimacy for a good while, I'd say it was probably around 6 months. Thank god my husband stuck around and didn't think that was a reason to leave me

@JenniferBooth i think iI might need to start your own thread because, tbh, this isn’t the right place to be boasting about your OM.

I’m sorry for your loss and your troubles but I don’t think all these posts about the om are really appropriate here.

Six months isn't very long though. My husband hasn't wanted any kind of intimacy with me for 11 years, that's no sex, no hugs, no kisses, no casual touch. It's awful. I definitely feel it's a deal-breaker.

I suppose what I'm saying is that sex is so immediate and grounding as a tool.

Not that you can't connect without it. Maybe that in an overloaded and frenetic child-rearing and working relationship it's a kind of quick circuit-buster and energiser. Makes you keen to keep going?

Interested in what Mebebecat might say.

Sorry but what is "OM" ?

Other Man.

I think it's nice to feel like this when you haven't experienced anything that's turned your world upside down or totally knocked your sense of self off course.

For me, having a very ill and suicidal child threw everything I knew and everything I was under the bus. I couldn't eat or sleep, never mind have sex, when my child was in the next room thinking of ways to die.

That time has passed but it's incredibly hard to find ourselves again. And I say that as someone who had sex a week after my first baby was born.

@LoveTheRainAndSun oh right. Thanks.

Sex can also be another demand at the end of the day when you're struggling to stay awake. Or when you'd rather chill with a book.

In sickness and in health. Even when menopause or bereavement etc affect intimacy.

@scranonstrangler good fo you.

Thing is people don't get married for the sex.

I think spouses should manage through temporary lulls but I don't think it's reasonable to expect someone to forgo sex for the rest of their life just because their spouse wishes to.

Whether it means divorce or a blind eye being turned on affairs or an actual open relationship is for each couple to navigate I guess.

I think it's absolutely fine to feel like that and to act on it, whether that's leaving or asking for an open relationship or whatever works really.

I agree with you, in fact I feel sex without intimacy is just lust... though sporadically, that can be fun too.

It must be awful if you can't "go all the way" (or any way at all) if it's because of poor health.
Especially if you initially thought it would be for a set period to allow good recovery, but then if the recovery time goalposts keep moving ever further away, it must take unending patience, understanding and love.

If the foundation of your loving relationship is friendship, and I mean proper deep committed friendship without resentments, then surely you can get through it.

I'm saying this as person that's going through this at present.

I adore (or used to) sex with my partner, and I'm keeping faith that "one day" the condition will become more manageable, and we can return to that joyful union,
BUT, I truly believe that if that can't happen, then I can deal with it, as it's only one part of a relationship that has been compromised.

It's difficult, coz not all couples are the same, and we all have varying needs and limitations on compromise.

I guess that a couple has to do what best for them both, with neither of them being made to feel "less", or not worthy.

I'm probably saying this all wrong, but I do agree it's a potentially complex situation.

Yeah @Dawevi Just remember not to mention it on here if/when you do

Hmm, I've just seen that you don't mean coz of illness, but coz of "shutting up shop".
Is it so different though?

Surely if one of you has "stopped" with no reason explained, no effort to seek advice, no respect for the partner who has been told they must "go without", then that would be a very hard pill to swallow.

I can understand pp saying that you can divorce for whatever reason(s) you feel are relevant to the breakdown of the partnership or marriage...

For me, I'd need to feel totally justified, and be in the knowledge that I tried "everything"...

Whatever the situation, you shouldn't be made to feel you have to live unhappily.

I'd want my partner to be with me coz they want to, not coz they feel pressured or coz they couldn't afford to separate, or any other reason.

OP, you need to do what's best for YOU, cos inevitably, if you are unhappy, that will affect your partner, and any children, or anyone who cares for you... you won't be able to hide it, and these things eat away at you...
You get one life, don't waste it.

So what if you have told your partner that you do not want to have sex?? But that you love them and will do anything in your power to make them happy?

Who is right? Who is wrong? or is it just a matter of incompatibility?

I really don't think that a meaningful relationship should be built on sex alone, so where do we go??? Both partners have rights, but a recently post partum woman shouldn't be pressurised/coerced into it