To think MN is horrible about blended families?

[kungfullama]

I've seen so many posts recently that just leads to think MN sees blended families as second class somehow.

Threads where ex wives are behaving horribly and withholding contact but are being defended because 'they were left' so somehow have the right to pass their bitterness onto their kids.

Posters screaming LTB at the slightest bit of conflict between dc and stepparents as if conflict doesn't ever occur in traditional families too.

Insinuating that new partners are just flash in the pan 'boyfriends' even when the relationship is long term or they're married.

Blended families can be complicated and the dynamics might be slightly different. But I know for a fact my dc lives are so much better with their bio parents apart and made considerably richer with the involvement of their two loving stepparents. I don't see us as being lesser than a traditional family. Not sure why others do.

I do struggle to understand why parents can’t wait for new partners to move in until their own kids are adults (and therefore have their own more independent lives, even if they are still living at home). I say this as a single mother - surely it’s not hard to prioritise your kids for a decade or two, it’s not a whole lifetime!

I would never say it in RL as I have lots of family and friends who are in blended families - but to be honest anecdotally imo it rarely seems to work long term unless the “kids” were grown up already. I often feel sorry for the younger ones, who are trying to balance all the challenges of growing up whilst living in new family situations at the same time.

It's very sad if they think life isn't worth living unless they're cohabiting with a man, but it isn't my fault.

Source? Because a quick Google tells me that it does increase the odds, but by nowhere near 100 times.

I do think parents should refrain from moving in/moving in with new partners until their children are adults. Not saying they should not date but they need to keep their dating life completely separate until their children are grown.

I do think it's interesting that there is quite a widespread cultural attitude, not only in relation to blended families, that a couple is not truly committed to each other unless they live together. As marriage rates decline, cohabitation seems to be replacing marriage as the mark of true commitment.

Of course there are practical benefits, and it's much more expensive to live apart than to live together, but the attitude is pretty deeply ingrained and in my experience committed couples who don't live together are looked at askance and considered pretty weird. I wonder if this is a factor in some single parents rushing to move their families in together.

But who has said that? Who said they feel as though they need another man/woman in their life to live?

Most people want someone else in their life, another adult and partner to share things with.
Your views on how people aren’t being considerate of their children simply because they too deserve some happiness are terribly outdated.

I agree with you OP. Every situation is different so you can't just apply a set of rules around how people should live. The families that I know like this (over the decades) are strong and supportive. Sure they have their ups and downs- all families do.

Not sure how you could weigh up the increased risk of your child being abused for the sake of sharing a home with a New Romantic partner.

Oh well it’s only a 20/30/40 percent chance what’s the worst that could happen.

Then the odds of just a very unhappy childhood even if not abused.

You can date and have sex and cuddles and holidays all without mixing and matching children from different families.

Listen to or read the research of Dr Gad Saad who talks about this a lot.

What are you looking for OP? I think you’re being a bit dismissive and cruel. Lots of people have bad experiences with blended families. But because yours is going well other people aren’t allowed to talk about their negative experiences? This is what they call toxic positivity. You’re not leaving any space for other people’s feelings and experiences when they’re not as positive as you think they should be.

You said that. Your fictional woman is staying with an abuser because she thinks she'd be even more miserable if she couldn't move in another man.

Your ideas are childish ("your internet posts might force a woman to be vilely abused!!!!").

...yeeeeeeees? I'm sure most people would agree on that.

People make bad choices which impact their children in all walks of life - trying to shoehorn it into blended families = always bad is reaching.

I've just looked him up. He's not considered a credible source. There are numerous studies that show otherwise. It's fair to point out the increased statistical risk of abuse, but not to post exaggerations based on non-existent evidence and the unfounded opinion of one man, just to try to justify your beliefs.

One person's opinion does not a fact make.

What an unpleasant thread. I agree with you op

You can share your life with someone without blending a family!

I don’t see them as second class but I don’t know any in real life that seem to be working well. In most cases I know personally, those children would be far happier with their parents apart, but not having moved in them in with new partners and their kids.

Absolutely. As a single parent I'd never risk moving a man in.

The happy ones are probably not putting posts for advice on number id imagine

we have a very blended family - my stepson is now 18 and I’ve got a 3 year old and newborn with his dad

his own mums husband has kids aged 16 & 17

we all get on really well and have family dinners at her parents and my parents house

we’ve all been to each others weddings

but I do feel the kids are sometimes pulled different directions and maybe it’s not always been amazing for them! Like sometimes we’ve gone on holiday during the school year with the babies and can’t take step son as he’s in school or whatever

but husband makes up for that with 1/1 time - they go to music festivals together and weekends away etc

Thing is though, you can't know that. How can you actually know they would be happier? You are guessing.

You can, but I don’t see how that can be successful. If you have small children and no childcare then you’re seeing a partner once a month potentially - what would be the point?
Surely if you’ve found a decent partner there would be no issues in blending the family once the time is right. The only way blended families don’t work is if
you have someone who isnt willing to put their all into making your families work.

First post nailed it.

As a lone parent, I will not be subjecting my child to a blended family.

Couldn't agree more

Ask your children what they really thought when they are in their 20’s.

No experience of step families but I do have children in their 20s and it's an eye opener when they talk about things from childhood good or bad. Their perspective is so very different from what you expected. recollections may vary is so true.

It's not just one person. There is quite a bit of research. I don't have time now to look but here is example.

Nobes et al.’s (2019) research inquired into child homicide by fathers in Britain between 2000 and 2015 as recorded by the Home Office’s Homicide Index. To address limitations of prior research, Nobes et al. made more accurate estimates of family composition in the population using data from three large British surveys. This analysis revealed that children aged between 0-4 years were 15.74 times more likely to be killed by a stepfather compared to a genetic father. The increased risk was much less pronounced for stepchildren aged 5-9 years (1.60) as well as stepchildren aged 10-17 years (2.85). All of these odds ratios were reduced when only data from cohabiting father-child dyads were analyzed. This indicates that a substantial amount of risk to children is posed by non-cohabiting adults. In considering the physical distance that characterizes the relationship between a child and non-cohabiting adult, such violence could be explained by poor attachment bonds between the child and the perpetrator.